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Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 22/04/2020 11:51

I would delete it
TBH I wouldn't have had it in the first place

Privacy is very important to me
She is an adult FFS

TabbyMumz · 22/04/2020 11:52

I think those people saying it's weird just arent at that stage yet with their kids, or have never used this type of black box insurance to keep costs down. It's quite a normal thing among kids that age, to have the black box to keep insurance down, and becoming more normal for parents to pay for it and therefore have the app.

Years ago, parents would not pay for cars or insurance, but I think as we are more likely now to ferry them around to multiple clubs etc, it's a godsend when they can drive and do it themselves, so parents pay so as they can. It takes the load off, when they can drive. The app just comes with the territory.

Bristolbitsandbobs · 22/04/2020 11:54

Years ago, parents would not pay for cars or insurance well mine did and a petrol account. I'm nearly 50!

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/04/2020 11:54

Keep the app and if she's not happy then she can pay for her own .

user1487194234 · 22/04/2020 11:54

I have /and have had teens
Pay for cars and insurance
Would never have done this

Branster · 22/04/2020 11:55

The point of the app is alert about dangerous driving. She needs to install it on her phone so that she can see the alerts and so she can learn from them. There might be a way of seeing this information on a web based version as well if Dad wants to do a weekly, monthly review of how safe she is.
I don’t think he needs the app on his own phone.
Regardless of who paid for the insurance, if she is deemed responsible to drive then she should be responsible enough to learn from the app alerts.
I think she overreacted but don’t think she has anything to hide.
My eldest doesn’t have a box because she didn’t want one. She paid for the car herself, we paid for the first 6 months of insurance is one go at the beginning as she passed her test (multi car so it needed renewing in 6 months time) and then she paid for the next year in advance herself. For some reason, without a box her insurance was cheaper, no idea how.
But we share locations through the family Apple account. I probably only need to look once every few months if I can’t get hold of her or she’s on a long drive or away on trips and I’m a bit restless but she know this and is fine with it. It was all agreed.

Branster · 22/04/2020 11:55

Also 18 for comparison

Halo1234 · 22/04/2020 11:57

If she has nothing to hide why does she care? If u pay the insurance think u can say u want to have it. But if it's (rightly or wrongly) a big deal to her then why not just delete it to keep the peace. Dont see why u are insisting on having it and likewise why she is insisting on you not. One of u needs to back down and u are the parent. So u should be the bigger person and the one to let it go. Why do u want it? I did vote yanbu though but if to her you are just let it go.

Bluegrass · 22/04/2020 11:59

She isn’t tracked if she walks somewhere.

She isn’t tracked if she jumps on a bus.

She isn’t tracked if she gets the train.

She isn’t tracked if a mate picks her up.

If she wants to use the car her parents paid for, with the insurance her parents pay for, then she knows that the location of the car can be tracked - albeit her parents have said that they are not actually tracking where it goes.

I don’t find I have a huge amount of sympathy for her. She has all the usual freedoms, plus incredibly privileged access to a car at someone else’s cost, which comes which some potential monitoring. If that had been offered by my parents at 18 I’d have bitten their arm off. I was in my mid 20’s before I could afford to learn to drive, and still couldn’t afford a car.

ScarfLadysBag · 22/04/2020 11:59

Surely if the price goes up, you'll know and can then ask to look at the app on her phone? There's no need to have constant access to it, surely? I kind of agree that it's a bit of an invasion of privacy. If you trust her enough to pay for her insurance, then trust that she's driving safely until you learn otherwise.

BarbedBloom · 22/04/2020 12:03

This is controlling and I would not be happy. Helping out financially is one thing, adding strings is another.

sofato5miles · 22/04/2020 12:05

God, she needs to cop herself on, such entitlement from an 18 year old. A car, insurance and black box paid for by her parents and then wants to her independence.. suck it up buttercup.

@Bluegrass, I agree, if she feels the need to hide where she is, get a bus etc

I was given a car for my 18th birthday, had an account with a monthly allowance and had to pay all my uni rent, utilities etc for it as well as working in the holidays to top it up. I was just bloody grateful.

StatementKnickers · 22/04/2020 12:05

TBH the only places I went at 18 that I didn't want my parents knowing about were places where I was either drinking or doing drugs and she shouldn't be doing either of those if she's driving!

I wouldn't delete it while you're paying for the insurance. If she really wants to go somewhere without your knowledge, I'm sure she can work out other ways of getting there.

Brefugee · 22/04/2020 12:06

Legally 18 is adult so you can vote and marry etc etc. But physically the human brain only matures a few years later, and the adolescent brain does love to make its body take risks.

That is why the app is good. But i really don't see why the dad has to have it as well as the daughter. In normal circs. However the kicking off seems to be a bit of adolescent behaviour so a calm discussion about the whys and wherefores seems a good idea.

I am always astounded at other people's relationships with parents/children though. This one stuck out for me:

However, when I went to visit them, my mum would always insist that I rang her when I got home, because it involved driving on a motorway. I hated even that level of 'tracking' because it meant I couldn't stop off somewhere on the way back, such as to see a new BF, without telling her.

What is the problem with maternal concern that the daughter isn't crashed and dying in a ditch? It's not "Controlling" (unless control is an issue already) it's parental, normal human concern. And if someone is old enough to live away from their parents, they should be able to say "well, I'm not going directly home, I'll be fine". And the mum will worry anyway. Why do you want to cause your mum worry? I'm in my 50s and i always let people know when i get back home safely if I've been out in a group or without my DH or whatever and so do all my friends.

Horses for courses.

TerrorWig · 22/04/2020 12:07

I think so long as she’s happy to share the scores from her own phone and app that should be enough. I would have been really unhappy if my parents had done this when I was her age.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 22/04/2020 12:08

If she has nothing to hide why does she care?

Well, I've got precious little to hide but ..... I don't want the whole of MN knowing my comings and goings Blush

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 22/04/2020 12:10

It is very different your mum and dad knowing where your going to a while Internet forum. Come on don’t be purposefully obtuse.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 22/04/2020 12:10

Whole*

Meadows20 · 22/04/2020 12:11

Another vote over here to delete the app and go through the ratings on her app once a week - I would have not been happy if my parents could have tracked me somehow at that age - not for any other reason than it would have felt a massive invasion of privacy.

CJsGoldfish · 22/04/2020 12:14

I paid the first year insurance for each of my children when they started driving. It was just something I did and I would never ever have used that as a stick to beat them with. Or tracked their every move.
There's a lot of weird, almost anger, on this thread over parents paying insurance. Really bizarre. Surely not a big deal?

There is no need for you or your DH to have this app OP. You could check in once a week for the info you need. Otherwise, it's just controlling no matter how you try and dress it. Tracking your adult child really doesn't reflect well and won't end well.
I guess, at this point, you're too far in to acknowledge that.

Bluegrass · 22/04/2020 12:16

Most of us are being monitored constantly, it is the price we pay to access certain services.

Use the tube...every journey is logged and you are filmed almost constantly.

Use a credit/debit card, everywhere you shop is logged.

Use a store card, each individual purchase you make is stored on file.

Use the web...every site you visit is logged and the most intimate picture of your life is created.

This is all just a psycho- drama about her breaking away from her parents. She presumably feels uncomfortable that she can’t really achieve that because she relies on their money, so she is letting that frustration out by kicking off about this. It’s displacement, anger at herself that she isn’t yet able to stand on her own two feet and that “adulthood” isn’t quite full of the freedoms she imagined, it all comes with responsibilities and caveats.

HappySonHappyMum · 22/04/2020 12:17

Depends if he has it because he's a named driver on her policy. If that is the case then her insurance would be invalid if he deletes the app. It's part of the insurance agreement with my sons policy that any named driver on the policy also installs and uses the app. I would check the wording. To be honest though - my 18yo DS is just grateful he has a car, an insurance policy and can drive!

GreyishDays · 22/04/2020 12:18

Does the black box affect the amount of insurance? How about she pays any amount over what you’re expecting. Other than that I can’t see why you need to access it. He souls definitely delete it.

GreyishDays · 22/04/2020 12:18

*should

LouHotel · 22/04/2020 12:19

This reminds me of my mum offering £5,000 towards my wedding then stipulating 20 additional guests she wanted to invite, the type of dress she would buy, music choices...etc..

Basically you are overreaching, ask to see the app once a fortnight or something with her present.