Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

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I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

Is this your first mat leave or are you pregnant with a second? Just wondering because a certain breed of man tends to start getting very nasty when their partner first has a baby because they suddenly perceive things as ‘unfair’.

He sounds horrid. Sorry op I feel for you. This isn't about the money alone is it, he needs to talk about what's up

To answer your question my DP would never do this (neither would i) anything over 200-250 We discuss and we are both earning well/comfortable. I mention this only for context as 1k makes less of a dent.

my first thought is he presumably got the bike so when the baby comes he can transform into one of those bike wankers who fuck off on 80 mile rides every Saturday with his mates but that aside...

I think you know something isn't right, only you can tell if it's who he is or something is amiss but beyond the fact it's 1k you can't afford you are about to both have a small baby.

He is treating you like shit, it's not normal and not okay.
He is a millstone around your neck at home.
He creates a horrible atmosphere.
He is begaving like a stroppy teen, playing games until you fall asleep is honestly pathetic.

Based on what you describe I'd be telling him to get the fuck out to let him know I mean business but appreciate finances may well not allow it.
You do however need to let him know you want change and you are serious.
Move him into a different bedroom (you
Dont move he moves) Stop doing anything for him, cooking for him cleaning his mess or washing his clothes.
He should be ashamed.

I think it depends on level of income. In the situation you are both in it’s totally inappropriate. I would be absolutely flaming mad if I were you.

Hmm your dh's employer is withholding payment and your dh hasn't worked in 5 weeks? I get a lot of people are off at the moment but I'd be questioning whether he still actually has a job?

Anyway, no there is no way I would make such a purchase without consulting dh unless it was a gift for him and I was 100% sure we could afford it. But even then I wouldn't buy a gift on finance so no I wouldn't do this. And I would be mortified if dh did as I would see it as going behind my back.

FWIW, I have an ex who suffered from bipolar. Whenever he was very down, he would start making big purchases he couldn’t afford (leaving me with all the bills). I’ve come to see irrational and unusual spending patterns as a sign of someone feeling down - like they’re trying to buy some happiness.

I wouldn’t ask DH if I could make a large purchase with my own money, if I’ve paid bills and it’s my money, I can spend it how I like and vice versa. But I also think it would be strange if either of us bought something expensive without chatting about it first - even conversationally, ‘Oh I’m going to buy a bike, what do you think of this one...?’

No, you're definitely not being unreasonable. DP and I budget ourselves pocket money each month, anything outside of that is discussed. I wonder why he's developing this pushy, almost aggressive, stance now - do you think he may have lost his job?

He’s a child. A PlayStation? What is he? 14?

Comments like this piss me off. The gaming branch of the entertainment industry has pulled in more revenue than every other facet for the past three years and is expanding ever further.

It's not just teenage boys drinking white lightning and playing Fifa, ffs.

We have personal spends money that we don't discuss with each other in terms of joint decisions about spending, rather just oh I've bought X, but we're not struggling to pay our bills, certainly when I was on mat leave we discussed all slightly higher purchases.

He's telling you loud and clear he won't be told what to with 'his' money.

He either doesn't understand or doesn't care about how tight things are. They are two very different things.

Fwiw I'd be livid if DH took on debt for frivolities and incandescent if he spoke to me like that and refused to pull his weight around the house

We each put the same set amount in our personal accounts each month, leaving everything else in the joint account. If the purchase was from the personal money, I wouldn't ask but probably would discuss it with DH. Even just things like what colour/brand, had he read any reviews, just bouncing ideas off. It wouldn't be such a large purchase as either of those however.

Is he spending to avoid thinking about the situation, trying to pretend all is normal?

I'd be annoyed if he took a loan or finance without discussing it. Same as he would me.

The Playstation wouldn't bother me if you had similar spends or savings, but from the bra comment it doesn't sound like you do. How do your finances work?

Ours work where everything goes into one pot and we get the same personal "spends" every month. And they are ours. Not for one of us to spend on the kids, just us. Some people think we have a real finance difference because I go away with friends on a relatively nice break every year and DH does nothing, but he spends (imo) a ridiculous amount of money on takeaway coffees, magazines and subscriptions to all sorts of things he never sticks with. If one of us bought a playstation from that money the other wouldn't comment.

The way he speaks to you isn't on and he should be pitching in

1000s or loan applications would be discussed
My general ebay shopping or football merchandise, I mention it but usually after I bought it

He sounds like a dick

He is treating you horribly. No this isn’t ok at all. We discuss big purchases. Not small ones though. I just buy clothes and shoes for example. If dh wanted a bike, I’d definitely be included in the conversation. We have had a big argument a couple of days ago, where I went ape shit at him for not getting up. This is a difficult time. But what you’re describing is something else.

No, DH was terrible with money when I met him, which obviously was up to him, but even he, once we had joint responsibilities can control himself. He does tend to buy more than I do, but we chat about it first and as long as we have the money it isn't an issue, same as if I wanted something (if it's over a certain amount, we don't discuss buying something small really). If either of us went out and spent hundreds on something it would be unfair, he is being unreasonable.

I would be furious if my DH bought something costing £1000 on finance without discussing it with me first. I would be absolutely gobsmacked if he then defended his actions, shouted at me for questioning him, and planned another £450 purchase even though he knew I didn’t agree.

OP, could you try online counselling? You can’t sit quietly and let this situation get worse.

This is not normal - or how a loving caring partner would behave.
A bike purchase isn't just about the bike, he'll need protective wear which is easily anywhere between 500 -1500 and the money spent getting a license. A console is no good without games.
If he's spending it out of his spending funds (that is equal to what you get for your spending) then fine.
If he's expecting you to be happy while he lets you suffer and scrape and spends on himself, then yeah it's a control thing and you should have a think if that's how you want to be treated and have as a relationship and show your baby that that is a normal relationship.

He sounds like an arse. DH and I have separate accounts so don’t need to discuss personal spending, but we still do for big stuff. I thinking taking on debt at such a precarious time is unacceptable.

We discuss anything over about £50 if it’s coming out the joint account.
If DH got a loan without telling me I’d be furious. If I then discovered it was to buy himself a bike... I’d be in LTB territory.
He’s speaking to you like a piece of shit. You can’t blame that on a suspicion of depression.
I would be confronting him and making my feelings clear. No way would I be responsible for that loan. No way would I be scrimping and saving every penny while he plans to buy a play station.
He’s not on your team OP.

Yes simplysteve I agree. I hate the snobby, dismissive attitude to gaming on here.

OP - in my house we have only one income (mine). The vast majority of money goes into a joint account but we get a reasonably sized amount each month for personal items. Any money we get for birthdays and christmas would also go in our individual accounts. My husband bought a bike from his account and will also buy the ps5. If he didn’t have it there he wouldn’t be able to get either item. He wouldn’t use household funds and neither would I.
We would chat about such purchases but only in a general way.
It’s different if you are struggling- and also there’s no need to spend £1000 on a bike. Think my husbands was £250 and had been recommended by some keen bikers as a solid economy model.

Dp and I are very good at spending money but wouldn't ever take the attitude of your dp.

He's being an absolute arsehole and I'd tell him to sort his attitude out or get the fuck out of the house. If he thinks you're a psycho already, why hold back with telling him what you really think?!

Sorry have just realised you probably meant a motor bike?! X

Some men become abusive during or after pregnancy. It's like they become jealous of the baby.... seems like your OH has this issue and is lashing out by spending money you don't have to try and get some attention and gain control. Be careful op. This might just be the start of a spiral of behaviour...

There’s so many issues here.

He already has been doing nothing around the house so is this new bike an excuse to bugger off even more?

The way he speaks to you is just wrong, rude and disrespectful.

No it’s not ok he spends that much without any conversation and while you’re wearing broken underwear and can’t afford more.

Don’t blame depression on being a rude and unhelpful twat. I would be telling him exactly what I thought of him right now. It’s like he doesn’t want to be part of family life.