Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

Have you got family you can go to?
It really sounds like things are escalating and you may soon be physically unsafe.
Make that plan and get out when you can.

I am an emotional spender. I know my weaknesses now so try to be more reasonable with my spending but when I'm falling into a low period I spend money I don't have. The difference is I am single so all of those issues are mine and mine alone.
I would be very pissed off if I were you.

OP, the thing you said about hoping he would fall asleep on the sofa and not join you in bed, that was the absolute saddest scariest thing I've read in a long time. You sound like you're scared of him and scared of speaking your mind to him (I don't blame you at all). Please leave this man, he reminds me of my own dad. My mum was really brave and split up with him. You can do it. Do it for your kid, who will be much happier in a lovely calm home with no scary angry adults. You haven't done anything wrong, you've given him chances, now is the right time to leave.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. You should leave.

Yes op he's as lighting you. As pp said often men can flip during and after a pregnancy and become abusive. The insecurities are troubling because left unchecked that is the sort thing that could start to manifest in him becoming concerned that you are eying up other men etc. The money is the tip of the iceberg with that man.

How long have you been together?

Sadly I think this is the real him. I don't think you will ever understand his behaviour as abuse isn't rational.

OP I'm not trying to frighten you but I'm genuinely scared for your safety living with this unpredictable aggressive man.

since I've been on mat leave he seems to think it's his house and I'm a freeloader
This isn't 'depression' or the 'Xbox'...this is him. This is who he is.
A nasty, insecure abusive bully.
He waited until he had you well and truly in a vulnerable and dependent position before showing you who he is behind the mask.

He wasn't always like this at all, in fact he was honestly really lovely before I got pregnant

Pregnancy is a very common time for abuse to start

Yes we do, because I either need encouragement or to be talked out of purchases.

I have been whistfully looking at the mulberry outlet and know it’s silly as I don’t even have anywhere to take one out with me right now.

DH is the voice of reason.

DH discusses things with me to but I’m far more encouraging as he hardly buys anything for himself

Please leave this abuser for your safety and well-being. You will feel so relieved and think why didn't I do this earlier.
Make a plan.

I've had an abusive partner who wore me down with his temper and demands including sexual. I felt I was walking on eggshells too. He would intimidate me and threatened me...once said in bed if you knew what I really wanted to do to you...this was when we were breaking up.

So glad he's gone...he was so charming to my loved ones and to me at times... Jekyll and Hyde.

Leave....you and your daughter will be so happy. Make a plan and call the Police.

Life is precious...don't waste yours on someone who doesn't deserve you.

If you can get a copy of why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it is worth reading. I think there may even be a pdf copy online. I did not realise how abusive my ex husband was until I read it. It really helped me to see how controlling he was and I had been trained to accept very poor treatment. I’m another who thinks you should leave as soon as you can to protect yourself and your daughter. It is very worrying that he came upstairs shouting at you in response to your text. I’m concerned he could become violent to you.

To echo PP, lots of abusers wait until pregnancy to start. You're more vulnerable then, more reliant on them, with less of an income and fewer options than pre-children. He laid the groundwork before you got pregnant, moving you away from friends and family etc. And now he's upping his game. I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes physical abuse, OP. Far safer to get out now before that happens.

OP, I could have written all of your posts myself. It took me years and years to leave him (and several children later). Don't be me and waste your good years on this abusive bastard. Kick him out today. You will feel so much better and have a happy life without him. Less work (looking after this manchild), less stress, no tension, no resentment. Just you and your baby living happily and peacefully. Can you close your eyes and imagine what that would be like for a moment? How you would wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, nobody calling you names and making you feel like shit.

If you need help getting him out, have you got a friend you can call, or ask the police to help you. WA can give you lots of advice about this.

Sorry I've not been on today. When he eventually woke up he called me a "fat c u n t" and it really kicked off.

My dad came to get me and DD and he got his mom to come over. He's left the house now and agreed to go to his moms for a few days so me an DD are back here and safe as I've bolted the doors, his mom has assured me he won't come here though and tbh I don't think he will.

He was outrageously angry and scary this morning so I needed to get away.

His family have been quite dismissive of me and think he's done nothing wrong.

I've told him it's over and I want no contact with him for at least the time being. He's got his family messaging me saying he wants 50:50 custody which is just insane. He wasn't interested in spending time with DD when he was here so he's just doing it as he knows it'll frighten me and he probably thinks I'll want him back.

I need to educate myself on what my rights are here. I want them to have a relationship but 50:50 is too much right away, he's never had her for longer than 4 hours by himself, never bathed her or fed her. I'd be worried sick.

I can't believe all this has happened today. It's been absolutely horrendous but at least me and DD are safe and he's not here to keep us awake all night.

This happened to me when my dd was less than 3 months old, 5 years ago this week. You sound so much stronger than I was at that point, I'm sorry it's come to this but well done. Your in laws will unfortunately like mine have their sons interests at heart and won't see he's done wrong until he shits on them too. If you'll pardon the expression.
You know the truth, don't worry about wasting energy convincing anyone else, besides it's not their business.

Glad you're thinking practically, make sure you have your own bank account and divert any of your money, child benefit, etc whete your husband can't get it.

Get onto universal credit asap, and council tax as they don't backdate easily.

He wouldn't get 50 50 contact , don't worry about that.

If you need practival advice pm me as it could be long.

Well done op. I'm no expert but it is normal and very common for family to back their child and be a driving force in them asking for 50/50. As pp said he's very unlikely to get this and actually if he's been useless up till now he's unlikely to push for it once everything has settled down as this would disrupt his freedom.

Pleased to hear you have got him out. I think you should Contact Womens Aid for advice and contact the Police on 101 to record the abuse and situation.

I hope you get some rest. Well done.

In bed enjoying the quiet I've been longing for. Still can't believe what a crazy day it's been. So happy he's gone.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm worried that he's going to try and take my baby away from me but there's nothing I can do right now. I need to try and get some sleep and calm down.

Well done OP. You are incredibly brave and doing the right thing for your kids. I agree with PPs that you should call women’s aid for advice on your rights and a way forward. I’d also report to the polices they are aware and consider changing the locks.

Well done op

You've been strong for yourself and your child, and when your little girl grows up she'll know you don't just take someone's shit, you do the brave thing and get the fuck away from them.

I'm so so so so pleased for you. I hope you're having a good rest and enjoy the first day of the rest of your new life tomorrow 💖

OP I am glad you are safe but I would follow the advice above and perhaps start a thread in a more appropriate section of mumsnet to get some advice from women in similar situations

Depending on where you are local authorities have things set up for domestic violence support.

I have no direct experience but given the age of your child and the current lockdown he wont be able to get your baby so for now just get your ducks in a row and seek out as much advice and support as you can get and ignore him and his family for now.

Good luck and stay strong.

Ou are dling great.

Don't worry about custody right now. It will take an age to go through courts and he won't be given 50/50 of a baby . He's probably saying that to avoid maintainance ...

Well done OP.

I hope you are starting to realise that he has been hugely abusive to you for a while now and your description of him regarding his temper, vile language and rages is all deeply disturbing.

You would be well advised to register with the police that you had to call your father to get you and your child to safety, because of his rage, and that you were afraid.

This really needs to be logged.

You do not want him near your daughter.

You also want them to respond quickly if you have to call them.

You do not want this horrible man back.

He is a nasty waster.

You have a chance to make a decent life for yourself without his anger and ugliness permeating every bit of your life.

Well done

Well done OP!

The 50/50 will just be an angry threat on his part. He’s lost control. Be careful though as you’re bound to get more manipulation and abuse from him and his family. I would look at the advice others have given about contacting women’s aid/police/support. Keep all messages and emails he sends you.