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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding autistic children from wedding

248 replies

DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 16:38

My ex-husband and I have three children together, two are autistic, one is not.

Last year my ex got married to his now wife in secret with no guests. Subsequently they decided they wanted a ‘big wedding’. Unfortunately for them said wedding was cancelled due to lockdown. The children were all very sad, they had been looking forward to their fathers wedding and they were excited to be included the wedding party with their smart new clothes. They had even been for new haircuts as the wedding was literally the day after gatherings were banned.

Ex-husband and his wife have now decided that their rescheduled ‘big wedding’ will take place abroad rather than in the UK. Fair enough, his wife is from another country and the wedding will now take place in that country. However, he has said that he will only take our neurotypical child with him leaving the other two behind. I completely understand him not wanting to take the autistic children abroad, they can be challenging at the best of times. But I don’t think it’s fair if he only takes one child to his wedding. The other two will be heartbroken and I’ll be left picking up the pieces.

My Mum thinks it’s a great opportunity for neurotypical child to spend time away from siblings and have 1:1 time with Dad, not to mention the experience of spending time in a different culture. While I don’t disagree that all those things would be wonderful for that child. I feel it’s very unfair on the other two. Especially as they were so disappointed the original wedding had to be cancelled.

If he wants to get married abroad and have none of his children there fair enough. But imo it’s all of them or none of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 19/04/2020 22:36

The question here is simple.

Would you leave any of you children out of YOUR wedding ?

He s meant to be an equal parent .

5zeds · 19/04/2020 22:44

It would be a wonderful wedding present to let the ex-h have what he wants. even if it involves supporting excluding two of his children because they are more work and not as presentable as his NT childShock. What if one child was whit and the other two black? Would it be ok if he was choosing based on race? What if he was choosing by sex? Ffs they need more support, that’s the children he has, he’s utterly horrid.

inwood · 19/04/2020 23:16

The my child shouldn't miss out because the others can't go. You can't compare apples and oranges. What's right for the autistic children doesn't make it right for the nt child.

Original poster
DancingHamster · 19/04/2020 23:18

It would be a wonderful wedding present to let the ex-h have what he wants.

Maybe, but I’m not sure I want to give my ex-husband a wonderful wedding present, or indeed any present Grin

OP posts:
Lockheart · 19/04/2020 23:45

If the realities of the situation dictate that your oldest and youngest wouldn't be able to attend because they wouldn't be able to cope and you can't be there, then surely it comes down to whether your middle child would like to go or not.

If his siblings cannot attend, it's not a value judgement on them (despite how it may be couched by their father...), it's just, unfortunately, how it is.

It seems like even if they had been invited, it would be a non-starter in any case.

Only you will know how your middle DC will take it if they are told they can't attend because their siblings can't go.

Is there perhaps an option 3, in that the middle DC goes, and then once it's all done a smaller celebration is held in the UK in which all of the children can be involved?

Whiskersandtwitch · 19/04/2020 23:51

If your middle child's life is already affected by having 2 siblings with SENS then I think it would be nice for them to have a trip away on their own. I think it is important to not always prioritize the DC with SEN when you also have other children. Do your other 2 DC never do things without your middle child either together or separately?

5zeds · 19/04/2020 23:57

If your middle child's life is already affected by having 2 siblings with SENS then I think it would be nice for them to have a trip away on their own. would you think this if they weren’t disabled?

perfectstorm · 20/04/2020 00:21

@Whiskersandtwitch

If your middle child's life is already affected by having 2 siblings with SENS then I think it would be nice for them to have a trip away on their own. I think it is important to not always prioritize the DC with SEN when you also have other children. Do your other 2 DC never do things without your middle child either together or separately?

I agree with you. What you seem not to grasp is the gulf between "having a trip away on their own" and "being the only one of three children invited to their father's wedding".

The first is fine. The second is absolutely foul.

DollyDoneMore · 20/04/2020 00:33

What a nasty man.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/04/2020 00:56

I don’t think children need to be included in everything a sibling does. I’ve taken different children on different trips because they would get more out of it than a sibling would. My children all love one to one time with a parent in that way and it’s good for them to be away from siblings on occasion.

However as a parent you know the other factors behind this situation and your decision needs to be made on those. If it’s a busy situation and he’s hosting could the reason be he wouldn’t be able to care for them fully?

Original poster
DancingHamster · 20/04/2020 01:06

That’s the thing really. We are not talking about a trip to the cinema or even a few nights away, it’s their Dads wedding and I do think that’s different.

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 20/04/2020 07:48

It is different Hamster. It’s a shame he couldn’t have a small ceremony say in the UK and then have a party abroad or vice versa. One of the biggest issues is he’s now uninvited the ND children. So it’s highlighted that they’ll be excluded in any subsequent trip.

It strikes me that your ND wouldn’t cope and ExH wouldn’t be able to look after them, given they are prone to bolting. It sounds like they’d need 1-1 care. If they would otherwise enjoy it it’s probably not beyond the realms of possibility to arrange that. Many weddings have Nanny’s and this would just be a form of supervision that’s similar.

I don’t agree with PP that the starting point should be it’s all the kids or none of them. Equality isn’t necessarily about equity and each case needs to be looked on based on its own merits. There might be many things the children enjoy together but that shouldn’t stop the ND children having their own activities nor the NT. Even between NT siblings it’s normal for them to have their own strengths and weaknesses. These are amplified between ND siblings but it’s a similar principal.

Dad here has made a massive balls up in his planning and not delivered it very well. So he’s added to any upset. Sounds like all the children have a good understanding and it would have been much better if he actually discussed this with them or atleast OP so they could agree how best to manage the whole thing. He sounds totally thoughtless.

lmcneil003 · 20/04/2020 08:42

@5zeds
It would be a wonderful wedding present to let the ex-h have what he wants. even if it involves supporting excluding two of his children because they are more work and not as presentable as his NT childshock. What if one child was whit and the other two black? Would it be ok if he was choosing based on race? What if he was choosing by sex? Ffs they need more support, that’s the children he has, he’s utterly horrid.

Totally different. It's nothing to do with presentable but what the children can cope with.
The OH is making a hard decision and should be supporting.
The OP should be supported to.

WombatChocolate · 20/04/2020 08:51

Again, your wedding is not the same as any other little trip out. It is a key family event where whole family memories are made...or should be made. Choosing to have it in a way which doesn't suit all his children means they are excluded from that crucial stage in the family journey.

Fine, to take 1 child on a lovely day out or even a holiday without the others. Not fine to arrange something like a wedding in a way that they cannot attend.

As someone said upthread, if you have children wi particular SEN you find ways as a family to celebrate the big events which work for the family. They might be slightly different to those other families choose, but they are for YOUR FAMILY.

5zeds · 20/04/2020 08:55

It's nothing to do with presentable but what the children can cope with. bollocks. It’s to do with how much effort you are willing to put in to accommodate disability. One of the single most sickening responses to disability is the wrapping up of exclusion as “for the benefit of the disabled person”. These children stay with their father and his new wife so can cope with that, they were ready and able to attend the cancelled wedding party so can cope with that.... of course the Dad is choosing to exclude them. None of it is for the children.

WhizzingFizzbee · 20/04/2020 08:56

I think your NT child should be able to go. If the wedding abroad is not suitable for your autistic children then it’s a shame that your NT child should miss out because of them. To miss your dad’s wedding is a big deal. If your other children were NT but broke their leg and couldn’t attend i still wouldn’t deprive the others of attending.

5zeds · 20/04/2020 08:58

It isn’t a broken leg. Injury is not the same as disability. This is who they are not a hiccup in their lives.

Snowdown24 · 20/04/2020 09:04

He wouldn’t be able to care for the two whilst getting married. It would be too stressful and unrealistic.

I would let the NT Child go.

5zeds · 20/04/2020 09:05

He was going to have all his children at the previously arranged celebration, so presumably isn’t incapable of organising adequate supervision. What on Earth do you think OP does when she goes to a party?

copycopypaste · 20/04/2020 09:11

So if this does happen will he be taking the other two dc away separately to ensure no ones left out? I doubt it... it would be a big fat no from me I'm afraid

Superdooper29 · 20/04/2020 09:20

Really hard situation.

I have two with autism.

as an asd parent I can totally understand why your ex husband wouldn’t want to take them abroad..

But then I totally understand your frustration.

If you NT child went then your asd children would feel left out - which is sad.

But then if your NT child misses out because of their siblings then this is also sad.

This probably isn’t much help but I would just like to say as an asd parent I do this. You feel like you can’t win either way 😭

If your Nt child went abroad are you in a financial situation to take your asd children on holiday at the same time? Even just a caravan holiday or something? So they have something to look forward to as well! Or a special day out!

Nottherealslimshady · 20/04/2020 09:25

I think you should let NT child go. Although you day you work hard so everyone has fun, which I have no doubt about, there will be things your child wants to do but cant because of his brothers surely? Things like theme parks, arcades, travel abroad, impulse trips.
The alternative is that NT child cant go because his brothers cant go, that could cause a bit of resentment.
Your autistic children wont enjoy it and it sounds like to make it work, there would have to be loads of planning and drafting in other adult supervisors. The whole wedding would become about your two boys and not the couple.

I think you should ask husband to do one on one activities with the other two at some point, then it's not "your brother is going here but you're not allowed" its "you're all doing something special with your dad, this is what you're doing, your brother is doing something different"

5zeds · 20/04/2020 09:28

The autistic children can go to a wedding and enjoy it, that was the original plan. It’s too much work to include them is just shitty.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/04/2020 09:29

Also, I have autism. Your boys do need to learn to accept that they'll get left out I things. They wont be able to do things that NTs can. Thats life with autism, it can suck and ot can feel unfair but no one has to adjust their social life to include someone else. In my experiences from the autisitcs I've met and myself, autisitcs that have life adjusted to them dont do as well as autistics that are helped to adjust themselves and their responses.

Bartlet · 20/04/2020 09:33

Another aspect to consider is that you ex will probably tell your NT child that you prevented him attending. There is nothing you can do to prevent him telling the kids that you banned him from attending. How will that affect your relationship now and in the future?

So many posters here are approaching it from the position that you as mother are the sole arbiter on what the kids can and should do. He may be a crap father but he also has the same rights and responsibilities as you. Even if he does things that you don’t agree with (and on the face of it are unfair).