Should he delete it?

[emlizcor]

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

Let her pay for her own insurance. It costs over a thousand pounds for the year and she does not appreciate it. Her reaction would make me suspicious.

is she in your car is it on you rinsurance? Any way she can delete details off the app

i can see both sides maybe you can come to a compromise

I agree with your daughter, why wouldn't he delete? You are both weird and controlling.

What? Of course you shouldn't track your 18 year old daughter's whereabouts against her will. That's a shocking degree of control to exert. Ask her to show you the stats (on her phone) once a month and delete the app on dad's phone. If all you really wanted was to make sure the black box was happy with her driving you would already be doing this. Or just stay out of it and tell her if her insurance goes up she has to pay the difference. But stop making your daughter feel like she is being stalked.

For those who say YANBU because you pay the I insurance for her, I have got one question.

Say she gets into an abusive relationship and her DP pays for the insurance. Would you think it is fair for him to monitor where she goes because "she should pay it herself if she wants privacy".

If not, why not.

Let her pay for her own insurance. It costs over a thousand pounds for the year and she does not appreciate it.

Just a wild guess, but I'm thinking that the reason an 18yo hasn't instantly stumped up the money herself is not because she's been out regularly blowing a grand on wine, men and song.

Why is it a sign of not appreciating somebody's gift to you, just because you don't constantly tug your forelock and consider yourself their possession/slave?

They've bought her insurance: not her.

The parents can insist as much as they like that they're concerned about her safety or 'just want to make sure she's not doing anything foolish', but if they're totally honest, there's absolutely no genuine need or reason for them to do so - they are only doing it because they can and they hold the trump card over her of being financially-settled middle-aged adults rather than a very young person who has recently entered adulthood and is just starting to make her own way towards financial independence.

As I said before, this will likely change over the next few decades with them exchanging positions of financial wellbeing and independence. If that happens, I trust they won't object to their daughter demanding intrusive and personal details of every aspect of their lives.

The main lesson that we all need to learn is that having money makes you an important person with all of the rights, respect and dignity; and if you dare not to have plenty of money of your own, without any outside assistance, you simply don't matter and should be grateful if somebody gives you a nice warm kennel to live in.

Maybe, once lockdown is eventually lifted, we should make all of the folk who've suddenly lost their livelihoods because of COVID restrictions and are now needing urgent government assistance to keep them solvent stand outside Parliament every evening for the next 12 months and clap and bang saucepans to show their immense gratitude to their financial saviours. Of course, they wouldn't be forced to do this - if they aren't happy with it, they can always magic their replacement incomes up themselves....

I can see why'd she'd be annoyed but that's what happens when you let other people pay for you I think she needs to be paying for her own insurance AND you guys give her independence

My two adult boys are good enough to allow me to know their location through their phones! But I do stalk them and so will you with your daughter and this app. It may take some convincing, I think! Good luck 😀

I smell something suspicious.... OK so she is 18 but we've all been 18 and 95% of did stupid sh#t. If she lives at home and parents pay insurance then why shouldnt they also have the app? The only reason she would be unhappy is if she was trying to go somewhere you wouldnt approve of. If she doesn't like it suggest she pays her own insurance in future.

The only reason she would be unhappy is if she was trying to go somewhere you wouldnt approve of.

Using that argument, you could just as easily say that you'd expect OP and DH would leave their bedroom door open whenever they get up to anything 'marital' together. The only reason they'd be unhappy to do this would be if they were being unfaithful, right....?

@JimDuggansEye
Say she gets into an abusive relationship and her DP pays for the insurance. Would you think it is fair for him to monitor where she goes because "she should pay it herself if she wants privacy".

That's a false equivalence - the OP and her DH are not abusive! A better comparison would be if car insurance were paid for out of joint money in a "normal" relationship, and in that situation I wouldn't see a problem with each partner being able to see where the other had been.

Stand your ground, OP. Nobody is entitled to car ownership/usage, particularly not a healthy 18-year-old who presumably knows how to use public transport and how to ride a bike, and she needs to learn that independence works both ways. If she's not happy, nobody's making her drive anywhere.

A better comparison would be if car insurance were paid for out of joint money in a "normal" relationship, and in that situation I wouldn't see a problem with each partner being able to see where the other had been.

But that's a false equivalence too. A better comparison would be if the car insurance were paid from joint money, spouse A used the car happily for a while, then realised that spouse B was tracking their movements. Spouse A expressed that they were uncomfortable with this and wanted spouse B to stop, and spouse B refused because "their money, their rules". Spouse A does not have the money to take over the insurance payment on their own so is forced to put up with the tracking or give up use of the car, thus restricting their movements even further.

If you want to be assess her rating because you pay her insurance, why can’t she show you the rating info using he app on her phone? Then she might feel less watched whilst you still get some reassurance that she’s driving safely.

Perhaps you could frame the rating as something for her to feel proud of and want to share rather than a test of how responsible she is?

That's a false equivalence - the OP and her DH are not abusive!

But that's the whole point of what we're discussing! Abuse can take many forms and controlling and tracking another adult is just one of them.

You don't have to apply for official status as a certified abuser before you're able to act abusively - the description applies automatically to anybody who chooses to exhibit abusive behaviour.

Perhaps you could frame the rating as something for her to feel proud of and want to share rather than a test of how responsible she is?

You mean like a star-chart? for AN ADULT?!

I'm a carrot rather than stick person but I'd delete app but say that if she gets lower insurance because of her good driving, you'll split the difference on the saving with her. If her driving means insurance has gone up then she'll need to fund the difference herself. (that's if you still expect to contribute next year)

Or say you'll pay towards next years if she gets a decent discount, or whatever suits.