How to respond to someone calling my DD horrible for not wanting to FaceTime?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

DD, 7, is popular but quite reserved at the same time. She's had her classmates and also her cousins wanting to FaceTime her a lot during lockdown and a lot of the time she hasn't been in the mood and said no.

Anyway one of her friends FaceTimed my iPad today for her. I was in the house (she was in the garden) so didn't hear it and she said she only answered because they rang 10 times (I checked, this is true). She answered and said she didn't want to talk to them and was busy, then hung up. Her friend has been in tears and her mum messaged me saying my DD is horrible and and has made her DC heartbroken.

I haven't responded and haven't spoken to DD as I do feel she shouldn't be made to speak to people she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

Your daughter was rude!

Can she phone them instead? Pre plan times to chat?

It seems quite sad that If friends are reaching out to keep in touch she is pushing them away.

Tell her not to answer the ipad if she doesn’t want to talk- and put it on silent if needed.

well i would tell her she was rude for a start, she should've ignored it if she didnt want to talk.

I think you have to teach her how to politely rebuff somebody. It sounds like she was quite blunt and has now hurt the feelings of her friend who, is, after all, just a child herself. At 7 the friend is still learning that you don’t call someone 10 times to get an answer and your DD is learning that if someone is calling when you don’t want to speak to them it’s polite to either message them to explain that you aren’t able to talk at the minute or to make a polite excuse. They’ll get there.

She doesn't have to speak to people if she doesn't want to, but you maybe need to take to her about phrasing that in a polite and non-hurtful way.

Answering, saying I don't want to talk to you and then hanging up is rude and unpleasant. Obviously she's only 7, but maybe now's the time to talk about white lies and how we use them to save people's feelings.

She needs to not answer if she doesn't want to talk to them. If she's feeling the pressure because they keep calling, turn the iPad off and put it away. If she doesn't answer she needs to be polite about turning down the conversation.

My own DD is also seven. We've been doing a fair few video calls to connect with friends, but only through my devices, and where I've arranged things with the relevant parent in advance. This seems to be the norm for DD's friends. I don't think I can make any helpful suggestions about the particular friend above, but would it help if you mediated all calls? Then you can only hand over the phone if your DD is happy. My own DD knows that she is absolutely not to answer a call, but to find me if the phone is ringing.

Elmer I heard her say she didn't want to talk and was busy, and asked why she didn't just ignore it - she said the ringing was annoying her.

She's fine on the phone but finds FaceTime "weird" (with her in that one) but it seems to be how they all contact each other these days!

Your daughter was quite right!
I’d text the mother back & say that her angel phoned 10 times and your daughter felt harassed!

Oh that mum needs to get a grip

Of course children feel overwhelmed by these demands, so do adults. I think a 7 year old should be forgiven if she was a bit brusque.

Is there a reason she doesn't want to talk to them? If would be sad if she looses her friends when this is over just because she can't be bothered to talk to them.

SINBU to not want to FaceTime everyone all the time

She may be BU depending on how she spoke to the friend. But friend was also BU to call 10 times!

I would try and help her come up with a polite way to say she can’t talk right now. She could blame you and claim you don’t want her on the iPad at the moment, which might avoid friends feelings being hurt.

But the mum of the friend should also encourage her daughter not to call someone repeatedly if they don’t answer. If they’re not answering they’re clearly busy so just do something else.

Oh and maybe have a talk about abrupt/ brusqueness.

I agree that your daughter was rude and I'm not surprised the friend was upset.

Rightly, she doesn't have to speak to people if she doesn't want to but there are ways of wording things and also she didn't have to answer.
It is annoying if doing something on the iPad and a call keeps interrupting but she didn't need to be rude.

@GlummyMcGlummerson definitely tell her to put it on silent if it’s ringing and she doesn’t want to answer then. Or put it away?

The friends mum needs to get a grip. Calling a 7 year old horrible?

If your daughter doesn't want to answer she doesn't have to, or learn to politely say I'm-busy or will call back if she does.
But the other child should be taught not to keep ringing if no answer. That's pretty rude.

They sound too young to be FaceTiming/calling/whatever if they are falling out over it.

Your daughter should not be harrassed into doing anything that she doesn't want to do. That message needs to be made clear to the child and her parent too. Your daughter is strong and brave for standing her ground and being true to herself.

Well, she has hurt her friend's feelings by being rude, not by not wanting to talk.

(I don’t think your DD was ‘horrible’ at all, but I do think there are ways to stop this happening again- she shouldn’t answer if she doesn’t want to talk, and maybe remove ‘control’ of the device from her- put it away and arrange calls with her friend’s parents).

She's not quite what I'd call an introvert, but she prefers to stay at home rather than go out and never much asks about friends when it's the school holidays like a lot of the others do - her best friend is her little brother.

I'll have a word and tell her about being kind and not so blunt 😬 or just to come and get me if it's ringing (though she knew it was for her ).

Not quite sure what to say to the mother though - I really don't think my daughter is horrible.

Ooh, that would have upset my dd too if she’d FaceTimed a friend and they rebuffed her like that. Is she normally that blunt with people?

I’d message an apology back to the mum and say that she didn’t mean to be horrible but struggles with FaceTime (if that is what the issue is). I’d imagine the other girl’s confidence has taken a knock.

The iPad was only outside and on loud as I'd been watching You (with my headphones) while they paddled in the pool. It's how they usually contact each other.

Your DD was very rude to say that. She needs to either message the other person to say she’s busy and will call later or she ignores the call. Also, facetime is here to stay; so she needs to get used to it. You can help her by pre-planning calls on your devices. Unfortunately I think she might have lost this friend (judging by the mum’s message) but do it to foster other friendships. You don’t want her to come out of lockdown having lost all her friends because she couldn’t be bothered to keep in contact with them (or worse reduced them to tears by having a go)

Use the lockdown to teach your daughter about polite ways of telling people she doesn’t want to talk. Maybe also prepare her for the possibility that she won’t have any friends left when she goes back to school.