How to respond to someone calling my DD horrible for not wanting to FaceTime?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

DD, 7, is popular but quite reserved at the same time. She's had her classmates and also her cousins wanting to FaceTime her a lot during lockdown and a lot of the time she hasn't been in the mood and said no.

Anyway one of her friends FaceTimed my iPad today for her. I was in the house (she was in the garden) so didn't hear it and she said she only answered because they rang 10 times (I checked, this is true). She answered and said she didn't want to talk to them and was busy, then hung up. Her friend has been in tears and her mum messaged me saying my DD is horrible and and has made her DC heartbroken.

I haven't responded and haven't spoken to DD as I do feel she shouldn't be made to speak to people she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

My DS’s friend wants to face time with him for hours but he can’t really be arsed. He made her a nice card though and popped it thru the letter box when we were out on daily walk. Could be a compromise?

She is rude. It's your ipad, she could have just ignored it. Telling someone you don't what to speak to them might be honest but it's totally tactless and rude.

@lottiegarbanzo some summers I want to my grandparents 3 hours away for the whole six weeks, in both primary and secondary, and didn't stay in touch with friends as some of them didn't even have land lines in the 80's/90's. Still managed to have them when I went back to school in September.

I'm wondering what kind of children people are raising in that they'd fall out with 7yo friends who didn't keep in touch in the holidays. Are people really teaching their kids to be that self centered?

Not that this girl is necessarily the right one to be expending effort upon.

Sorry it was just a joke about the urgent potato printing for what it's worth, i hate facetime too and hate being ambushed by it. Hope your dd is okay

She's honestly a lovely kid lottie (the other girl). The low level bullying was just one of those things where it could have been anyone saying it to any other child (small class of just 11 so they're always in each other's pockets). I never liked the mum though - I hope this isn't see as a drip feed but her DH is my colleague and we get on really well, but of a gang of us at work who have lunch together mix of males and females. I'm a single mum and therefore apparently not to be trusted with other people's husbands apparently, she's been a bit of a dick towards me for a while now!

Aw I don’t think she meant to be rude. She’s used to being with her friends at certain times, not having her home time interrupted and being made to perform on the spot. She probably felt quite anxious if it kept ringing and ringing which is why she responded as she did. Facetime is not like normal socialising, you are more acutely aware of yourself and you feel like you have to talk constantly, which is hard if you’re a little shy and/or don’t have much to talk about as none of us do now!! Just be honest with the other parent, tell them your daughter isn’t massively comfortable with face time and ask her to help you find a way around it. Perhaps sending drawings through the post to each other would work better. Or maybe you could use Facebook messenger as it has lots of funny faces you can try and games too - your daughter might find that funny. Go easy on her, it’s strange for children to have to embrace all these new things quickly and she would benefit from understanding and guidance which is sounds like you are giving her x

It's not a question of falling out. It's just 'out of sight, out of mind'. Life moves on. The people you're with as life is happening, move with you. You have more shared experience in common with them. It's just natural that you're likely to be closer to people you spend more time with.

Yes, at seven, lots of children will spend holidays with family and do less with friends. This isn't a holiday though.

I hope children will be able to pick up where they left off when schools go back. I'm not sure it's that simple though.

I can't believe the other Mum said that! Explain to your dad about being kind/polite even when she doesn't want to do something but that's it. No guilt trip or anything

Dd

beginning to feel from this thread that the feelings of a 7yo are completely irrelevant

Personally I wouldn't sweat it, OP. Painful an observation though it is, certain elements of this site seem to have gone completely batshit at the moment.

Fwiw of my 16yo twins the one that cherishes a lot of time to herself and is quite blunt (she’s rarely rude, and is always picked up on it if she is) about what she likes and dislikes, what she’ll compromise on and won’t (for example she simply won’t do ice skating no matter who asks, but will go to the climbing wall occasionally because her best mate enjoys it) seems to be more popular friendship wise than her sister. I think the other kids actually liked the fact that the know exactly where they stand with her.

Her sister is an absolute people pleaser and sometimes what she does never seems enough for some.

So I wouldn’t be worrying about a dislike of FT

I wouldn't worry too much about it, although the Mum was out of order for calling your DD horrible. Your DD is only 7, so a little chat re. being pleasant should suffice.

I also find impromptu Facetiming intrusive, as do not always want to talk on camera exactly when the caller wants to. I'm a busy Mum who needs both of my hands free to continue to multitask and get on with whatever I was doing b4 the FaceTime call came in. Not everyone enjoys being ambushed by video calls without any notice and/or consent. I ignore the FaceTime call and then call back the person saying I can't FaceTime right now as I need my hands free. Or I send them a message saying I'm busy and suggest an alternative time.

People who expect non urgent text responses as soon as they have sent them to you also need to get a grip.
The increasing amount of social impromptu Zoom meeting & House Party requests that involve massive groups of people since lockdown are also becoming tiring.

I forgot to add that my two DC (5 & 9) were also in the paddling pool this afternoon. They both would've refused to join in a FaceTime call, as they were too busy having fun!

Your daughter isn't horrible at all She's only 7 years old, bless her.
Ten calls is an invasion, and I don't blame her for not playing along with it.

Badly managed by the other mum. She should have explained to her daughter that your dd must have been wanting some privacy and didn’t feel like talking. Unfair to label a 7 year old horrible and then contact you and say your daughter was horrible.

I would just ignore this occasion but just continue helping your daughter in the future manage social situations with more respect, as I’m sure you would anyway!

I am having similar problems with Facetime and my DD who is 8. She has stuff she wants to do like play with her Guinea pigs, water fight with her brother, she always has projects like sewing outfits for her Sylvanian families. She does like her brother's company even though he is 4 years older. It is difficult as she is like me and to some extent never bored with her own company, a bit introverted. I feel like the technology is too mature for them at this age and it is starting to feel like surveillance of your family life. When the children were at school there was no need for facetime and once you were home you could close the door and enjoy the privacy of your own home. Now, everyone knows you are pretty much at home so if they call there is an expectation you will answer!

I have been contacted by a Mum about it and to be honest I don't have time to get involved. I am trying to work and teach my DC, I don't want to or have no time to micromanage these situations.

Your daughter was too abrupt but tbh, if someone rang me 10 times I'd answer and tell them I didn't want to speak.

Ffs, 10 times?! That's borderline harassment!

Your daughter was rude and hurtful .

Put it on silent take the pressure off her, My DD was very blunt at that age, she still can be if I'd tell her off she'd say she was only being honest.
I'm extra polite so she didnt get it from me. All this facetime is OTT though I hate it so I'm miserable to home invasion.

Just me that's a bit at the idea of 7 year old children having free rein to FaceTime?

Honestly OP I think the mum in this situation would be better placed supervising her child. I would tel her that too.

Your daughter has no obligation to face time and while she was blunt she was not saying anything untrue. The other girl’s mum is making way too much of this and I can’t believe she’s gotten involved in this. We don’t have control over people. This would’ve been the time to explain this to her daughter.

FWIW a lot of children (and adults) aren’t interested in FaceTime. I think your daughter could’ve been more tactful and you could talk to her about that but she didn’t do anything wrong!

I don’t think your daughter was rude. The other child needs to be taught about taking hints and boundaries.
People on here are so harsh!