Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

OP This is a very worrying situation you are in and it is totally unacceptable to be spoken to like this.

I usually people fling out ltb on here too easily but really op he needs to go, he sounds awful. Depressed or not this is absolutely not ok for him to treat you this way. Is there somewhere you can go with your dd? Or better do you think you could get him to leave?

If one of us was buying something for over 150-200ish pounds then we would discuss it for sure. The last time we had a discussion was about a new phone I think.

No not really but bills and savings come first. If I want to spend 600 on a handbag and I'm not spending money that is supposed to be paying something else then I will! My money is not his and his money is not mine...yes it's family money but if he saves over a year to buy something that he has wanted (like a bike) then who am I to tell him he can't. Now if he is accruing debt then that's a different issue!! THAT I would not be happy about! And yes we are married with dc.We're not overly frivolous anyway tbh we do spend money on things (I do have a few mulberry handbags...because I like them and he will buy the odd gadgety thing every couple of years.

No one should be calling you a "bitch", let alone your partner! He sounds juvenile and unpleasant, with his gaming and temper.

I think you've got bigger problems here than just the money situation, but for info, yes we discuss purchases over a certain amount of money. I think where that level is (i.e. at what amount £ you discuss) depends on your family's financial situation. Obviously the tighter the budget, the lower the level for discussion, and personally, I think any new debt (beyond a mobile contract) should be discussed.

We have no shortage of money (both well paid professionals) but I'd mention it if it was anything over about £350 or so. Often that would be more out of courtesy, rather than an actual discussion. Over about £500 on a single item then I'd be asking for input "I was thinking of xx. It's costs £x" "Ok.". So £250 pair of winter boots no need to mention, but a new laptop at £700+ should be mentioned. If we had a much tighter budget then it could be anything over £100 should be discussed, or whatever is appropriate depending on how much free cash you have every month.

Actively encourage him to go out and buy the bike. In his name. While he’s gone pack what you need for you and the baby and leave right away.

He's been abusive to you, I had my xh removed by the police after an episode like this as my kids were asleep upstairs. They were more than happy to take him to his parents. They then came the next day to take a statement and I was advised not to let him in again, to call them if he tried to gain access.
He was named on the mortgage and it made no difference, no way was I moving when I had all the things for the kids there.
Get him chucked out.

When money’s tight we discuss pretty much anything over £50. I’d be appalled at £1000 spent without discussion.

I have my own business money, and even that I discuss anything much over £250 as it affects our personal finances.

He sounds awful, and dangerous. You'd be much happier without tiptoeing around at home, it sounds like you'd have less stress, less mess and more money if you kicked him out. I'd consider talking to the police as well, he's an abusive wanker and you'd be well shot of him

Just read your updates. You need to leave before he gets violent. Do you have family or friends you can go to?

Yes op you should seriously look into separating. I know things might be tricky at the minute with the lockdown but you are at the moment effectively locked in a house with a man who sounds like he could be one more minor incident away from turning violent. If you have family I suggest having a chat with them.

Is there someone you could stay with in a pinch? Family perhaps? Who owns the house you're in?

Your updates are horrifying
He doesn't sound right in the head.

You should see look in to options for him to move out. Could he go to his parents?

It sounds like your situation is getting worse. Please call Women’s Aid

What is your housing situation?

Get rid, doesn't sound like he'll leave so plan to go yourself with the baby, hope you've got somewhere safe to go. He's gaslighting you calling you a psycho and it's obviously working if it means you then feel bad about yourself

I suspect you're a really nice mild person and he's using that to make you doubt yourself so he can carry on behaving like a piece of shit. Also doesn't sound like gaming is doing much for his 'personality', I had a partner like this who was an aggressive bastard and he became so obsessed with gaming that any mention of him stopping sent him into a wall punching rage.

Yes he might be depressed or stressed but a reasonable, nice person wouldn't take it out on you in that way or if they did snap they'd bloody apologize after. Please try and stop feeling sorry for him and get some space from him for a bit at least so he isn't clouding your judgment by calling you names. I promise you'll see it much more clearly

Good advice re calling the police

For example today, if I was to complain that he'd been in bed all day or that he kept me awake being so loud on his console, he'd not apologise, he'd tell me to stop moaning and to stop trying to control him

Oh OP I'm so sorry. He sounds like a teenage boy ranting at his mother because she's told him to keep the noise down and as for staying in bed all day because he was up all night playing games, again, teenage boy behaviour, not the way a husband and father should behave.

I agree with PP in that he's dangerous and my concern for you and your baby is that he will snap. Please contact someone.

Anything which required a loan would absolutely be discussed with my partner and in your situation neither of us would consider making such an extravagant purchase. Since he doesn't actually need the bike it's ridiculous to take finance out to buy it.

Little purchases like clothes etc nope, but if we're talking over £100 then yeah definitely.

Day to day spending no, but a large amount of money, I would discuss with DH, he wouldn’t be at all happy if I took out finance without talking it over first & I wouldn’t be happy either YANBU.

He sounds awful- playing computer games all the time is not going to be helping! It's great you are thinking of leaving him and recognise this is not a situation you want to be in. What is your housing situation, rent or owned? Who is on the mortgage or tenancy?

Anything under £200 I wouldn’t really discuss first but that would be my cap. He’s being selfish and stupid.

We rent and both our names are on the tenancy. He definitely wouldn't leave, even though we pay half each equally to the house, since I've been on mat leave he seems to think it's his house and I'm a freeloader. I saved before we tried for DD so I'd have enough to keep paying my bit (imagine if I hadn't the mess we'd be in now!).

He wasn't always like this at all, in fact he was honestly really lovely before I got pregnant. He had his moments for sure, but he'd always apologise when he calmed down and seemed to understand when he'd been wrong - whereas now, he can absolutely never ever be wrong. He will justify coming in and shouting at me and calling me a bitch last night by saying "you were trying to control me by telling me to be quiet". I find the whole thing crazy. All he does is play his game and on the evenings I get DD settled which upon recently has taken well over 2 hours each evening (thankfully she's playing ball a bit more at the moment), he sits downstairs has a few cans of beer and plays his game whilst I say nothing and then I'm up with DD in the morning when he has a lie in, and again I say nothing- what about that is controlling?

Sorry I pressed post before I was finished.

I'm glad someone mentioned gas lighting I just looked and I definitely feel that's happening!! He's trying to justify his behaviour by blaming me and honestly I sit sometimes and wrack my brain trying to wonder is it me?

My friend lives with her daughter and boyfriend (not the father) and they've been going on walks together, he's been taking the little one out on her bike and just doing normal family things really and it's got me thinking, he's acting like more of a father and being a million times more helpful than my DH is to his own daughter!

I told my friend how wonderful I think her DP is and she said, no that's just how families work, he lives with us so he is now part of this family. And it just make me think, any time I see or hear of a man cleaning, cooking, getting up with baby etc. I think how wonderful they are and how lucky their wives/girlfriends are - but that's wrong! It's not wonderful it's normal!

He's still in bed this morning and I don't think I'll see him until way after lunchtime, I don't know what I'm going to do to be honest but I think for today I just need to try and avoid him as much as possible.

I revise what I said before, that is gaslighting and abuse and you need to make sure you and the baby are safe. There are resources listed on this site, and you can check out Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme. Get help from family and friends. If you can safely read Lindy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?", it has been of great help to many on here. But don't let him see it. Make sure you log out of the site when you're not using it so he can't see the thread.

Abuse so often starts in pregnancy because they think you're trapped.

Don't talk to him about it. Make a plan.