How to respond to someone calling my DD horrible for not wanting to FaceTime?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

DD, 7, is popular but quite reserved at the same time. She's had her classmates and also her cousins wanting to FaceTime her a lot during lockdown and a lot of the time she hasn't been in the mood and said no.

Anyway one of her friends FaceTimed my iPad today for her. I was in the house (she was in the garden) so didn't hear it and she said she only answered because they rang 10 times (I checked, this is true). She answered and said she didn't want to talk to them and was busy, then hung up. Her friend has been in tears and her mum messaged me saying my DD is horrible and and has made her DC heartbroken.

I haven't responded and haven't spoken to DD as I do feel she shouldn't be made to speak to people she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

Well ringing constantly is rude too - they are both in the wrong but they are only 7! Ridiculous of the mother to say that, if “horrible” is the word she used.

I never used to get involved in my child's falling out with others. Not that it happened often anyway but...

See the mum here has been a bit of a knob calling your child horrible - 10 missed calls?? Fucking hell. I'd go back with the words "harassing" or "stalker" and before you know it the kids would be besties again and me and the other mum would be giving each other daggers at the school gates .

I don’t think your daughter is horrible and is still quite young for video calls and being tactful. I’m comparing her reaction to how I know my 6yo would react.

I agree you should use this opportunity to teach her about being polite in saying no but the other mother is bonkers. She should definitely know that her daughter rang 10 times and that’s not on either.

I hardly think she'll lose all her friends over 1 incident with 1 friend 🙄 there's a class WhatsApp I've turned down quite a few offers of group calls because she didn't want to do them. I didn't think that anyone would fall out with her forever over it though

Your DD was quite unkind.

Your daughter was a bit rude but she's 7 and still learning. As for the mum, if she genuinely called your DD horrible, I'd have a few choice words for her. I'd also tell her she needs to have a word with her daughter about not calling the same person ten times in a row and that you'll have a word with yours about ending a call a bit more kindly

I've just said to her that although she's a kind person it wasn't very kind to speak to [X] like that and she's a bit upset now, and next time find me rather than answering. She's sulked a bit but has said OK sorry. I'm leaving it at that with her.

I would reply to the mother that you have spoken to your daughter about Joe she speaks to people. Also tell her your daughter feels uncomfortable using facetime and also wont answer if she is occupied. Also ask her to tell her daughter that timing 10 times in a row, isnt ok.

But you do need to speak to your daughter. That was really rude.

Ah cross post

DD was mildly rude, but a) she's seven, b) I totally get not wanting to use FaceTime (I struggle with it, and Zoom and all the rest, and I'm 45...) and c) where does the mum get off calling a 7-year-old 'horrible'? I'd tell her on her bike.

Wow your daughter was rude. Tell her it's okay not to talk to people but better not to answer the ipad. You can reduce the volume of incoming calls on it. If she does answer it then just make small talk for 5 minutes before pretending that she has to go now because its lunch/dinner/family time/shes having a bath/washing her hair/taking the dog for a walk. This is what I've taught my kids to do. to say, " I dont want to talk to you, I'm busy!"..is so rude and there is no need.

Use the lockdown to teach your daughter about polite ways of telling people she doesn’t want to talk. Maybe also prepare her for the possibility that she won’t have any friends left when she goes back to school.

It's a rude to FaceTime someone 10 times then tell tales to your Mother. It's also rude to call someone else's child horrible because your child is upset.

OP tell your DC she's fine to ignore FaceTime calls if she's not in the mood.

Involving other parents over something so petty is just pathetic.

I can se3 both sides here.

My DD9 is missing her friends a lot. She messaged them yesterday & the day before asking if anyone wanted to FaceTime. They all said no. No reason, just no.

She was heartbroken & I really wanted to contact a parent or two to ask if we could arrange something for them. I didn’t though.

She didn’t pester with lots of messages though. She finally got hold of one of her friends & she seems much better now.

Seeing friends means much more to sone than to others.

I'd tell the mother you have spoken to DD and she understands she was rude, however it's a 2 way thing and that she also needs to address it with her daughter that calling someone 10 times when they are not answering is also unacceptable and that there is responsibility on both of them. I'd also suggest that in future calls be arranged in advance through you to avoid any further problems.

As long as your DD wasn’t rude to the girl than it’s fine, no one should be forced into contact they don’t want!

I would be fuming with the mother tho, I would message back saying, you’re busy having family time and calling 10 times in a row is not appropriate, however if the girls want to chat you could prearrange a time convenient to both.

Well they are 7yr old kids and still learning ta tact and diplomacy.

The girls mum though is not 7 years old and is very out of order for messaging you and saying your DD is horrible.

I would speak to DD and explain best not to answer the call if she doesn’t want to talk. And remind her that it’s nice to keep in touch with people and that she has friends that care about her.

I would reply to the mum and say you weren't aware of the calls until afterwards as you were busy yourself but that your DD is very shy with FaceTime and ten calls in a row from her DD was a bit too much pressure but apologies if she was rude to her DD. And perhaps it’s best in future if these things are pre arranged and agreed in future.

I'm sure your DD didn't mean any harm but I can see why her friend was upset - I'd have been hurt at that age (or any age) if my friend had done that. I'd reply to the mum and explain that DD was just really busy and isn't keen on talking on facetime much. Maybe arrange a separate time they can chat?

The answer is you dont. It took me until my mid twenties to finally realise that just because someone rings you doesnt mean you have to answer it. These 7 year olds are using technology that is too old for them hence they both cant cope emotionally with the niceties around them. My 7 year refuses to contact any of his friends at the moment. Any contact should be arranged between parents if at all. These are 7 year olds and should be treated as such.

I'd say there was a need to be a bit rude. Friend had called 10 times - that is intrusive and their mother allowed them to continually harass another person.

They both need a chat. Op's dd needs to learn to let people down more gently and the other child needs to not be a pest.

The other mother over reacted though and shouldn't have called your DD names.

Is this a good friend? Is it someone she would want to continue to be friends with after this is over?
I'd talk about understanding that there is a level of give and take plus kindness needed in relationships. She is young though..

Reply to parent :Im sorry your daughter is upset. XXX says only answered as she had rang 10 times... It really wasn't a good time for her to talk as she was feeling overwhelmed and struggling... I think she felt obliged to answer as so many calls but perhaps better didn't answer. Thanks for letting me know I've chatted to her about it. Being 7 in a lock down is hard for them both. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon. Stay safe...

Beautful see I don't want to teach them to do that (make up an excuse) because I'm trying to teach them about not lying, and that to me is just another form of lying. I'm also a bit reluctant to tell her she has to do things she doesn't like doing out of politeness. Although admittedly "I don't want to talk" is a bit too far the other way 🙄 need it to be somewhere in between

Ignoring calls from friends is ok, although she might find at that age that friendship groups realign and shift during lockdown and this will be affected by who befriends who over FaceTime if I’m honest. 7 year old girls are fickle friends.

Answering the way she did and hanging up is rude and I’m not surprised her friend was upset. Teach her to ignore the calls, silence them or to be polite.

My god it’s mad grown women all labelling a 7 year old rude just because she didn’t want to chat! Maybe she didn’t feel like it maybe she’s not massively social... that’s okay... if she were a boy there wouldn’t be half this drama or discussion it’s really sad the way girls are conditioned from such a young age to please and please and please others. If she doesn’t want to chat to her friends she doesn’t want to chat let her do her. That other mother totally over the top

Your daughter was 'horrible' in the sense that she was unkind, but you don't seem to want to hear that. Your daughter is clearly not old enough or mature enough to receive calls unsupervised. Similarly, the other child is not nature enough to make calls unsupervised (presumably as they made so many calls). As for moving forward personally I would say something like 'so sorry your daughter was upset, I have spoken to my daughter about being unkind. She will no longer be allowed to take calls on the iPad without my supervision to ensure this doesn't happen again. When taking to my daughter about why she behaved this way she told me she was annoyed because your daughter called 10 times. I've checked the call log and this does seem to be the case. Would you mind asking your daughter to do this. We will call back when we are free if we have a missed call. Gosh, isn't it hard for the kids to navigate social etiquette using technology!'