To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

I would do everything i could to accomdate my DC at such an important time. Yanbu to expect a bit more support and understanding. It is difficult in a small house and sounds like your mum wants your company.
could you draw up a rota for quiet time, and for social time, ring fencing a time when you can work undisturbed? explain it won't last forever and how important the dissertation is and how stressed you are about it. Good luck

Work in your room. If your back hurts prop it with pillows. You can’t expect to take over the whole house in order to study.

@lockdowncockdown I just wanted to wish you all the best with your dissertation. My son has come back from uni and is a 3rd year too, writing his dissertation. He’s working in his room as he’s lucky enough to have a desk. Dd, dog and I are keeping out of his way during the day and keeping volume down on tv, earplugs for dd music etc. It is not just my home, it’s our home where I hope both my children know they can always visit. Yes I pay the bills but then I’m the adult with the full time job.
My son is studying so hopefully he can then one day join the work force and buy his own home, pay bills etc but for now he needs to work without disruption such as you do. Up until the lockdown he was in the uni library working as even his student house was too noisy.
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling and shocked at some of the responses on here. (Yes I know it’s AIBU but really?)
Wish you loads of luck for your future and hope you and your mum can work something out

Earplugs might help.

The last poster suggested some good ideas. Ive always been a night owl and now Im retired I often stay up into the early hours (3-4 am) and then go to bed when I am tired and just sleep into the day, I run an internet business and most of my clients are Americans so I have to be awake when they are online. During lockdown Im not expecting anyone to call so sleeping during the day works very well.

I've just had some really good news on an essay I submitted last month that I thought I had really screwed up and I just told her excitedly and she couldn't even say well done she just said oh right. This environment is so toxic.

Congratulations OP. That's really well done and must be a great relief.

Try and stow the emotions. Neither of you are at your best right now, and her best may never be very good.
(Does she feel threatened by your studies perhaps?)
YANBU. She is being selfish and unhelpful, but you can't fix that.

You have to just focus on practical changes you can make and that is probably mainly going to be working at times that she's asleep and in spaces she doesn't occupy.
So late/early in the sitting room or at the kitchen table if you wish. Or set something up in your room and apply earplugs or headphones. Or both. But those are all the choices you've got, unfortunately.

Is it possible for you to get out - got back to your uni digs or somewhere else? (You are allowed to move house).

I would love to hear the mums side of this

You just might, in a couple of years time, when the mum shows up here wondering why her daughter doesn’t have much to do with her.

@bruffin actually the best way to study is silently. It's to do with cognitive load and there's scientific proof.
@lockdowncockdown sorry this sounds like a nightmare. And you have to harden your heart to your Mum who thinks your job is to caretake her emotional needs and do what you need to do to make sure you get your dissertation done and the degree you deserve. I am appalled that anyone would not support somebody working in these circumstances, let alone their own daughter. Good luck.

Applejaxx
I know what you mean.
It should be the case that a sensible adult discussion is in order about how best to work through the situation whilst supporting the OP to complete her dissertation, which is a substantial part of her degree.

In reality that's unlikely to happen if the OP's mum is the sort of mum who follows her around where she's working, interrupts presentations to talk about the lawnmower, puts the telly on loud, plays music loud and so on only to storm off to play a guilt trip.

The fact the OP's mum couldn't even be happy about the recent good new on OP's assignment says it all.

Ktgrey
plenty if evidence listening to music helps with studying

Give it a rest @bruffin...not everyone likes studying whilst listening to music, not everyone takes a break to eat lunch. Nothing wrong with doing or not doing either. There is no right or wrong way to study. Everyone is different.

What is your problem anyway? You posted that your own daughter is also writing her dissertation. I would have thought you’d have a bit more understanding of the OP’s situation.

Order a laptop desk and work on your bed. Your dis must be due soon so tell your mum you only need x amount of weeks of peace in the garden, bedroom etc and then you will be free for the summer

Realistically how much work have you got left to do?

By this point in my third year my dissertation was really all over bar the shouting, most people spent the Easter hols doing final tidying up and small re-writes as submission was start of May onwards.

Whilst I think your mom is being childish I don’t think it’s anything an adult conversation and compromise can’t solve - if you can give her an end date and try to compromise on working hours (and if you’re with your mom actually be with her, not looking at your laptop whilst eating with her, that’s just rude)

who made the lunch? did you say thank you if your mum made it? you couldn't take 10 minutes to eat lunch with her?

Frankly you sound like too much hard work. It's a dissertation, you can take meal breaks and talk to your mum

Have you spoken to her about it all? what did she say?

Why are you working while eating? That's the perfect time to close your laptop and concentrate on chatting with your mum.

You're not doing yourself any favours, really you're not.

This is getting ridiculous now and is no longer helping me. The first replies were useful now I just feel like people are looking for things to pick at. Yes, I made my own lunch thank you and she wasn't even eating at the same time as she wasn't hungry

Did your university or student house not allow you to stay there? I know some said students could stay until the end of term before returning home if it worked for them. It would then be essential travel to get home. It would be classed as essential travel to move back to your uni accommodation and for your sanity and dissertation I would think about doing it.

Have you even considered any of the suggests posters have helpfully put forward?

The environment does sound toxic, you need to own your part in creating it too.

Get yourself setup in your bedroom with headphones and stop being a martyr/putting all the blame on your mum. Sort out a timetable where you have breaks for lunch and dinner where you chat with your mum instead of pretending you are concentrating but actually reading/posting on MN.

Has anyone suggested working at night and sleeping in the day yet? Fewer hours when it's quiet may be more efficient; then anything not requiring you to type could be done in your room.

Then I'd be asking her whether she wants you to pass or not? If Yes, then she has to be helpful of that, and she has to accept what is helpful and what absolutely isn't. if No, then why not?

And would she really prefer you to move out?

Why are you working while eating? That's the perfect time to close your laptop and concentrate on chatting with your mum.

Not if the OP's racing for a deadline. Sometimes every minute counts.

Work in your room. I’m wfh at the moment and similarly need solitude and quiet (I’m a lawyer, need to concentrate and take calls). I’ve got a one year old (being looked after by my DH) so working at the dining table downstairs is not going to happen (open plan living space, no study). No it’s not ideal, but it’s certainly doable. Personally I don’t think it’s reasonable to banish your mum to her bedroom or stop her watching tv/listening to music in the common area.

Not if the OP's racing for a deadline. Sometimes every minute counts
I would have thought its counterproductive, you need breaks especially for lunch to refocus.