Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

We discuss large purchases so yes, I’d have expected DH to mention a 1k loan for a bike. Smaller stuff not so much, I don’t need him to tell me every time he wants to buy underpants for example.

No, we don't discuss how we spend our money. Bills are paid first, and money goes into savings. After that we spend as we choose, and our finances are completely separate.

But we aren't in any financial difficulties and aren't living to a budget. If we were then I'd expect we'd work our finances differently.

OP buy yourself some underwear for gods sake, don't be a martyr.

large purchases, yes of course. eg £200 or more.

financed items with 0% or interest added, if i bought them yes of course eg if it was more than £100 pcm.

if i fancy a splurge at molton brown and drop £75, no.

im appalled that you are not spending money on basic items and yet without consultation he commits to a £1000 bike. im sure he could have got cheaper but that's not the point. very selfish.

its family money if you live as a family and own things together.

My OH and I run our finances completely jointly. Neither of us would take out a loan without telling the other. We probably have some kind of discussion about most purchases over 100/200 pounds. Not so much asking permission, as when would be a good time for this big spend, checking in with each other that no other big expenses are due. If you were running your finances by splitting what's leftover between you, I'd say that's different, but it doesn't sound like it from the OP.

There seems to be something else going on. I don't know what to say other than keep trying to talk to him about it (at a time when he seems in a better mood). I'd probably also run a credit check just in case there were any more secret loans.

I'm very sorry OP. But this crisis has shown you exactly who you're married to. And he isn't a good man.

Totally separate money does not work when you're a family.

So, is your house owned or rented? In whose name is your property?
How long have you been married?

And buy yourself a bra (or two!!)

We pay bills from one account then do what we like with our leftovers. There's an expectation from us both that the other makes an effort to save each month and we both do so, however when I'm on maternity leave later this year I will expect both our spending on luxuries to stop and for big purchases to be only necessary things. Partner is in agreement with this and I expect after maternity we will still have separate finances to a degree for personal purchases.

I think what is odd in your situation is that your partner didn't mention the bike in conversation, and has taken out finance for it too. I would have an issue with that purchase as it's an indicator of poor financial decision making which might leave us short on our joint expenses.

Up to a few hundred pounds then no.
If I was thinking of spending 700 ish on myself then yes I'd tell him but not expect any issues with that. But that's within the boundaries of what we can afford to spend on ourselves.
Over a grand then it would not be something just for me so would be a joint purchase and therefore discussed.
Is disrespectful and rude to not discuss if you don't have the money to spare as a family.

*BritWifeinUSA

He’s a child. A PlayStation? What is he? 14?*

Nothing wrong with an adult owning a playstation.

Only thing wrong is not discussing large purchases with his partner.

It's not his money if he has to borrow, is it?

On one hand, some people will find it extremely hard to be at home with little to do.
On the other hand, I think in your case it may have revealed your partner for what he is. He has no excuse not to do his fair share at home, and has to find a way of getting along with you.

If he's starting to borrow money for non-essentials, I'd start calculating how better off I'd be without him. At least you'd get maintenance pay and not debt from him.

Thanks for all of your replies! It's been a busy day, DH was up all night on his console and therefore has spent today in bed.

I'm not pregnant now, I am on mat leave with my DD - sorry if I wasn't clear. FWIW, I don't think he needs to ask my permission for spends at all, I just think if he's making a decision/purchase that's going to cause us to struggle financially he should discuss it with me. I don't want to control his spends or his free time I just can't cope with always panicking about money and being super careful whilst he's acting like this. It's unfair that I'm losing sleep and stressed and he's just carrying on as normal.

When we have spare money, I would be really happy to see him treat himself and enjoy his purchases, I'm not trying to spite him.

I think for me the bigger picture here is that he's treating me like I don't have a say in our family life. For example today, if I was to complain that he'd been in bed all day or that he kept me awake being so loud on his console, he'd not apologise, he'd tell me to stop moaning and to stop trying to control him. So I won't even bother saying anything.

I know I might sound spiteful complaining that he's bought the bike, but it's not about spite it's that I'm genuinely concerned that we're going to run out of money, especially if he does lose his job.

Ps. Bra has not long broken - I definitely intend on getting myself some new underwear next time I go to do our big shop!! I only mentioned that to just make it clear I'm not being a hypocrite and spending loads of money on myself and then moaning at him. I'm being extremely careful, that's all, like most of us at the moment.

Really appreciate the opinions though - feels good to be able to speak freely as I feel like I've been on egg shells at home!

You don't sound moany or spiteful at all OP. He sounds like a selfish arse.

He's treating you quite badly OP.

Is this unusual behaviour? How old is your DD?

Money is fairly tight here. We manage but have to be fairly sensible. We would always tell the other person, as a courtesy really, if we were going to buy new running shoes or something else in that £100 ballpark. Big purchases like new bikes, expensive race entries (we pretty much only spend on our expensive hobbies 😂), holidays etc. Are definitely discussed and planned.

Things have taken a bit of a turn for the worst to be honest. When he eventually got out of bed I gave him his dinner, washed up, cleaned up all the baby's toys and got her ready for bed and put her to sleep. Whilst he sat watching videos on his phone. No thank you or offer for help.

Then I came up to bed too because to be honest I felt like I was in his way down there. He woke the baby up shouting on his game so I text him and asked him to be quiet and he came running up the stairs, came into
The room shouting at me literally seething and called me a bitch. I asked him to leave and talk to me normally tomorrow because he was going to wake the baby and he just carried on. Eventually he left but continued shouting from downstairs. He's stopped now.

He's always been terrible to argue with in terms of he never backs down and he's a swearer but the way he's been recently and this tonight is disgusting. I can't have my child growing up thinking this is how men treat women! He just won't listen to me he says I'm a psycho and that's the end of the chat.

I really do sympathise if he's depressed or there's more going on but I can't be his punch bag any longer. He's frightened me tonight.

Anything under about £90 ish no. Like a pair of trainers etc I won’t ‘ask permission’ . Anything more then yes.

He sounds like an aggressive teenager addicted to his stupid games console. Fucking child.

OP, this is really awful and you absolutely don’t deserve this treatment. He’s being vile. He’s also making major purchases that affect your joint finances so he needs to be discussing them. Is the arrival of your baby anything to do with it? I’m asking just because my friend’s partner suddenly became incredibly short tempered and nasty and it seemed he was resentful that his responsibilities meant he wasn’t free to do what he liked anymore. Your partner is a father but isn’t acting like one if he never helps out with childcare and doesn’t try to ensure your future finances are secure enough.

He's a very insecure man, it's a massive problem for him in that he wears two pairs of trousers even on holiday because he thinks his legs are too thin (there's nothing wrong with them), he refuses to get his hair wet (even I've never seen it wet) if there's the slightest bit of rain he goes absolutely nuts, he actuality ruined a day in London because it rained and his hair got a bit wet (as did mine) and he was so angry as if it was my fault. He also can't stand the wind in his hair, he was in the garden the other day and the wind blew his hair and he started shouting and swearing. He's always been extremely paranoid about how he looks. He came home from work before and someone had said something implying he was thin and he came home so angry. I'm wondering if maybe someone on the console is giving him grief and he's taking it out on me or something? Or maybe because he's scared to ask his boss for what he's owed he feels angry and I'm getting the brunt of that?

Whatever it is I just can't take it anymore. I'm sorry if I sound dramatic but I'm actually considering leaving. It's too stressful. If it's not the money I'm worried about, I'm upset at him ignoring us and now he's calling me names and swearing at me? Since he's been off all he does is make mess and noise I don't need another child to take care of.

I wish he was more approachable I'd ask him to talk and tell him how unhappy I was but there's no point. He will just use his classic "you're being psycho" line and make me feel stupid.

Yes you need to make plans to leave.

He's a mess and taking it out on you. He won't change.

I'm so sorry.

your last post is worrying. If a friend was describing their partner to you in these terms what would you think? You are a new mum and instead of enjoying this precious time you are living in this pressure cooker atmosphere. Calling you a psycho and a bitch should be the last straw
really - but I appreciate lockdown does throw a spanner in the works.
Nevertheless - its time to confide in someone in RL isn't it?
Very unMumsnetty hugs to you. Stay safe x

You really need to get out. Is there somewhere you can go?

He sounds awful OP

Considering leaving??

Get out as soon as you can.

What on earth did you see in him in the first place? Or has this really escalated?

When I clicked on the thread I kind of expected it to be about a hair cut or a book or something. To which the answer would have been no, we wouldn't discuss that, im also on maternity leave. But things like him buying a new XBox (even though he earns much, much more than I do) or me paying for repairs to my car or getting a new one (he doesn't drive), we would absolutely discuss! He is being very unreasonable!

I am usually a lurker here. But your situation sounds horrendous so I had to say something. What exactly do you get out of this relationship? It doesn't sound like anything at all. The spending is the least of it. He literally is a wast of time and space. Please think of yourself and your baby.