Should he delete it?

[emlizcor]

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

I can see both sides. If she has nothing to hide what's the problem and as a grown adult she can pay her own insurance

@Wynston - because she's 18.

How many 18 year olds can afford their own insurance.

? Missed question mark

I would delete and ask for a monthly look at her ratings

You/your DD are in a "Contract" with the Insurers.

My questions would focus around are you allowed in Law to Delete any part of the App be that hers on the one on you DH phone.

Or would you be in Breach of Contract invalidating the Car Insurance?

Deal with the Legal factors first. Invalidating Insurance can have far reaching for you and your DD.

Once you know where you stand in Law it's up to you how you go forward with who pays what and who has what information.

If it makes a big difference to the cost of insurance I would discuss with DD and offer option of her paying. Personally I hate the idea of spying on ones family but have recently discovered that lots of parents of teenagers track them on find my phone. ( discovered through conversations at work with colleagues) . I have always expected my children to share their lives with me on their own terms .

You should delete the app

And you definitely shouldn't be using your financial support as a weapon and whip to get your own way. It's wrong on every level - morally, psychologically and will do nothing but harm to your relationship with your daughter

If you want to know how her rating is (though I don't see why you'd need to) - ask her. It's that simple.

Our children have way less freedom than we did. Part of growing up, learning to assess risk, self discovery etc is based on freedom and personal privacy.

And in this instance we're talking about a full grown adult!

I feel really sorry for her. You're putting her in an impossible, horrible situation. Either pay her insurance or don't. It's your choice but don't use it as a means of controlling and spying. You can deny it as much as you wish but there is no other reason for having the app

Delete

To be fair. I think she should be given the opportunity to take responsibility here. If the insurance goes up, she can pay the difference or lose the car. Without trusting her, she’ll never learn to stand on her own two feet. That being said, with her being so adamant about deleting it, it would cause suspicion for me. Has someone else perhaps said to her it’s weird and she never even thought of that?

Rightly or wrongly, I’d probably delete it and then add it back on tbh. If I knew I was only checking ratings. Or ask the insurer if you can be emailed these if you email them to request maybe?

You pay the insurance - your rules.

She wants her rules - tell her to pay.

She wants her rules and can't pay - sell the car and tell her to walk.

Noextremes2017

🙄 A lesson in how to make kids hate and have no respect for their parents. Horrible parenting.

if an 18 year old cant afford to pay her own insurance she shouldnt be driving, ive worked saved and paid for all my cars and insurance borrowd 300 quid off my mum once to pay for the upfront cost, paid it her all back over 2 months, if her insurance is that expensive she should have gone for an older cheaper car, most accidents happen in the first 3 years of driving for new drivers, you shouldnt have the app on your phone its controlling and its not the fact that you have the app its the information you could access by using it, and like you dont trust her, but on the other hand your paying for it so you need to make sure shes driving safely so it comes down next year, that being said you get an annual statement stating your score and renewal price etc and if she doesnt do it refuse to pay for it? saves all the arguing and privacy issues

Again, loads and loads of people saying if she can't afford it she shouldn't be driving. I can only assume that you all live in cities with great public transport.

Many 18 year olds can't get a job (part time or otherwise) or go to college/local uni without their own transport. How are they supposed to find the money if they can't earn it?

Owning or running a car that's needed has upfront costs. As a parent I was happy to help with that, no strings attached. My kids very much appreciated itand did what they could for me in return.

Cherish 123 appologies but I would simply not have been able to have a car if I couldn't run it myself.
My parents were simply not in a position to facilitate that.
I worked and so did my sdc.

as long as you are paying for the insurance, then it’s your rules.

Is she wants to play life by her rules, then she needs to pay her own way.

The way some people are talking, it's as though they don't believe children should ever have any choices in anything, because they're not paying for anything. It's crazy and I hope those people actually like their children more than what's coming across.

I think 18 is a very fine line between being a teenage daughter and an adult in her own right.
I haven’t read all the posts.
Do you think she may be visiting someone or an area you don’t like?
Do you have reason to not trust her?.
I am now on 3rd teenage dc having massively messed up in some areas of parenting dc1&2 and I now kind of adopt the ‘I trust you until you give me reason not to’
I think I’d delete the app unless/until the insurance goes up and then give her the choice to reinstall the app or to pay the difference.
I do fund dc3 more than I could do dc1&2 (not to the expense of car insurance tho) but I don’t use having that financial input into his life as a way to control his life .

@heartsonacake there a massive difference between supporting your kids and spoiling them rotten. Our sons wanted for nothing in terms of their genuine needs but we were determined that they would understand both the value of money and the need to earn it. It’s paid off. They are three fine, kind hearted and decent young men and I’m incredibly proud of them.

I have friends struggling already with sky high mortgages and then they take big loans/credit card debts who virtually bankcrupt themselves to buy the latest ‘stuff’ for their kids and that sometimes includes the must have car. I’m a nurse and it’s been ridiculous over the years to see colleagues nearly killing themselves taking extra shifts to pay for teenagers’ cars/holidays/latest mobile phones. At this moment in time, all of us have woken up to the fact that keeping our families safe is paramount. Material things are irrelevant. Possibly the OPs daughter needs to stop petulant posturing and unless she’s going to work she shouldn’t be out on the roads anyway. Maybe that’s something that could be discussed with her?

if her insurance is that expensive she should have gone for an older cheaper car, most accidents happen in the first 3 years of driving for new drivers,

That makes vanishingly little difference to the premium as 90% or more of the cost of the premium is down to one factor that she simply cannot change - the fact that she is only 18. You might as well say that getting a Knightsbridge flat will be far cheaper and infinitely more achievable if only you go for one with a B&Q kitchen rather than one with a bespoke designer oak one.

I realise that it's calculated according to risk, but it does seem horribly unfair that the under 21s, who may be at uni, in apprenticeships or at the very bottom of the career rung, have to pay a colossal amount for car insurance whilst the financially-established over 55s, many with savings, get it for relative peanuts, even if they run an expensive flashy car. And I say that as somebody who is far, far nearer 55 than 21 but with an old banger

18 is not really a magical cut-off point where parents stop having any say over what their kids do. Your DD is letting you pay for her car and presumably still living at home. When I was 18, I was a student, still living at home and my parents were paying all of my expenses - yes they had a right to say a little if they thought I wasn't studying

My sister was married with a baby at 18 - no, my parents didn't intervene in her life.

If your daughter is embarrassed about her destinations, she could pay her own insurance, or, hey, she could use public transport. I do, it hasn't killed me - in fact, it's made me the fit and healthy person that I am.

I dunno, I've probably spoiled mine more than some and less than others. They've never asked for anything though. We put them through their lessons and test and bought them a small almost new car to share and insured it. This was a life skill for them and saved us a lot of hassle in their latter year at school as they could take themselves (no public transport). It also means that they are less likely to go out drinking etc as they drive.

It's worked for us and they are also lovely young men, now at uni despite being a bit spoiled.

Insurance wise, first year with DS1 age 17 and black box was about £750, about month 10, DS2 passed and it cost us an extra £100 to add him. DS1 by this time aged 18. Year 2, DS1 18 and Ds2 17 was about £650, still with box. This year they are 19 and 18, cheaper now without the box than with and cost £350 as they have 2 years no claims. The insurance is in DS1s name as he lives at home and DS2 uses when he is home for holidays. When they move to a car each (funded by themselves!) then we'll need to subsidise DS2 as he wont have and NCD. I try to be fair.

I happen to think that things don't spoil a child, people do. I have a really good relationship with mine and trust them to make good choices.

She is 18 she is an adult now..delete it give her her privacy and trust her.

If your daughter is embarrassed about her destinations, she could pay her own insurance, or, hey, she could use public transport. I do, it hasn't killed me - in fact, it's made me the fit and healthy person that I am.

Well done for living somewhere with decent public transport. A lot of people don't. And if she can't get a job without a car, she has no means of saving to pay for her own insurance.

If she wants it deleted then she needs to pay the insurance .. simple.

18 is not really a magical cut-off point where parents stop having any say over what their kids do. Your DD is letting you pay for her car and presumably still living at home.

For all we know, she could be paying a market rent for her room - or dealing with all of the family washing etc. Some people are still living at home with their parents at 30, but you surely wouldn't treat them the same - so if you don't use the natural milestone 18 as the cut-off, when do you set it?

In fact, what about when the situation reverses and elderly people who can no longer cope living on their own move in to live with their adult children? What if they're now not able to pay their way - maybe they lived in council/social housing all their life and had no house to sell - and their son/daughter and family are now effectively heavily subsidising them. Would you say that elderly folk in that position should have to ask permission to do or buy anything for themselves, or to go anywhere, because 'you want the control, you pay your way'?

Delete it and agree that she has to share her rating with you on a monthly basis or something. So you know she is being responsible and safe (a condition of you paying for it). The condition shouldn't be about you having access, just that she's driving safely