Do you discuss personal purchases with partner?

[paperweight1992]

I'm currently on maternity leave and therefore bringing in less money than usual, DH is being underpaid by his boss at the moment and refuses to call him out on it (I feel like this needs a thread in itself to be honest), so we are just scraping on by at the moment. Luckily I'm quite sensible with money so I am making sure we budget each month so we're not going to be caught short but it's a tough time.

Today I've found out that DH has applied for, and been accepted for finance on a bike for around £1,000. He's never shown any interest in bikes or been on a bike ride, so this has completely taken me by surprise. He's told me about it today simply because he's got to go and collect it one of the days next week so I'll find out then. He said his friend has got a bike so he wants one too.

I'm just shocked he hasn't told me to be honest, I wouldn't spend that kind of money without telling him? Especially with the situation we're in financially (also, regarding covid19, my job is safe but his may not be). So when I said have you worked out how we're going to pay the money back he got annoyed and said "you can't tell me what to spend my money on". I was so shocked at how he was being in the end I backed off and left it as he was getting quite annoyed.

Then later on in the day he tells me he's buying a playstation 5 when it comes out and that it's £450 and he doesn't want to hear what I've got to say about it.

I feel like he's completely taking the mick out of me here, I'm budgeting every penny and don't have any treats myself (to the point my only bra has broken and I'm still wearing it!)and he's living this lavish lifestyle putting us in financial strain - for things he certainly doesn't need and probably won't use?

I'm just in a state of shock to be honest and because of how angry he's been with me today I'm wondering am I in the wrong for being annoyed with him about this? He's acting like a child and I don't know why. It's all very out of the blue. He's always had expensive taste but he's been relatively sensible and saved for things he wanted but now he's getting us into debt it's just bizarre.
He just seems so angry all of a sudden and acting really weird and selfish. I wonder if because he's lost control of his wages he's trying to get more control at home or something? It's just insane and unfair in my opinion.

So yeah, I'm wondering if you'd make a big purchase without telling your partner? And I'm wondering if you think I'm out of order for being absolutely flabbergasted at his behaviour?

Honestly there isn’t much we buy without just checking with the other, I bought our dogs new collars yesterday that cost a grand total of £15 but I still text him first! He doesn’t even really care but it’s our money so I like to include him in on purchases (and he adores the dogs and would definitely have sent the collars back if they were nice enough 😂) I would be very hurt and upset if he didn’t even think to mention finance, especially as that’s now an extra monthly outgoing!

Purchases like that should be discussed - especially whilst on mat leave.

If his behaviour has suddenly become like this then it sounds like he’s really not coping and maybe trying to use PlayStation/bike as coping strategies.

If he’s like this all the time then it’s out of order and he shouldn’t talk to you like that!

Thanks all, as advised I've started a new thread. Really appreciate the help xx

I missed your update yesterday and just wanted to say well done and all the best.

My DH "discusses" large purchases with me, often I say I'm not sure if that's essential, or do you think we can afford it, but I know he'll just get it anyway. If I ever mention it, he says we discussed it 🙄.
Now when he mentions something I say you're not asking my opinion, you're just telling me your intention.

abreadsandwich
The thread has moved on somewhat from the original title which was obviously just a symptom of a much worse underlying problem.

Oops sorry I missed a few pages.

My DH and I have a deal that we discuss any purchase over £100. This is the hangover from many years of scraping by financially, but serves us well now we are relatively more comfortable. It stops my DH making the (many!) impulse buys he would otherwise, and sometimes it makes me think twice about whether I really 'need' something.

For what it's worth I'm also thinking of buying a bike, as I would rather not take public transport once all this is over. But a playstation is hardly an essential item! Your DH should have discussed it with you.

Please RTTFT as above.

Try to keep a hold of any messages that he or his family send (screenshot them if necessary) and also a diary of what has happened. Write down a summary of what help (ie none) that he gave in helping with your child. Can you talk to your health visitor for support?

Hi OP

Glad he has gone. He is abusive. He qasnt interested in his daughter before and is threatening to go for 50 50 custody to frighten and control you more. No judge will force such a young baby to spend more than a very small amount of time (hour or so) away from their primary carer so don't worry about that at this stage.

I guess when he realises you are serious about not wanting him back he will try and manipulate you by promising to change and when that doesn't work, getting angry again and getting his family and friends to 'vouch for him' by saying he didnt mean it, he was stressed etc...and then he will get angry and threaten you again. Lots of people are angry and stressed at the moment. My husband is worried he will lose his job, he still does more than his fair share with the kids and house etc and hasn't taken any of it out on me.

And to answer your original question yes, we discuss large purchases of more than say 150 quid even though we can afford it, as it affects the amount we put into savings each month. And we both earn decent money so it's not a case of my money or his or not being able to afford things ita courtesy as it affects shared finances. Asking someone to stop doing something that negatively affects you is normal and assertive, not controlling.

We only have joint savings accounts so anything from there would be discussed but things from our personal accounts (after bills paid) no we probably wouldn't discuss it.

I'd expect us to discuss it during maternity leave when one of us isn't working though and during this situation with CV as it's obviously a risky time for people.