To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

I do think you have to take meal breaks ( sorry to those who have revealed hatred of the work meal on another thread!). Seems a bit pointed to keep ignoring her while you eat.

I agree with those who say work in your room. I have a bad back and I often work sitting on my bed supported by pillows.

I know what you mean as my Mum is a noise maker! There is a sort of person who has to make sure you know they are there at all times by making noise, that they are important and must be able to make noise, and that whatever you are doing is definitely never important enough that they should stop making noise or interrupting you. It may be that your Mum is one of these. That said it’s her house, and she has to be cut some slack - it’s a difficult time for everyone.

Ordinary silicon ear plugs do the trick for me - there is often a lot of noise outside my window during the day (London) and these work fine to cancel it out.

What are you expecting? Your mum to spend her days in silence? Or to be confined to get room all the time?

OP I’m shocked by the replies on this thread. You are not being selfish. You are at an incredibly important stage of your education, something that you’ve invested the past three years in. I struggled to focus with distractions when I was a student too, and I wouldn’t have been able to write a difficult paper with the tv on, or sitting in my bed. Your mother’s wish to have the tv running all day isn’t equal to the importance of an appropriate environment for you, right at this point in time.

Please ignore all the awful, horrible women posting on here and calling you selfish. You aren’t. Hang in there. Good luck to you- you’ll get there and all your hard work will pay off.

Everyone saying "it's her house" etc - I am sure that lockdowncockdown has also paid for halls but came back to be with their Mum at this time, so everyone needs to compromise. I'm sure that her mother doesn't want her to do badly at her dissertation.

Lockdown, my wife got a TINY desk which does nothing more than allow her to put a laptop down in the main bedroom, have a chair at it, and we've mounted the monitor on the wall. This worked and has stopped us killing each other over the lounge.

Drastically - you could get a fold-out desk and put the bed up for the day.

PS I'm a University Prof and don't worry, everyone is going to make very extreme allowances... we are having to work in these conditions too...

@lockdowncockdown your mother is being completely unreasonable: I don't care if it's her house and she pays the bills.... this is your DEGREE and for the sake of a few weeks she should suck it the f*ck up and let you get this done.

You're her child, this is your life's pursuit. What kind of parent doesn't want their child to succeed because that's what this looks like. This isn't just about her wanting to use her own house, the fact that she follows you around spouting inane chatter just shows she is only concerned with herself.

Disgusting attitude.

You can do this. Xx

I think if anyone is selfish here it is you. Firstly it’s her house not yours. For you to take over the common area and expect you mum not to disturb you is way out of order. If you want space study in your bedroom. Or wait till she has gone to bed then you can use the living room (I use to study after my mum went to bed)

@FelicisNox

I agree with you, so glad i didn’t have the attitude of this is my home and I will be selfish and ruin my daughters dissertation

My home is my children’s home too, even though I pay all the bills

Same. Prefer studying on a bed now. It's a bit rich to take over someone's sitting room for your exams really.

Buy a pair of noise cancelling headphones.

Wow your mum... Also wow the responses supporting the mum...

Op I know exactly the situation you are in. Even if you are in your room working away, your mum would still find an excuse to come in and discuss something or complain about being lonely.

You have a deadline and she doesn't understand this. I get it that it is easy to do going "oh I'll just quickly ask her what she wants for lunch" and either it breaks a train of thought or ends up her taking for 5 minutes about nothing. Believe it or not I am your mum in this that I forgot when husband was first working from home a lot last year. You might have snapped but yea this is your final year report. This is when you are highly stressed, with limited access to resources, staff and workshops you might need.

She's lonely so why not try to have a conversation like so "I know you have been feeling coupled up, especially with me needing to focus so much on my dissertation so I planned a big family zoom at x o'clock - the plan is that we all get dressed up in our fancied clothes and stuff" if I am going to be able to do all the fun make over/make up prep before though I need to focus on my report. If I get to this many words /this chapter /section /research sorted it means I can focus on girly time"

Also do this chicken theory on her. Talk through your dissertation with her and make her feel included about key stuff.it might not help but it might get her off your back as she will want to feel included when you next want to talk through it. Also thank her when she does let you have some peace and make a point of being thankful. She'll like the praise attention.

You might need to work in your room. It sucks and a better person would be understanding and try to help you for a few weeks.

I had this problem with my mum. She's a very me me me person

My mum is the same. Make her feel included or useful. It will make a difference

Well done on the essay! what are you studying? I think your mum is being quite difficult.

Hi OP - firstly I completely sympathise.

I know only too well the pressures of a dissertation and nice and quiet , comfortable space to study and headroom are essential.

It sounds like you’re being afforded none of the above - this sucks.

There are some very unhelpful replies here essentially downplaying your need to study properly- I found when I was studying for my a levels my home environment and my parents attitude to higher education were not conducive to a good study environment. Hence me leaving school and getting a job.

Environment is key!

Do you have any friends or close family that could loan you a spare room for a day? You could drive over..
It’s a same libraries are closed that would be ideal.

I’d go with ( if you have to stay at home and cannot go back to uni accom) some earplugs, or some noise cancelling headphones?

I love a big desk to study and I sympathise you haven’t got access: maybe a table top fold out desk ( as already suggested).

Not sure what space you have available.

I like the work through the night suggestion too: completely reverse your sleep pattern. Work till like 3 -5 am if poss and sleep all day. Make your own food and snacks then if mum complains tell her it’s the only way to get the work done.

It’s your dissertation, and don’t give up your right to have a proper study space or study time. Dont settle! Make your study time yours, and no one else’s. It may be your mum just doesn’t Understand how much pressure you’re under and Time consuming it can be. I’ve been there!

All the best- keep plugging away. Work through the night and review the next day. Take regular breaks and try to send to someone to proof read

Can you get a bed desk type thing ? There’s all sorts of ways of working around very little space . Can you rearrange, take clothes out of drawers into boxes under the bed and use the space for a small desk? Fairy lights and a cork board and voila mini office

I think you’re being pretty selfish OP if I’m honest. If it’s only for a few weeks can’t you compromise and sit on your bed? In your took you will get the quiet distraction free environment you need. I would not be happy if someone stayed in my house then tried to take over the space and tell me to be quiet even more so during a lockdown!!

Why don't you sit her down and talk to her about the issues and a possible timetable? And whether there's a piece of furniture you could use to work at comfortably?

There's probably something you can do with a chest of drawers, pulling one open, then making desk surface with a bit of plywood (or several sheets of card) or a cupboard door to setup a makeshift desk in a tiny bedroom. Or order an ikea wall mounted/fold leaf kitchen table if you can?

Obviously Mum doesn't get it and agree you'll knacker your neck if you try to sit on bed & work on your lap. Good luck with finding an inventive solution!

Clearly lots of differing views on here depending whether you've been in this situation or relate more to Mum, who just doesn't understand the problem. Try not to kill each other - she'll always be your Mum!

Focussing on a practical solution to getting a workstation in your tiny own room is best way to go.

Make sure you get outside for your hour a day so you don't feel like you're suffocating in your 4 tiny walls. Not ideal for anyone & all the best with final bits of uni work.

Just wanted to come on as shocked at how unsupportive the comments are. It's not ideal but I would so anything to support my DC finishing university, it's the culmination of 3 years work.

But back to your reality you will have to just persevere for a few more weeks. If you can invest in an over the bed table, as PP suggests, and lock yourself away in your room. Good luck

You are in her house. Work in your room on the bed if your that bothered!

It's her house. I get that it's annoying but if you really can't take it you should defer, get a job and move out. It IS frustrating, she's your mum and she should have your back, but equally you're an adult, not a child, so it's rather rude to dictate to your mum what she can or can't do in the home that SHE pays for.

I’m baffled by the comments about it being the OP’s mother’s house, and not also the OP’s home. Where is the OP supposed to go during a lockdown?

The OP has only a short period of time until her dissertation is due. I would happily wear headphones in my own home, or limit noisy periods, for three weeks or so to help my child get the best result. I would also be proud of my child for being so committed to her studies.

I can’t fathom how some posters are endorsing a parent making it more difficult for the OP to succeed at something so clearly important to her. I honestly am struggling to understand what kind of parent could side against the OP over this. I would do everything I could to support my daughter’s studies. And, no, I am not a martyr patent, I just understand the importance of a good education and supporting my children’s goals.

Only read page 1 and I'm already annoyed! This is your dissertation, then of years of study! The least that your mother can do is support you!! My daughter came home before lockdown and submitted her dissertation a week ago. Until then she was working primarily in the lounge while I worked full time in the office. If I had a conf call then I shut the door. At breaks we would talk over anything she needed a sounding board for. In the evening I read, or if I wanted to watch something on tv then she would work in her room for a bit. At weekends I love some music on but I didnt because she was working. It was a few weeks, it didn't kill me to make allowances. I gave up evenings to read and comment on her dissertation sections.

Not once did I object (apart from teasing her about lazing around and her boring subject...lol), my job as her mother is to support her as best I can. And I damn sure didn't pay to get her through uni to screw up her chances at the end!!!

Of course this doesn't mean you should take advantage. Give and take is required from both parties. Can you not talk to her and agree something?

Seriously buy some noise cancelling headphones online and work in your room, even if you have to sit with your back against the bedroom door and the laptop on your straight legs

Hopefully she’ll get the idea when you just stop replying/engaging

I’m so sorry that your mother is so unsupportive. Try to do the best you can in the circumstances- perhaps let the university know what challenges you are facing.
Hard to believe that a parent can be so selfish, surely she should be enabling you to achieve your best results

I can’t believe how unsupportive your mother is being and how many people are calling you selfish when you have to do your dissertation under difficult circumstances anyway. It’s so important.
She doesn’t like it if you work in the sitting room and has TV on top volume even when not watching it. When you move to garden to work she follows you for attention. And when she’s not doing that she’s on the phone to your sister. She sounds very demanding.
This is exactly the same as if you were doing paid work with set hours as it will affect your earning in years to come and you are paying a huge amount for this qualification so you are not being selfish to try your best to complete it!!
I don’t think working through the night is the answer you’ll be frantic about wasting day time work hours and it could just make you exhausted.
There’s been some good advice about desks and earphones, but also I think you need to take advantage of your exercise time as free thinking time. And have a session in garden, then short break and Move to bedroom and encourage her to do some exercise time herself while you use the sitting room. It doesn’t sound as if you will get much co operation, although you could try talking to her and asking what she might wear to graduation etc.
Probably take meal breaks together as that may calm her down. Can you skype with friends sometimes? Remind yourself that this too shall pass. You will finish this eventually and will be glad you stuck with it. Best of luck.