Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

I took the bike to be a pedalling bike. So no licence, or thousands of pounds of leathers required, although he'll need a decent helmet of course.

Plus £1000 on a bike is still quite a cheap one compared with what you could spend, then there's endless clothes, garmins, shoes, gloves, gels etc etc. But seeing as he may not have a job and they're not managing their finances fairly, it sounds like he can't afford any type of bike at all.

No, I never discuss my personal spending as we have separate finances. However we can both afford our purchases, and would not get anything we could not afford. I could not be with someone who got a bike (or any luxury item) on finance. Especially if your income is precarious at the moment. What a selfish twat.

I think you know this isn't right.

This isn't really about the money - he's treating you like he has zero respect for you and it sounds like you let him get away with it by walking on eggshells.

I think he's showing you what he really is; disrespectful, selfish and a shit partner. I wouldn't accept that.

We would definitely discuss a purchase of that size and decide together. Little things we don’t e.g clothes, makeup etc. I imagine if it was a £100 or more we’d discuss it or at least mention that we needed something. Dh recently bought a chainsaw (loads of work to do in the garden) and we did talk about it briefly before he bought one - we considered hiring one at first. We’ve got a decent income, but it’s money for all of us so we talk about bigger purchases.

I'd nip this in the bud as quickly as possible. Sit him down, be factual. Say since lockdown you haven't helped around the house, with DD, have been rude and disrespectful, have spent £1.5k without discussing it during a time of financial instability. This is not the relationship I signed up for.

Tell him to pack off to his mums or you pack off to yours for a few weeks. Tell his family what he's been doing. There has to be consequences to his behaviour.

If it was something big such as a new car I would mention I was thinking about getting one but there wouldn't be a discussion as such and I wouldn't be seeking permission. We generally have separate finances though.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it

The way he speaks to you is terrible and unacceptable. The fact he thinks can spend these amounts without " hearing a word about it" from you shows huge contempt and disrespect. I wonder how he'd feel if you fancied buying yourself a £500 pair of shoes

I would be considering my future without him.

Taking out a loan without consulting you is a big deal- if you’re married and living together, your credit ratings are connected.

Loan aside, I’d be upset that it wasn’t discussed with me, especially if money was tight. DH and I don’t discuss ‘smaller’ purchases (new pair of jeans, etc), but I’d say anything over about £70 we’d at least mention to each other.

DH & I don't tend to discuss personal purchases, we both have our own spending/saving accounts for that reason. Pay monthly into the joint account, what's left after that is for our own use. That's very different than taking out a loan though! If DH were buying something on finance, I'd definitely want to know.

And sorry, but for someone who has never shown an interest in cycling, buying a £1000 bike is crazy. You can buy a basic model road bike from a good brand for £5-600. Still a lot of money (if you don't have it!) but someone who has never cycled really doesn't need to spend a grand.

No finance needs to be a joint agreement no matter who is paying for it, we are financially linked and it would affect mortgage/remortgage so that has to be made together.

My ex was like that. I'll never forget the look on his face that day my wage didn't go into the joint account, it was priceless. I was absolutely fed up of working hard & earning well but constantly being skint due to his spending, so I opened my own bank account for my wages & just transferred half the money for bills into the joint account. He paddied like a toddler. It was a sweet day.

Dh and I both work full time, we put a set amount into the joint account each month then the rest of the money is ours to spend as we want. I would usually discuss a more expensive purchase with him, just to see if he thought it was worth it and if we would use it.

We use our playstation to access netflix, sky, amazon tv as well as games. The attitude on here about games can be very narrow minded.

Anyway op, it doesn't seem like your dh has much respect for you or your life together. He shouldn't be deciding to go into debt to buy a bike. Does he normally just announce what's happening and expect you to fall in line?

I think what he spends out of his own money after all bills has been paid, is his business, the bike is a great source of exercise, secondly, the PS5 will be due out around Christmas. I hate to say it but I would not be happy about you questioning my personal purchases if I was you other half, but I appreciate these are very difficult uncertain times. Congratulations and enjoy your bundle of joy!

We have somewhat separate finances, we discuss large purchases and anything we would need to put on a credit card or get a loan for. Something we wouldn't actually do unless it was actually necessary.
How much provision has he made for baby items or is he like my ex and leaving all child expenses down to me while he carries on spending on his online games and sports car?
He sounds like the type who's going to see nursery fees come out of your wages and still expect you to pay half your bills and all the things the child needs and you'll still be wearing your maternity leggings and broken bra years later. He will carry on like he's still carefree and single.

£1000 for a bike is most certainly not "cheap" when his wife only has one, broken, bra

And if you read both of my posts lyra, you will see that I have said that their main problem, along with the possible instability of his income, and impending newborn, is that they're not sharing finances fairly.

As in him buying the bike and playstation, while she can't even afford a bra, and that they should split any spare money 50/50 for their own personal spending, after they have covered all joint household costs.

I was merely pointing out that you can spend far, far more than £1000 on a bike, as in a small silver lining in this whole mess is that he's not spunking £5-10k on a Santa Cruz full susser like someone else's DH was on here the other day, a similarly priced carbon road bike, or an ebike.

We don’t do credit so a loan without being discussed would be a big issue for me.

Personal spending we don’t run past each other, I’d hate to have to ask permission to spend my own earned money. Large purchases like cars and holidays we agree together so that we have both had an input.

I don’t get the snobbery about adults having games consoles though, many enjoy them as a hobby and they aren’t just for children. A hobby is good for a person.

I’m a collector (dolls houses) and my partner is a gamer. So that things are fair we have a system that how much one spends, the other can have the equivalent. But only once all bills are paid for.
So some months my partner might spend more if he’s buying specific equipment. And then the next month it’s my turn.

For someone who needs to use finance £1000 is massively dickish.... Especially when he's had no previous interest....

You can get basic bikes for a couple of hundred... And see if he LIKES it.... There's always loads of second hand race/mountain /hybrids around...

No he doesn't and he's spent a lot of money before (we don't do credit or loans though). The difference is I'm not scrabbling around saving pennies, he transfers me money. In my opinion it's completely unacceptable for couples to be living polar opposite lives in terms of wealth. Do you have any access to joint money? What does he do if you ask for some money towards a new bra? Also please tell me you don't buy all the DC clothes etc.

I’d be just as worried about the way he’s talking to you as well as the racking up debt at a time you can’t afford it. I’d be telling him very bluntly that if he thought his “jokes” were the correct way to deal with a situation that could end up splitting you up then we might as well speak to a solicitor now. And I’d bloody well mean it.

It isn't his money. Not anymore. It's family money

God I hate this arrogant “my way is the only way” nonsense. It’s not family money in many homes.

My husband and I have been together 30 years. We have a joint account and pay a proportion of our incomes in, and have roughly the same disposable income.

Would I discuss it, as in ask permission or seek agreement, absolutely not. Nor would I wish him to do so with me. Would I tell him, of course, as in an ooh I’m buying a bike or whatever.

Sounds like your husband has bigger issues though. He’s treating you badly and it seems frittering money away that you might not be able to afford, neither my husband or I would do that if we were concerned financially about our joint position.

So I’d say there is something else going on here. Maybe he’s thinking if he looses his job that’s the last chance he has to buy these things, maybe he’s bored and not coping well. You know him better than us, it’s hard for us to guess.

I’d also be very concerned about someone kicking a ball in the house and calling me pyscho or telling me to shut the fuck Up.

I think it would be his reckless attitude to money currently that would concern me, and the fact he’s nasty and frankly behaving like a teenager.

If it’s a change in personality and his job is at risk and you’re on maternity, it could be he’s not coping. Hard to get to the bottom of if he won’t discuss it though.

I would never take a loan without discussing it first. In fact, I'd never take a loan!
All our finances are in one pot so it's likely I'd mention it if I was going to spend a lot, however as long as the money is there, I wouldn't be seeking permission if that makes sense.
Mind you, with a toddler and a baby on the way, neither of us would be spending money on unnecessary crap. It sounds like you two have different attitudes towards money, which is a problem in and of itself.

I think what he spends out of his own money after all bills has been paid, is his business, the bike is a great source of exercise, secondly, the PS5 will be due out around Christmas. I hate to say it but I would not be happy about you questioning my personal purchases if I was you other half, but I appreciate these are very difficult uncertain times.

He doesn’t need to take out a loan for £1000 to do exercise. How is taking out a loan for that amount without discussing it, acceptable? Especially when the OP is wearing broken bras because she can’t afford a new one.

Where is the care and respect on his part? As it sounds like he doesn’t do a lot and treats the OP with utter contempt.

These aren’t what I’d consider to be personal purchases. I’d think a bit of markup, magazine, that sort of stuff within reason. Your DH is making big purchases in a way that will hugely affect affect the household finances - especially a new finance agreement. How are you going to pay it if he has lost his job? And if he defaults it will have long reaching consequences for instance if you want a mortgage.

I think there must be more to it - unless he does this all the time? Is he worried about Covid and having a bit of a fuck it moment? Doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but might explain it.