How to respond to someone calling my DD horrible for not wanting to FaceTime?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

DD, 7, is popular but quite reserved at the same time. She's had her classmates and also her cousins wanting to FaceTime her a lot during lockdown and a lot of the time she hasn't been in the mood and said no.

Anyway one of her friends FaceTimed my iPad today for her. I was in the house (she was in the garden) so didn't hear it and she said she only answered because they rang 10 times (I checked, this is true). She answered and said she didn't want to talk to them and was busy, then hung up. Her friend has been in tears and her mum messaged me saying my DD is horrible and and has made her DC heartbroken.

I haven't responded and haven't spoken to DD as I do feel she shouldn't be made to speak to people she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

I can’t understand why the kid is allowed to call whenever. My kids can’t do this and non of their friends do. If they wanted to I’d pre arrange it with their friends’ parents. My eldest is ten never-mind seven. The other parent shouldn’t allow her child to call you. I only FaceTime if agreed in advance too. I don’t even like phone calls these days. Although I try to be nice as I’m old enough to know better ;) it’s a lesson for them both and I’m sure they can navigate this once back at school.

The mother was being unreasonable to call a 7 year old horrible!

The child was rude to ring 10 times BUT I blame the parents for this. Parents need to teach their young children that this kind of harassment is not at all acceptable. 7 years old is plenty old to teach kids not to be annoying like this. It is rude. So as I've said, the ringing 10 times is down to bad parenting in my opinion. Parents need to teach kids life skills like this.

Your daughter was BLUNT 😂🙈 I kind of admire it! BUT I also think you need to teach your child how to handle these situations moving forward. At the end of the day, the other child had her feelings hurt too.

I think a good excuse to give the other mother for now is that you have trained your daughter to not answer any phone call without you present. And when your daughter did answer it, she panicked because she knew she "wasn't allowed" on the phone, so she made up an "excuse", so she wouldn't get given out to by you. I think this excuse is good to stop the girls having upset feelings. The other mother can go tell her daughter that your dd did want to talk to her, but her mom (you) wouldn't allow it without permission. therefore she was just worried she would get in trouble. I think the other dd will accept this excuse, and won't feel hurt anymore!

Moving forward, both parents should use this situation as a good learning tool. Also, I think it is a good idea to actually use the rule of "only allowing phone calls with your permission". You and other parents should arrange these play date calls from now on! 7 is too young to have free reign of phone calls! It causes situations like this!

All the best moving forward. I'm sure it will all blow over

Just saw your update about not wanting to teach your daughter to lie etc. just to please other people.

I actually agree with this, but I think since the damage was done this time, you could still use the excuse with the mother, so she can comfort her daughter, but then you don't need to tell your daughter you told this white lie.

The other mum allowed her child to call 10 times. Yeah on the face of it OP’s daughter was rude but if someone called me, on FaceTime or otherwise, I probably wouldn’t be sweetness and light to them when I did answer. That said, I’d get my child to apologise to her friend. But I would tell the child’s mother that calling 10 times, one after the other because they didn’t get an answer is not ok. Next time message first to make sure it’s a convenient time.

She is 7! It is not rude to say you dont feel like talking. Dont spend too much time over thinking this. She is within her rights to not talk to someone, she is not there to please other people.

Events like these are why there is thread after thread on MN of grown women unable to assert themselves in everyday life. It's not rude to say you don't want to do something. It's ok to say no. Ringing 10 times is unacceptable but forgivable due to their age. As pp have said theyre still learning.

Your daughter has every right not to face time if she doesn't want to. But she needs to tell the friend that she doesn't want to and talk on the phone instead. She is not horrible and should not have been called that.

But she needs to tell the friend that she doesn't want to and talk on the phone instead.
Why should she have to talk on the phone? That’s exactly the same problem.

Do not teach a 7 year old how to 'white lie' what a ridiculous, unnecessary suggestion.

It's crucial that your daughter and her friends learn to accept that they can't always all be available. Your daughter needs to be able to say 'sorry I can't talk right now' and her friend needs to accept that. Incoming video calls can feel peculiarly invasive - I personally almost never pick up a video call, and find them annoying. (Maybe if I always looked like Brigitte Bardot at 18 I would though 😀)

My daughter and her friends have that arrangement. But they are 12. 7 is v going to be pressured by this and the mother is horrible. I'd teach your daughter to not reply if she doesn't want to talk. Feels bad but better than the blunt truth!! ☺️

I feel for you - whilst your DDs reply was yes, too blunt - she won’t understand that yet, just that she was getting upset, wanted her friend to stop. Yes it’s great opportunity to teach her about what she should have done/what to do next time, but I don’t think she was ‘horrible’ and I wouldn’t be happy at other mum’s messages either.

We have had similar, one girl calling my DD(7) over and over and over whilst DD is already talking to someone else; the calls were so request she couldn’t even fully text a reply in between to explain she was already on a call. DD ended up getting very upset and asking other girl to stop calling her - when I read the messages back I winced at their bluntness. I texted her mum to apologise for rudeness and she apologised for her DDs continued calling (there was no animosity between us even to start with). I talked to DD about what would be best to do/say, which was basically to come and tell me if it happened again and either I would pick up and tell other girl DD was busy or I would message her mum. These are v odd times and whoever said up thread about kids this age not usually being allowed so much tech freedom is absolutely correct, it stands to reason they don’t know how to handle it yet.

The friends mother was out of order saying that about her but your daughter didn’t really handle it right .
Just a quick text to say “I don’t really like FaceTime but happy to text or talk on the phone normally” would have sufficed

I actually love your daughters honesty! She didn't want to talk so she simply said she didn't want to talk.

Perhaps say to the other mum that your sorry if her daughters feelings were hurt, you've talked to your daughter about more tactful ways of getting her message across. But also your daughter felt a little pressured and harassed with the 10 missed call and that that isn't really appropriate behaviour, for her to hound your daughter while she's at home with the family.

The other mother sounds awful-what an overreaction.

Your daughter was blunt & I'm sure wouldn't have intentionally wanted to upset her friend.

Which is what the friend should have been told.

That & to leave the fucking FT alone as no one was answering!

after a slight disagreement or cross wires i dont thin its right that any m oother should call another young child horrible.it should take alot for a child to be called this.

Also in current situation kids need to learn not to tie up phone lines and devices by constantly calling them. I was giving a music lesson by zoom to a lad who was using his mums ipad and his older sisters friend was repeatedly attempting to facetime her friend via the mum despite the poor lad constantly rejecting the call. Fucking annoying and disruptive.

Other kid has learnt a valuable lesson if you ask me. If someone isn't answering, don't keep pestering!

Your child is 7!!!! 7. Not 14. 7! Of course she's not going to know how to finessely cut someone off. My kids speak to their friends on the iPad. They are the same age. And sometimes they say. Really sorry. But I've got to go now etc. They don't have the social skills to realise that they can ignore a ringing iPad. Plus the girl phoned her 10 times!! 10. That's incredibly annoying. My mil like to ring my dd. She ring 4 times. It comes through my watch. My phone. I usually cut her off if I'm on the phone etc.

Maybe if girls weren't taught to be such people pleasers, putting their needs below other people's wants all the time... There wouldn't be so many threads on here with women in an awkward situation because their boyfriends, in laws, neighbours are taking the piss with healthy boundaries.

The other mum was ridiculous. She should have been apologising to you for the crap boundaries being taught and enforced with her own daughter.

I'm happy to video call personally but can totally understand why someone, even adults, don't want to.. it's like an unscheduled intimate look without warning about what you're doing/where you are, it feels invasive, and I quite like video chats if I'm in the mood.

I wish we all took a leaf out of your daughter's book, she sounds like she's going to not let others push her around in a way I've had to learn over decades of being a doormat.

Yes, absolutely agree with the above post from Texan. Haven't RTFT but for a site where there are frequent posts about CFs that are responded to with 'why are you being so passive, why can't you stand up for yourself, just tell her NO' etc, this has baffled me. How can so many people think a 7 year old was rude for telling someone she didn't want to speak to them after they'd called TEN times, when on other threads 'no is a complete sentence' is the go to advice?

I totally get what you're saying about girls being expected to be polite while boys aren't, but in my opinion it's boys that need to be held more to the standard that girls are, rather than the other way around.

She needs to understand that she doesn't have to feel pressured into doing things, that is of course very important, but I don't think the teaching should stop there. She needs to learn to recognise the difference between when someone is maliciously pushing her into something, and deserves a blunt rebuff, and when they are just trying to be nice, in which case she is still entitled to say no, but is being unkind by not trying to say it in a way that isn't hurtful. She is young and that kind of empathy will be new to her, but she is getting to the age where it is a worthwhile skill to focus on. She needs to start learning it is unkind to be so abrupt to someone who is just being nice to her.

(I should say that similarly, the other child needs to start to learn to respect people's space, and not call so many times, but this is about your daughter so that is seperate)

I also noticed this:

I'm also a bit reluctant to tell her she has to do things she doesn't like out of politeness

I think this is a similar issue - it's possible to be too black and white in this regard. Broadly it's a positive lesson, but actually, doing things you don't particularly want to do is a natural part of life. She needs to know that she should never feel forced to do things she is uncomfortable doing, but friendship is give and take, you need to be open to doing things both that you enjoy and that the other person enjoys, and too many "no I don't want to do that so I won't" can become quite antisocial and self absorbed. Also, we all have to do things we don't want to do - school, work, chores, and a strong, simplistic message of "you shouldn't have to do things you don't want to do" doesn't really equip children to become functioning members of society.

It's a minefield, I realise, but my point is that I don't think you need to avoid ever inferring to your daughter that she should learn to think of people's feelings and reject them politely, or consider doing something she doesn't actively want to do, because whilst there are instances where people may take advantage of her and she needs to be equipped to be assertive, a majority of the time these will be perfectly innocent social interactions with people who deserve politeness, and she needs to learn the difference.

I think making 10 unsuccessful calls was ‘rude’ if we must use that word. If that happened to me I would be abrupt with the caller. I think the OP’s daughter was perfectly right to be abrupt too.

Telling girls from a young age to put their feeling aside and not show them, despite provocation, is why we see so many women accept crap from others.

I wonder if this was about boys, would there be a call from the other mother saying what she did?

Actually your dd should move to San Francisco. A child from there moved into the neighbourhood and plays with my dd sometimes. They both 10. She’s very direct clear and polite but assertive. It’s very refreshing after all the English waffle to hear a child politely but firmly saying what she does or doesn’t want. It’s quite shocking at first and the difference between her and her English peers is marked. Actually I prefer their approach.

She’s 7 not rude. She’s a child who haven’t perfected her social skills yet. Yes she could of been politer but she’s a little girl. I would be more concerned about the other mum calling a little girl horrible.

YANBU

I am firmly in the camp of not having to face time or answer a phone if I dont want to, I dont have to be busy It can just be that I dont want to speak at that particular time. I find it amazing how many people let technology and phones take over their lives. You only had to look around at a restaurant (in the good old days) and see so many people on technology rather than engaging with the people sat at the table with them.

What nonsense some posters are spouting to say that a 7 year old needs to nurture her friendships this way. I think if more of us acted like this 7 year old and said no to constant technology interference it would make many people much happier.