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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
Wishandwonder · 22/04/2020 10:08

You’re paying it, it’s your account and your app. She wants it deleted she can pay for it herself.

She needs to trust that you aren’t using it to monitor her every move and either get over it or sort it out herself.

Something tells me if you just stick to your guns she will come around when faced with the option of trying to pay her own insurance.

WickedlyPetite · 22/04/2020 10:09

Why has this suddenly come up?

We're in lockdown so it's not like she's out and about driving much anyway... or is she? And that's why she wants it deleted, she's giving her mates a lift, driving places she shouldn't be?

emilybrontescorsett · 22/04/2020 10:10

I think it is controlling, she is an adult not a child.

Taddda · 22/04/2020 10:10

I can also see both sides- she's 18, so to her it feels like she's being watched by her parents constantly (I'd have hated this). It'd have also made me a bit more conscious about my driving- which is good thing in many ways, but would have also put me slightly on edge-

I think its the same as putting a phone tracker app on her- I wouldn't have thought any 18 year old would want their parents access to that (although I'd consider it for my Dds!)

I think you need to respect her wishes at that age though- your not checking it constantly, but she doesn't know that (or you are, I think I would if I had immediate access to it on an app!)

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 22/04/2020 10:11

I'd delete it. She's an adult and just because you are helping financially it doesn't mean you can monitor her like she's a child.

This.

Bishybarnybee · 22/04/2020 10:11

She's very, very privileged to be driving her own car and having you pay for the insurance at 18. I'd say she either accepts it on your terms or gives it up. Seems very entitled to be kicking off about it. And 18 is actually very young. If she was fully paying her own way as an adult she could claim independence but she seems to want to have her cake and eat it here.

You are perfectly within your rights to say - this is what's on offer. take it or leave it. And not get drawn into any arguments.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/04/2020 10:11

If it were me it would depend on how the conversation went.

If it was an adult conversation with both sides putting their views across, listening to the others views and taking concerns on board I'd delete it.

If the conversation was somewhat more childish and along the "it's not fair", "other parents don't do this" lines with a demand to delete the app I wouldn't.

user1493413286 · 22/04/2020 10:12

I wouldn’t have liked it at 18; I used to tell my parents vaguely where I was going but for them to have an app where they could see I would have found uncomfortable.
Delete it on the basis that she will show you her rating when you ask to see it which surely can’t be that often?

whatdoyoudonow · 22/04/2020 10:13

If she wants you to play no part in it and wants you to delete it, delete it.
She is then free to arrange and pay for her own car insurance.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/04/2020 10:14

She' s18, she deserves her privacy. I did occur to me for a second to have the app on my phone and she was 17. If she's old enough to drive, she's old enough to manage her driving.

YeahWhatevver · 22/04/2020 10:14

Do you have reason to not trust her?

Yes = YANBU
No = YABU

SerenDippitty · 22/04/2020 10:14

She needs to remember she would not be driving if you hadn’t bought her a car and paid for the insurance.

Brefugee · 22/04/2020 10:14

I can also see both sides. However when i was 18 i did, as a courtesy, tell my parents where i was going as long as i lived under their roof. (only a year though).

My DC are in their early 20s and live with us and they tell us, as a courtesy, where they're going. (obs now totally sarcastically: I'm going in my room, I'm going in the kitchen, I'm putting the bins out...)

In my view: if you're paying the insurance then you should have a bit more overview. 18 is no age really. Is there a reason why she doesn't trust you not to spy on her movements?

Bewareofthekitten · 22/04/2020 10:15

Definitely delete it, I don't know many 18 years paying for their own insurance and this is the type of thing I would've hated. She's 18 and she deserves some privacy and to be treated like an adult.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 10:15

"Doesnt she tell you where she is anyway,?"

"Why would she? She's 18 and an adult."

Because she's part of a family and that's what families do? My child of that age, told mewhere they were going and what they were up to. It's interesting, it's part of being nice. Would be a bit weird to all be acting remotely from each other. We say to each other at the end of the day "get up to anything interesting? Where did you go, what did you do? Any news? Plus it's our car, so we have a right to know where it's been.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 10:16

Pre covid of course.

artistformerlyknownas · 22/04/2020 10:17

she keeps pushing the I’m an adult issue but doesn’t see she can’t have it both ways when she’s happy for us to pay

Maybe she just didn't realise there were strings attached?

Obviously at 18 she is legally an adult but practically still very much your dependent child. You knew this when buying her a car/insurance. I don't think it's fair to suddenly take it away because she won't dance to your tune. It's like you are asking for respect from her but you're not showing her any in return.

Do you trust her?

Charmatt · 22/04/2020 10:17

Is it not also a safety feature - if she was missing or the car was stolen you could find it? Surely the tracking also shows the insurance company the risk of being stolen in the areas she drives?

To be honest, we all have Life 360 - it helps with me seeing if my OH is on his way home when I have a late meeting. It also lets him see that I'm safe when out late. It also helps us see our son has got to college safely (he has LD).

What has she got to hide?

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2020 10:19

Doesnt she tell you where she is anyway?

Seriously? You expect an 18 year old adult to tell their parents where they are going all the time? MN shows me there are so many controlling parents out there!

cheeseandpickledonions · 22/04/2020 10:20

I agree that what would concern me is that we are on lockdown and NOW this has become an issue. What's she doing?

LastTrainEast · 22/04/2020 10:24

Why do you check her ratings at all? Do you not trust her? You should probably cancel the insurance and let her be fully independent even if it means she has to use public transport

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 22/04/2020 10:25

Hmm. I too see both sides. Is there a compromise I wonder? Could you say, delete you app and check her app once weekly? On a given day. I do think as you are paying her premium and I'm sure it's a small fortune, that you should have some input.

I'm also curious as to where she's going in these lockdown times?

Original poster
Emlizcor · 22/04/2020 10:25

She isn’t driving around at the moment whilst in lockdown. It’s been raised by her in the past and it came up yesterday after a conversation about something else that reminded her of it.
Thank you all for your responses they’ve been really useful.

Ive has a chat with her and we’re sitting down the 3 of us later today to have a rational chat about it and going to come to an agreement

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 22/04/2020 10:28

I would explain that I'd delete it when she starts paying for her own insurance. After all what if the bill goes up, and you didn't realise her driving rating became worse?

LastTrainEast · 22/04/2020 10:28

Those who think it odd that an 18yo should want privacy are you ok with a government tracker for everyone in the country? I lean towards thinking it a good idea, but most people oppose that kind of thing.

What other kinds of privacy do you object to in family. If you have adult children do your read their diary too?

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