How to respond to someone calling my DD horrible for not wanting to FaceTime?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

DD, 7, is popular but quite reserved at the same time. She's had her classmates and also her cousins wanting to FaceTime her a lot during lockdown and a lot of the time she hasn't been in the mood and said no.

Anyway one of her friends FaceTimed my iPad today for her. I was in the house (she was in the garden) so didn't hear it and she said she only answered because they rang 10 times (I checked, this is true). She answered and said she didn't want to talk to them and was busy, then hung up. Her friend has been in tears and her mum messaged me saying my DD is horrible and and has made her DC heartbroken.

I haven't responded and haven't spoken to DD as I do feel she shouldn't be made to speak to people she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

I'd be steering your dd away from hers anyway. She doesn't sound very pleasant.

I was like this as a kid. My Mum said that I’d turn away other kids who called for me at the door, and that they’d leave sad not to see me.
It’s just a case of different personalities. The other child might be quite needy, whereas your daughter may be cool / independent. It’s hard for the other mother, but she should appreciate your child’s point of view, as well.

Her DD is usually ok, the mild bullying last year an aside (it really is water under the bridge I doubt either of them even remember and they've had a great relationship ever since).

There is nothing rude in saying you don't want to talk at the moment because you are busy.

Little girls should not be taught to appease other's feelings from such a young age. If she doesn't want to engage, she doesn't have to.

Hear hear.

Glummy It sounds like the other mum is having her own struggles with lockdown, what is she doing getting involved in children's quarrels and making a huge drama out of a none issue?

7 year olds can be rude, abrupt and tactless, they're children. You've replied back to her and she's chosen to take issue about it. I'd leave it there, if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then your daughter has made a lucky escape.

The fact that the other mum can’t see she is also behaving badly by calling a child horrible is hysterical.

Happy’s response was restrained and to the point. I am glad you used it.

I agree you will never teach this other mother manners. Both children behaved like seven year olds, unfortunately the other mum did too😊

I think you handled it well. The other girl sounds like a pest and your daughter rather rude.

I'm a bit baffled by all the uproar about use of the word "horrible". I had to look it up wondering if it means something other than I thought. Collins gives the definitions as:
(1) filled with horror, which obviously doesn't apply;
(2) disagreeable or unpleasant; or
(3) (informal) cruel or unkind.

The latter two seem quite a good fit. Your daughter's response was unpleasant and unkind, as many PP have said. So I don't see what is inappropriate about the use of the word "horrible". You seem to have reacted as if she'd called the daughter a "horrible little cunt" which I agree would be a wholly inappropriate thing to call a child. "Horrible" is pretty mild.

Tell the other mother that your dd didn't handle the 10 calls well and you will have talk with her about not having to answer a call but having to be polite when she does.

Add that she isn't horrid, she is 7 and, like her own dd, has yet to learn about pleasant communication.

The friend needs to be told that you try once and not ten times. Your daughter was busy and clearly felt harassed. Why should she have to talk if she does not want to?

I would say that she was rude, and needs to learn a lesson for future reference and at 7 they are still learning these things.

She should know that she can silence devices when needed and that it is OK to do this. If she does end up taking a call at an inconvenient point then she needs to learn to say that now isn't a good time because, say, "Mum has just called me for lunch/dinner/to do something", but maybe later, or tomorrow morning at a given time.

Certainly she should not just tell people she simply doesn't want to talk to them and would rather do something else instead. She won't keep many friends that way, although I do think that the other mum is being a bit OTT. They are 7. They are immature and still learning a lot of social skills.

I would probably be telling DD that she should message her friend to apologise for the manner in which she spoke to her, saying when she will be available for Facetime later, or at X time tomorrow. No guarantees though that it isn't too late.

Doesn't bejng a friend sometimes mean being there for them when you don't fancy it or is the current generation of kids really being taught that what they want comes first every time?

I'm surprised at the mother getting involved but I'm also not surprised the child was upset.

The mother of the other little girl is responsible here, she should not have allowed her to call 10 times. She should have been supervising but didn’t and is now taking it out on you. I’d ignore the dramatics, if you are super kind you could say say you are sorry she’s upset and perhaps arrange a different time to contact if your daughter is happy with it.

We have this exact problem with my youngest and it’s made me very cross. One of her friends rang continuously 57 times! They also seem to be able to give it but not take it, it’s like some bizarre power struggle. My DD rang a girl back after 15 missed calls in 5 minutes to be rudely dismissed because she didn’t pick up when summoned.

I lost the plot with it all in the end. I contacted her teacher and asked her advice how to deal with it all because I didn’t want them to all fall out either. She was really helpful and supportive. Hopefully things will improve now. But no it is not on to be ringing people over and over and I’m surprised at some of the posts on here.

And yes, friend also needs to be told that you certainly don't try ten times to get through. If it isn't answered in either of the first couple of times then wait until late, or the next day. There is such a thing as harrassment, and if someone did that to me I would certainly be annoyed.

Why didn't you just tell the other Mum the truth "DD hates video chat, perhaps they could just phone instead?"

I think the other child was the rude one but they are 7 and both need abit of guidance here. However the other mother totally escalated though she is the person in the wrong here imo. Her comment about your dd was very unfair

I think we just aren’t used to adults being so blunt. Most parents have the tact and emotional intelligence not to call children horrible when speaking to their parents.

If this mother felt strongly, all she needed to say was that her child was upset at the way she was spoken to. She didn’t need to call the other child horrible. It’s quite an odd and confrontational way to approach a minor upset between two seven year olds.

Also attempting to force your child to be friends with or interact with other children when they don’t want to us a fools game I’ve had to learn this the hard way!

So many grown women taking pleasure in throwing insults at a 7yo girl they've never met. Some of you should be ashamed.

They're both 7yo and using technology that's far too "grown up" for them. At that age most of my playdates and communication with friends outside of school was through my parents - I don't remember calling my friends at such a young age - my mum would ring and speak to their mum and then I'd speak to my friend afterwards for a few minutes sometimes.

Maybe put the iPad on silent or turn it off when it's not being used, then your DD can decide if she wants to call her friend back afterwards. Hell, I'm 31 and often ignore my phone as I don't want to talk!

The only one in the wrong here is the other mother. These kids are 7 years old.

The mother is horrible.
Just because we have these instant means of communication does NOT mean anyone is morally obliged to be at anyone else's beck and call (though I expect this is a split vote based on a thread the other day about not replying to texts.)
Your daughter was not horrible, she spoke the truth simply and without malice, presuming she meant she didn't want to speak to her 'right now' rather than 'ever'.

Two incidents to the the detriment of your dd. This woman is score pointing against your dd. It isn’t nice. She had the perfect opportunity to back down after your response and didn’t. I would be very careful when play dates start up again.

My dd has just started secondary. We have had incidents like this, misunderstandings really, just from uptight parent. Consequently, parents have been pretty unkind and said some things, which made ddcry. Dd is pretty aware of the personalities of her friends parents and adjusts accordingly. At 7, I tended to encourage her to have play dates with the children of the more relaxed parents. Maybe you should do the same.

All I can say is that this woman is truly clueless about the level of complexity a 7 yo can cope with in friendships. At 7 children are still pretty blunt. Just because her Dd is ok with FaceTime, it doesn’t mean your dd has to be too. She’s really overstepped now. Your dd will learn how to manage the phone - her dd will too. This is a skill, which takes several years.

Your DD was not horrible - not everyone feels the need to connect with other people and it is perfectly fine for her to not want to talk. Good on her for not being a people pleaser and telling this girl she was busy. Your daughter sounds like she is happy in her own skin and I think that is great.

If anything I would say the other girl was being rude to keep on messaging all those times and her mother was even ruder for calling you and telling you your daughter is horrible. I think both mother and daughter need to improve their social boundaries.

It depends really OP as your DD might have said "I don't want to talk to you" which has made her friend think that she just doesn't want to speak to her and maybe speaking to other friends.
Both girls need to be spoken to about simple manners - both should also apologise for their behaviour: stop being a nuisance and calling over and over again, and don't tell someone to go away (effectively) and hang up!

What a fuss over nothing. That mother is totally overreacting. I’m embarrassed for her.

Why is everyone saying ops daughter was rude ???

Bet youd all love having someone call you 10 (TEN FUCKING TIMES) in a row and only stopping when you actually have to tell them too