Excluding autistic children from wedding

[DancingHamster]

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

I'm just wondering if there's something special you could promise them instead of going - something else they'd really look forward to?

Shouldn’t that be something special their dad could do for them? Why is OP plugging the gap when he’s the one that can’t be bothered with them. He should be making it up to them.

People saying all or none, it doesn’t sound like ex will be able to look after them by himself, on a practical level.

Two of the dc are prone to bolting and won’t enjoy it.

Sometimes the fair thing isn’t the right thing. I wouldn’t trust him with my kids.

So many people saying the children are the mothers. They're not. They are not property of either parent.
The mother sounds very sensible and is very aware it's not a black or white decision. How sad so many posters don't see this and aren't engaging with subtleties, complexities and nuances of the situation.
It would be a wonderful wedding present to let the ex-h have what he wants. I hope the OP accepts his decision and doesn't get angry or resentful. That serves no purpose.

I think it’s a real pity your NT child is missing out here. It’s reasonable to expect all three children to be taken together in most cases, but not in all of them. I think a wedding celebration abroad is one of those rare cases for the obvious reason that your two SEN children will need additional care and supervision that your ex is not in a position to provide as he’ll be in the middle of his wedding celebration and you won’t be on hand to provide it either. It’s not fair that your NT child should be affected by these circumstances, which really aren’t anyone’s fault, it’s just the way it is. It can’t always be easy being the only NT child in a family. I would factor that into your decision too OP. Good luck with it. It’s not an easy one.

It's a difficult situation but I think it might help to approach it from a view of what's possible before deciding what's right, as what can actually be achieved may rule some options out.

Practically, how would all three attending the celebration work? Would the children (all of them, but especially your youngest and eldest) cope without you for a week or two? It doesn't sound like they spend that long with their father.

Who would be looking after them on the flight in and out? Will they be able to have one-to-one adult supervision as you say is needed? Do you have any thoughts on how they would handle the environment of an airport and plane cabin, if it's a new experience. It sounds like it would be a long flight.

How would they cope with the new environment - the climate, the food, sounds, smells, their beds, the jet-lag? The household is likely to be very busy getting ready for the party, will there be people around who can spend all their time with the children?

On the day itself, given that their father and his new wife will be occupied with speeches, entertaining guests and so forth, who will be looking after the children? Will it be people they know?

What is the cost of flights? Could you afford to go with them, if you wanted to? Would you be able to stay with them?

Of course I don't know your children as well as you do, but to my mind there is a major risk that your youngest and eldest would spend much of the time distressed rather than enjoying their father's celebration.

If that were the case, then is it really kindest to let them go?

It's really not an easy decision and I don't think applying "all-or-none" thinking will be helpful in this instance.

I just can't get past the OP's post saying that the NT 12-year-old child has "caring responsibilities"

@aurynne

Have I missed that? I can’t see OP has said that?

First time poster on Netmums - be patient please if I don't get all the acronyms right! As the single mother of two SEN kids, I know how difficult taking them on holiday can be and I live for the odd weekends I can get away with friends etc. BUT, I don't think I could ever accept the boys' dad choosing to take one without the other (my eldest son is high functioning Aspie), the youngest has GDD and much more complex needs. They come as a package, as far as I'm concerned.

@TriangleBingoBongo - OP said it here

DancingHamster Sun 19-Apr-20 17:32:01
Yeah the NT does have caring responsibilities

She also said prior to that, that the 12yo gets time with young carers.

@DobbinAlong I'm one of those that felt sad for the NT child. It's not about the other 2 kids getting extra/more - it's about the NT child nursing missing out because it's not something the other 2 can participate in (for whatever reason).

I have 3 children. DD1 has SN and goes to special school, DD2 has ASD (high functioning) and DD3 is NT.

We were invited to a family wedding abroad at a time when DD1 had developed some mobility problems and DD2 was half-way through the diagnostic process for ASD.

We all went to the wedding. DD1 had a wheelchair and her iPad. She joined where she could, sat with her iPad when she was overwhelmed, and wedding guests took it in turns (spontaneously) to whizz her round the dancefloor.

DD2 found meeting the other family hard because she was shy, so we agreed that we would shove her aside so she could slip in to the tea room, etc., then we introduced DD1 (who loves everyone!!) and DD3, then just said 'DD2 is shy, just ignore her and she'll talk to you when she's ready'.

DD3 had a generally wonderful time, because she loves meeting new people.

They were all included in a way that was appropriate for them. That means it was different for each of them, but they all felt like they got the 'right' amount of attention/ involvement.

Hmmm - I can half see where he is coming from.. But it’s unfair! I’d think Either they all go or none go!

who would mind the children during the wedding / wedding night etc? Does he have that sorted?

My husbands son lives abroad and he came to us for our wedding - his Mum actually brought him and came to the afters of the wedding - and then she took him off our hands that night (we paid for their flight and hotel)

I was so grateful to my husbands ex for making an effort to come as it really helped us out (we’d have had nobody to look after him)

@DobbinAlong I feel bad for all of the kids - the 2 autistic kids for having a father that for whatever reason can't or won't cope with them at his wedding, and the NT kid for missing out.

I just can't get past the OP's post saying that the NT 12-year-old child has "caring responsibilities" sad Well if your NT 12 year old was playing with his two year old brother while you hung out the washing then he would be “caring” it doesn’t mean he’s raising his sibling! It’s a recognition that his role is not as it is perceived when you look at the age of his sibling. Eg one of my twins often gets out two sets of clothes in the morning because his brother needs help doing that. Social Services call that “caring” we call it “being a family”, though obviously I’m always grateful because it saves me a little time in the morning.

The household is likely to be very busy getting ready for the party, will there be people around who can spend all their time with the children?

On the day itself, given that their father and his new wife will be occupied with speeches, entertaining guests and so forth, who will be looking after the children? Will it be people they know?

This is what I was thinking. I've spent 30 years teaching autistic children and this sounds a recipe for disaster, if they're only going to have their dad looking after them. He's going to be focused on the wedding, and not all the careful preparation and attention that the two boys will need to cope with all the change and stress going on around them. Nor can he be expected to manage them in these circumstances.
I imagine he knows that, and that's why he's not suggesting that they come.

So what you're really saying is not 'he should invite them' it's 'should I let the nt son go?' surely.
And there's no easy answer I'm afraid.

Nor can he be expected to manage them in these circumstances. most parents are expected to “manage” their children at all times. He should do what every other parent does and care for ALL his children.

"I’m not against doing different things for different kids and 1:1 time but not at an important family occasion that’s just second class citizen stuff."

This. It's important that the NT sibling gets to have 1:1 time focused on them, their interests and their capabilities. However, a parents wedding should be inclusive of all three siblings.

I just don't understand what kind of parent wants to exclude 2 of their 3 children from their wedding because they're disabled! It snacks of showing off the 'normal' one and airbrushing the disabled ones out of family history. It's not just the day itself, it's all the photos and memories afterwards that these DC are excluded from as well. It's fucking cold as hell.

Would the NT sibling have a role in the wedding e.g. groomsmen, usher, to rub it in further?

Imagine if a parent wanted to leave one DC out of their wedding because they were a wheelchair user, or had a facial disfigurement. They'd be crucified, and rightly so. What this man is doing is no better - he should have them all or none. Perhaps he could throw a party with the children to celebrate at home?

OP - if he does go ahead with this then I would do nothing to facilitate it. He can tell his DC and explain why. He can organise a passport for NT DC. He can pack NT DC's case, organise suitable clothing and anything else DC needs like suncream and insect repellent spray.

If it falls on his one weekend a month then he can organise suitable childcare for the DC he is leaving behind.

@5zeds Yes, that’s exactly how it is regarding his caring responsibilities! He doesn’t do any major housework or cooking of meals. He mostly helps with getting ready to go out and also because I have a mild lower limb deformity I struggle to run so if the younger one bolts he tends to be the one to retrieve him because he is much faster than I. Also the youngest can be very clingy to him which I do think gets tedious. So we make sure he gets time away each week doing fun hobbies.

Yes, realistically I don’t think it would be possible for the SN children to attend unless I accompanied them. I could not afford to do so, and there is no way he would be willing to pay for me. If I gave him an ultimatum of all of them or none of them he would choose none. He is by his own admission a very selfish person.

It's a shitty position he's put you in. I think if he hasn't already told them about the change of plan, you just downplay it and pass it off - wedding party was cancelled, they're already married after all, and when they went to visit wife's family there was a family party. You strongly discourage him from showing them photos or talking about it. You do not tell NT child they could have gone and you bloody ORDER ex not to tell him.

You mention your current husband in several posts - I'm sure you might have organised much simpler wedding for yourself by excluding your two SN children when you remarried. I'm sure the idea never once entered your mind to do so.

I feel desperately sorry for all three of your children having such s fucking waster for a father. You should protect them from his neglect as much as you can, even if that means NT child thinks you're the bad guy on this one. He sounds a good egg and in the long run he'll take the measure of his selfish shit of a father, favoured child or not.

OP, it’s the reality as apposed to the headline of life with a disabled child in the family. My children (and I) are obviously massively impacted by my sons disability. We love him and he is massively impacted by his siblings. Neither impact is ALWAYS positive. Bind them close with love for each other and acceptance of the positives and negatives of their situation. One being singled out for an international holiday, a place in their fathers wedding, and all the attention that entails seems utterly unhelpful and unkind to everyone.

He’s a disgrace. End of.