Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

No I wouldn't take out a loan or spend 100s on anything without discussing it with the other person. He's massively unreasonable.

We discuss any large purchases. Our budget can handle not discussing small ones. A giant purchase like a bike would definitely get discussed in detail and would only happen if it didn’t strain the household budget.

@Bringmewineandcake thank you for your reply! I definitely feel like he's being unreasonable but you know when someone is so angry at you, you start to question yourself?

He's being selfish. No way would I be happy. Why is he speaking to you so dismissively ? That's not on.

He’s a child. A PlayStation? What is he? 14?

"you can't tell me what to spend my money on".

It isn't his money. Not anymore. It's family money. With his job potentially in jeopardy, does he really think he needs a bike and a playstation more than your baby needs nappies, food or a roof over his/her head?

You need to have a long and serious conversation about family finances.

@Littleshortcake he's been doing it for a while now. Any time I say something he disagrees with he shuts me down. This morning I asked him to stop kicking a ball in the house and he told me to "shut the eff up" and when I told him not to speak to me like that he called me a psycho for not being able to take the joke (although I personally don't see the joke?!). Every time I make a comment he doesn't like I'm a psycho at the moment.

I haven't got a clue what's going on with him. He's been off work for 5 weeks now due to COVID19 and the whole time it's been hell if I'm honest. All he does is play his console. He hasn't helped around the house, he refuses to come for walks, won't do any of the shopping and doesn't help with DD. He was more helpful when he was working 12 hours a day. I keep wondering if he's slipping into depression or something but I keep asking him how he is and how he feels and he tells me to stop being silly.

We discuss big expenses and I'd be both perplexed and pissed off if my DH spent that kind of money without a discussion first. I'm a SAHM so bring nothing (financially) to the table but every penny he earns is team money.

Sorry, just re-read your post. It isn't even his money in the first place! It's the bank's money. Don't spend what you don't have. Especially not on non-essential items.

The way he speaks to you is probably more of a problem than what he spends his money on to be honest.

@ednatheevilwitch it's upsetting me so much, I don't know where it's came from or what's going on with him. Every night for at least two weeks now I've came to bed early hoping he falls asleep on his game downstairs (he has). I'm not enjoying being around him at all right now and I'm sorry if that sounds bad because I do think there's a chance he's depressed but he's being really quite nasty.

We're probably unusual in not discussing large purchases. I've spent thousands on things and never discussed it with DH, and he's done the same. It's not an issue for us financially, and we have separate personal spending accounts so there's no risk of not having enough left for bills. Obviously if we were in a different financial situation it would be more important to discuss things like that.

If my husband has money over after paying all of his bills and fulfilling his financial obligations, I don't expect him to tell me what he spends the rest of his money on (it wouldn't be much, at most £100 per month).
I would be really annoyed if he committed our family to a loan or finance without agreeing it with me. That's my debt now too.

If it’s personal spending it comes from own accounts so we can spend it on whatever we want. Big expenses from the joint account are discussed ie new car, sofas etc

How do you split the available money

For example is he expecting these things to come from the bills money or from his own share?

I'd be really upset with that. It's not appropriate to spend that kind of money without discussion.

Op I'm worried that he is being so rude to you. Pregnancy is a key time for abusive men to escalate their behaviours and his language to you has got my hackles raised.

Cabin Fever. Times are difficult just now, we are all getting to experience different sides to our partners - I am lucky, we have a deal, that when we sit down for dinner, we review the day and find something - it doesn't matter how tiny or trivial - but POSITIVE to tell each other about. We often did it when we were both at work and needed to switch off from the working day, but now we need it even more just to buck each other up and keep going. There will be ralationships that will suffer from this "Lockdown" but there will be relationships that will prospere.

The way he speaks to you is not on.

Personal money no, but a discussion usually takes place anyway. Shared money for bills, etc - yes. Especially if money is tight/income is reduced.

Sounds like he is stressed, but the way he is behaving towards you is definitely not okay, esp. as you are pregnant and vulnerable. I would sit him down and say you both need to talk about his behaviour towards you and a plan for family finances. If he continues to act this way you may need to take drastic action in order to protect your DD, unborn child and yourself. Talk to your Midwife for where to access help and support. Also confide in a friend or family member 💐

Not a chance that would happen in my house!!
I'm actually gobsmacked as it is so far removed from the way we do things

We don't spend much as we don't have much and trying to save for a house..but we discuss pretty much anything from about £30 !

We discuss expensive joint purchases but not personal purchases. For instance, I bought my son and I new vehicles. I didn't waste his time with that .

Yes we discuss large purchases.

The way he speaks to you is not good.

Both those things are personal spends so would only be bought if the money was available out of personal money after all bills, food, essential travel, child related expenses where relevant and savings for annual, irregular and unexpected expenses have been covered.

After the above, whatever is left is split 50/50 between both partners to be spent as they liked but not necessarily discussed, but no-one should be spending money you don't have. You also need to resolve the situation where you can't afford basic essential clothing and he's buying big ticket items willy nilly.

Has he always been like this about money or is this another new behaviour? You shouldn't have to spell it out to him that these are uncertain times and we all need to review what we are doing about money and many will have to make changes to what we spend.

So he wants a bike and a new PlayStation, maybe he can ask Santa at Christmas!

Seriously though OP the way he is speaking to you is a real worry, it is absolutely not ok for him to take out his bad mood in you. You need to tell him to start treating you with respect or leave but you will not put up with his abuse because that is what it is.