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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 22/04/2020 10:30

Ive has a chat with her and we’re sitting down the 3 of us later today to have a rational chat about it and going to come to an agreement

turning 18 is a good time to get together and re-evaluate how you all live together anyway, I think. We periodically (over dinner usually) discussed how much freedom/responsibilities we should all have etc (chores to be shared out, for eg, gentle reminders that anyone could take the laundry down and shove it in the machine, and that anyone could feel free to hang up that washing later, as well as big stuff like wanting to know who they were hanging out with from a safety point of view).

Oakmaiden · 22/04/2020 10:35

Well where is she going that she potentially doesn’t want her mum and dad to see?

What does it matter? She is 18, if she wants to go somewhere without her parents' knowledge she should have the right to do that.

OP - you don't need to be able to monitor her usage. The insurance company want to be able to, but if they hadn't put in that stipulation then this is access to her life which you wouldn't have. As long as she doesn't cause your premium to rise, then there is no actual need for you to monitor her. If you are concerned she might be driving unwisely then ask her to provide you with a summary of her readings every month so you don't get an nasty surprises when it is time to renew. Or simply say - if we get a nasty surprise at renewal time we won't be paying for a renewal.

As for being able to find her in an emergency - if it really was an emergency then I expect you could get the necessary information form the insurance company.

BlueJava · 22/04/2020 10:35

If sbe wants full control then she pays herself with the insurance in her name and you don't have the app. A large part of the insurance risk is based on where the car is, not just how she drives so if you pay you get access. What does she want to do that needs to be covered up?

IMissTheOutside · 22/04/2020 10:36

I can also definitely see both sides here. Do you think you could come to a compromise? Say you’re happy to respect her privacy as an adult but you’d like to see the app on her phone to check her actual driving and ratings once a week?

lowlandLucky · 22/04/2020 10:37

She is an adult and wants to be treated as such. Part of being an adult is paying you own way. She should be an adult and pay her own insurance. If she is spending your money for car insurance you need to know you she is driving in a safe manner so you dont have to pay more next year.

UnfinishedSymphon · 22/04/2020 10:38

It's an invasion of privacy, it shouldn't come with strings, you do not need to know where she has been, she's an adult

Insideout99 · 22/04/2020 10:39

Soo either we pay your insurance and have an app that tracks all your movements and leaves little room for privacy or pay yourself? It's fab you're paying for her but yes it is controlling. She is 18. Either give her a gift or don't. A gift with strings to control her will only push her away.

Ninkanink · 22/04/2020 10:40

Yes he should delete it.

No, it doesn’t mean she has to pay for her own insurance.

I helped my grown up children out as needed when they were younger and just starting out in life, without turning it into some kind of weird controlling thing.

Lefkosia · 22/04/2020 10:41

Making her pay an increase in premium at renewal probably isn't a realistic threat - her premium is likely to decrease at her age after a year of claim free driving but it's unlikely there is a way to tell if it would have decreased more had the black box recorded better driving. If you're paying you're entitled to know that she's driving sensibly and making an effort to keep the premiums lower

kmc1111 · 22/04/2020 10:44

Delete it, and if you want to see the rating then have her show it to you on her phone once a month.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 22/04/2020 10:45

Delete it and she pays for it herself.

Those crying "she's an adult", well if she's an adult she can pay for it herself the way most adults do, as did I.

raspberryk · 22/04/2020 10:46

No I didnt tell my parents where I was going, id maybe say I was going out and probably would be back in the afternoon/evening/tomorrow/ be gone all weekend and I'd text if it changed.

Nothing my parents helped me with had strings attached.
Do some of you think that money towards weddings and house deposits give parents the right to decide what house is purchased or who is on the guest list?

Miriel · 22/04/2020 10:46

I agree with Ninkanink. It's nice of you to pay for the insurance. Making that dependent on you having an app which tracks your adult daughter's movements is controlling. An easy solution, as others have said, is to ask to look at the rating on her phone every so often.

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 10:48

Doesnt she tell you where she is anyway?

"Seriously? You expect an 18 year old adult to tell their parents where they are going all the time? MN shows me there are so many controlling parents out there!"

It's not about being controlling, it's about family life. If you are usually home a certain time, and was going to be late, I'd have let my parents know. It's common courtesy. I did this at a much later age than 18. Do you not have discussions with your children and ask what they've been doing? Bit weird to me if you dont.

pigsDOfly · 22/04/2020 10:51

Why, because she doesn't want to have her parents' being able to track her every move, does it mean that she has something to hide, as some pps seem to think?

She's 18 and wants to feel like she has some autonomy, understandable.

I'd make it clear though, that if the premiums rise then you won't be paying them.

So many people seem to feel that if you help your children with money then you should have some control over their lives.

She clearly can't afford to pay for the insurance. You made the decision to buy her a car and pay for the insurance, as many parents do, but if you're not happy to trust her with it then don't pay it. Don't do it with strings attached.

NotAGirl · 22/04/2020 10:52

Delete the app.

I'm in a similar position with my son, there's no way he could pay his insurance and it never occurred to me to install the app on my phone! It is in his interests to drive sensibly as he knows he's being monitored by the insurance company. If he drives such that insurance premiums went up dramatically on renewal he'd have to wait until he could pay it himself next time. He's an adult, I trust him to work this out himself without me spelling it out to him.

I'm not thrilled that the main car has an app which means my husband can see where I've been, I'm not going anywhere he doesn't know about or up to anything but I still don't like the ability of being monitored.

Macncheeseballs · 22/04/2020 10:52

Tell her to get her own car

LochJessMonster · 22/04/2020 10:53

Fuck that. She can pay for it herself then. Keep the app, if you don’t look at the location then it doesn’t matter and might be useful in an emergency- if she has an accident it gets lost etc

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 10:55

18 is a funny old age, yes they are considered an adult, but then the govt takes parents earnings into account for uni contributions etc. They are also still finding their way at that age and quite vulnerable, especially if they have an accident etc. I'm sure the op isnt looking at the tracker much. We have a phone tracker but I hardly look at it.

Oakmaiden · 22/04/2020 10:56

Conversations are normal. Tracking on an app isn't. Yes, hopefully the ops daughter feels able to tell her parents where she is going and when she will be back. That isn't the same as them monitoring her.

And I appreciate the op says they don't monitor her - but then, if they don't, then they don't really need the app at all.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2020 10:57

Of course I have discussions with my 18 year old son who's still living with us but there's nothing weird about letting him live his own life without telling me everything he's been doing and everywhere he's going. That's weird to me that a parent still needs that much control over an adult. Yelku g me when he's going to be back roughly is not the same as knowing his every movement either. Of course its about control for a lot of parents, you see it here all the time.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2020 10:58

Tracking your adult child on an app is not normal family life either!

Blippityblop · 22/04/2020 10:58

I'm with others who think that this is an invasion of privacy and you should delete it. Even if you tell DD you don't look at it, she doesn't know if you are being truthful.

When i was 18, I lived in a different city to my parents so they had no way of knowing where I was most of the time. However, when I went to visit them, my mum would always insist that I rang her when I got home, because it involved driving on a motorway. I hated even that level of 'tracking' because it meant I couldn't stop off somewhere on the way back, such as to see a new BF, without telling her.

Ipadipod · 22/04/2020 10:59

With regard to telling family where you are going- don’t people have these conversations? I wouldn’t dream of just walking out without saying where I’m going. Surely it’s a normal thing to put your coat on and say ‘just going to the shop/ see a friend , visit Nan’etc.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/04/2020 11:00

The fact that she’s kicked off would make me assume she’s going somewhere you’d rather she didn’t go. So that would pique my interest straight away!

Secondly, I agree with many others that if she wants true independence she pays for it herself. It’s a great life lesson and will serve her well.

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