Should I phone the police?

[saturdaynightgin]

DM went out around 1pm yesterday afternoon to take the dog for a walk. 6pm she brought the dog home and went back out - it was clear she’d been drinking. She claimed to have been social distancing, sat in a friend’s garden and that’s where she was returning to. Around 10pm, we received a message from my uncle (dad’s brother that mum isn’t close to) to say she’d turned up at his house and they were having a drink in the garden.

Dad stayed up til midnight, but mum still hadn’t returned home so he went to bed and locked the front door. We had a message from mum at 1.30am to say she was locked out and where should she go. I replied half asleep around half hour later when I woke to see to DS that she should phone my brother, who still lives at home, to open the door for her. I had no reply to that message so assumed she’d got in and had gone to bed.

It’s now 12pm and there is no sign of DM. The usual friends she visits have said they haven’t seen her. Her phone was answered this morning around 9am, but the person on the other end didn’t speak, and since then it’s ‘not been possible to connect your call’.

She has in the past stayed out all night, but this is the latest she’s ever gone without returning home. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s asked her friend to ‘cover’ for her, but with covid-19 going on, I’m unsure as to whether he friend would. I really don’t want to waste police time, but at the same time I’m starting to worry.

So..
YABU - don’t phone the police
YANBU - phone the police.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

She’s a binge drinker so she’s still an alcoholic and her poor choices are affecting you negatively.

Forget phoning the police. Contact Al Anon for support.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Regardless of where she is currently, , she’s an adult and has to take responsibility for her own choices in life. Alcoholics will happily blame others for their mistakes.

You need to find a way of detaching from this sad situation. No one in the family can save her from herself. Whilst everyone is running around trying to help, she’s not going to accept she has a problem and is only going to get worse.

I would call and explain she's an alcoholic on a binge but this is out of character for her.

You don’t have to wait 24 hours to call the police - your mum was drunk and alone with nowhere to go (high probability people wouldn’t let her in to crash on sofas during lockdown). When you phoned earlier, the phone answered but no one spoke - she could be injured. Now the phone is probably dead so she can’t call for help.

Absolutely call the police. She’ll need a stern telling off when she recovers from whatever has kept her out, so irresponsible for a grown woman

Your dad may be pissed off with her but I don't think he should have locked her out - just put her in a room on her own.

This. A Drunken women unable to access her own home isn't acceptable.

There's clearly a lot more to this, but you need to take on board some difficult facts.

Your Mum may wish to access Women's Aid and Alcohol support charities.

It does sound like your mother has issues with alcohol, and possibly mental health.

You will never be able to keep her Holme, and to be honest I can understand why your dad locked the door. She is being very irresponsible with her families health and safety.

If she doesn’t turn up by 6pm I would call the police. However don’t let her turn herself into the victim here. She needs help, not enablers.

@Ponoka7
I don't know why people think it's acceptable to lock someone out of their home
OP has stated that DF assumed DrunkenM had a key - what was he supposed to do - stay up all night just in case, or leave the front door wide open?

I'd call the non-emergency number and ask for advice/report
www.missingpersons.police.uk/en-gb/resources/reporting-someone-missing

Some of the attitudes to alcohol on here are a bit ridiculous. Yes it's irrisponsible but it doesn't mean the OP needs to detach.

OP has stated that DF assumed DrunkenM had a key - what was he supposed to do - stay up all night just in case, or leave the front door wide open?

Phone her and ask, send her a text, contact his brother and ask

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays The fone is not connecting so she cannot contact her

She's alcoholic. Police are busy enough. She'll turn up in the next day or two. Leave her alone. She needs to hit her rock bottom before she'll want to get help.

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays Sorry baby brain, I just read it again and got you meant the dad should have called.

OP, do you know if your dad did try to call her any more?

If this was a post about a drunken male being locked out due to being intoxicated and breaking lock down rules no one would question it. They’d be all for it in fact.

Responsibility is solely OP’s mother.

I would call the police OP, and if it turns out she’s just hungover on someone’s sofa it may be the wake up call she needs to address the binge drinking

I think op ‘s dad was right to lock the door. He thought she had a key, she might have gone out with a key and lost it. But I wouldn’t sleep in a house with an unlocked door.

I suspect OP’s dad has had to put up with this behaviour for a whIle.

The first priority is to establish that she is safe, then get her he help she clearly needs.

I’m on my phone and don’t know how to reply individually, I’m sorry.

The reason I didn’t go to her was because I was feeding DS (9 months) and in all honesty I thought my brother would have answered his phone.

RE door locking, this is something my parents do, the last one to go to bed locks the door regardless if anyone is still out.

My sister has gone out to look for her - where, I don’t know because DM doesn’t have any ‘go to’ places.

We’ve already messaged friends and tried phoning them, no answer.

I’m waiting for DSis to get home, and then I’ll suggest calling the police

Lockdown issues aside, she may just be annoyed at being locked out so I'd give it a little longer. If she's not turned up by early evening then I think you're going to have to call.

Phone her and ask, send her a text, contact his brother and ask
Do you phone the other key holders in the house before locking the door? Adults responsible enough to have a key should be responsible enough to take that key with them when they leave the house.

The fone is not connecting so she cannot contact her

No, I ment the df should have tried to contact her last night to see whether she had a key.

@JohnFinlaysNewTeeth, yes, if I wasn't certain they had a key or not of course I would try to contact them to find out. How odd that you wouldn't

She sounds irresponsible and selfish

But seriously, locking her out? Wtf! If I was locked out by my husband from my house I would genuinely divorce him.

How dare someone lock her out from her own home. She is an adult and does not have to answer to anyone (except she should not have been out due to current lock down)
Provided she wasn't meant to look after any children she's hardly put anyone at risk except the obvious she shouldn't be drinking that much / and out at all at the moment

But making the decision to abuse your power and lock someone out

What the fuck??!

Call the police to check on her. She's probably very angry she was locked out of her own home.

How dare someone make the decision to lock her out, leaving her at risk. What a stupid thing to do.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Your brother is being an idiot. Did he seriously expect you to come out in the middle of the night when you have a young baby? Why didn't ge answer his phone -if my phone rings in the middle of the night, I answer it because I assume there is some emergency.

I think people are being harsh to say OP's Dad shouldn't have locked the door -he was going to bed and assumed his wife had a key. If my husband is out and I know he will be late,I lock the door when I go to bed because he has keys. If he has forgotten his keys he would knock/shout/ring the bell.

I'm glad your sister is able to have a look for your mum. If she has no luck, I would call the police.

Phone the police something may be wrong as the last you heard was text saying she was locked out that you knew was from her. whoever answered the phone when you rang it might not have been he or it might have been her as they didnt speak, as now you cant connect with her phone? like seriously RING THE POLICE. hope it turns out well and she's found safe and well x

I also am confused that anyone would sleep so deeply they don't hear the door bell / knocking or their phone 🙄 it sounds like your dad knew she was locked out but was annoyed at her
What's worrying is that she didn't come to your house or your sisters house when she couldn't get into her own home 💔💔

I would therefore call the police now, regardless of whether or not your sister has found her "out"
Put it on Facebook.
I also saw another post from someone saying about a lady being out, can you message the OP your home town in case this can help?

I mean if I got locked out I would go to a hotel or I would go to my MIL or one of my friends houses around the corner so I don't know why she's missing
That is worrying

@cultkid is it really an abuse of power if you think the adult has a key?

Do you go to bed with the doors unlocked incase someone loses their key? I don’t. That’s how opportunists get into houses. 5e police strongly advise against this.

Why do people think you should have gone out to her last night? You picked up her message 30 mins after she sent it, she could've been anywhere by then! What did she think you were going to do, under current circumstances you couldn't have her in your house anyway. I think your brother is deflecting his guilt onto you, he still lives at home, surely your mum rang the doorbell or messaged him/your dad? Regardless of all that though, I do think it is worrying that your mum is missing and I would be calling the police.

Where did she go to drink? Is it possible she went back and they would have redirected her to some accomodation of sorts?

I agree your dad should have sent her a message early evening to make sure she had her key. Assumptions make asses and all that, but no point dwelling on that.

Glad you've blocked your brother.

However I would still call 101 or go online for advice. If you live close enough for her to expect you to pick her up then you probably live close enough for her to walk to your house and knock on your door instead.

Unless she got a better offer and someone is covering for her to make DF realise it was dumb to lock the door, it's worth chasing.