To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

I’d love to know if OPs mum helped her practice her letters when she started school, sat reading with her, went to support her at school plays etc.
If so, well that was a waste of fucking time wasn’t it? Played at being supportive mummy all those years, but when it comes to the crunch point in her child’s education she can’t dig deep and shut the fuck up for a few measly weeks?
I’ll never understand this mentality. Never.

The most obvious solution would be to change your sleeping pattern.

So you work at night in the comfort of the living room when your mother is in bed and all will be peaceful and quiet. Then have a meal with your Mum (her breakfast, your dinner). Sleep during the day and then have another meal together (your breakfast, her dinner).

This way you both get your own space and can have quality time and conversations together over meals.

Sympathy — I’m also trying to write a dissertation, with two kids to watch and a job to do from home. It’s hardcore whatever your situation.

It sounds like your mum is very extrovert and struggling with the lack of interaction. It’s more that you are not talking to her that’s doing her head in. While you are living there she is expecting a captive audience.

I suggest you agree some social time with her and make sure she knows you look forward to these breaks from the books — take the trouble to interact with her.

If you go for a walk with her or sit and drink coffee and talk in the garden she might be less miffed when you’re working. My husband is extrovert and I’m not, for domestic harmony I make the effort to put down the phone/laptop and chat as he misses his social life.

My work pattern is that I study 2 hrs first thing, then an hour after lunch then evenings once the kids are in bed. The last few weeks I’ve worked over nighters to get the hours in.

Good luck it’s nearly done and I’m told academic marking is going to be lenient owing to lockdown limitations.

Xx

I would either sort out a schedule or work in my room

I really am trying but I feel like she is being deliberately awkward. For example this morning I had an early Skype interview for a masters course so I asked her if when she got up she would mind emptying the house rabbits litter trays and feeding them which I do every morning when I'm home and when I went downstairs she hadn't done it so I was trying to clean rabbit shit and feed them half an hour before an important interview. I am lying in bed now watching a film and I asked her if she would like to join me she said no I'm fine thanks and is watching tv on a tiny phone screen in her bedroom I feel like I can't win whatever i do although she has been quiet today which is something so I've managed to get stuff done which Is why I've got a free evening now. Thanks for the support and suggestions I have took on board the advice and I'm trying to make changes.

Good luck op. Your DM sounds more like a petulant teenager than a grown woman. As someone who gets pain in her lower back I couldn’t work on my bed either (even with a hospital type pull over table). Those that describe back pain as a slight discomfort clearly have never really suffered from it.

Simply use your room or get your own place so if you pay the bills you write the rules... Or grow up!

Hi I’m sorry you are under so much pressure. The last few weeks of uni are tough.
Can you change over your body clock and work from day 9pm through the night ? Then you can have the sitting room? Of Maybe can you just move back to uni house for few weeks or another relatives house that has more room or a friend? I’m sure yiu be self isolating anyway stuck in writing dissertation. My daughter barely left her room not even to bother going out for a walk? Xxxx it soon be over hang in there xxx

This situation is hard for everyone! I can see where you are coming from but your poor mum - where is she supposed to go all day while you study?? Households up and down the country are in similar situations - in ours we are two parents working full time whilst homeschooling 2 small children. Neither of you are being unreasonable - you need to both compromise.

You are both under huge pressure and stress- every is. And your dissertation is a big pressure on top. I think you need to be aware that your mum probably hasn’t been deliberately annoying you with music, tv and chat- that’s just how she is and possibly more so when stressed. You have probably been less chatty, less tolerant etc because of dissertation stress. She feels hurt by this. You feel hurt by her. Hence even when one of you tries to make friendly overture, eg you saying about watching a film together, the other nurses their wound rather than accepting the gesture.
Try to be more tolerant and accepting of each other. I do think it’s a bit entitled of you to expect to take over the sitting room in her house. I also think your thing about cleaning the rabbits was martyr-ish- surely you could have just cleaned out after your call?
Hope you can get through this stressful time ok with your mum- it is tough for you both in different ways, and good luck with dissertation

If it was my DD and she was writing a dissertation I would accommodate her. I don't think YBU, but you are clearly not going to get any joy so you'll have to find a way round it. Good luck. It sounds really stressful.

Your DM is being selfish. If you were my DD I'd take the small bedroom to give you the space.
In the meantime can you order a bed table for your room, mentally block her out if you can, I bought noise cancelling headphones really cheap on amazon I can post the link if your interested. Good luck.

I’m a bit confused by this thread. When I was writing my dissertation (admittedly a good few years ago now) I was living in a shared student house. There was 6 of us, with all the usual comings and goings of uni life.

There’s absolutely no way any of us would have dictated how others used the shared space, nor would we expect to work in silence in there. If we were on deadline we worked in our rooms.

If we needed quiet we’d stick headphones on. I’d never have expected everyone to walk around on eggshells in absolute silence for me, the world just doesn’t work like that.

Mm

My mother is similar. When I am doing craft on the dining table (which is also where everyone else does things, except eat), as soon as I start, she is on my back about cleaning up my "mess", while I am in the middle of it.

Your mother will not change. Go to IKEA or Walmart and get a cheap foldable table and work in your bedroom. And get some noise cancelling headphones. The cheapest are ear protection from a hardware store that labourers use. If it works for a jackhammer, it will work for your mother's TV and music.

Genuinely shocked by responses here saying you’re selfish and whose house is it etc. OP I’m so sorry you’re being put under this extra intolerable pressure by your own Mum. I would happily tiptoe around my son if he was at home writing his dissertation and I am not a pushover parent by any stretch. Supporting your child in their endeavours at this level is one of the most important things to do as a parent. This is not the time, as others seem to think, for making a stand about ‘who pays the bills’ etc, for heavens sake. I hope you can find enough peace and quiet to focus on your writing. Good luck to you.

I can’t believe how hostile the comments are! If my child came home to write a dissertation I would do everything in my power to help him do his very best. ‘My house’ is also my sons’ home as far as I’m concerned. I totally agree with ThusSpoke and feel very sad that your mother is so unsupportive. Good luck op!

I know it’s hard and you’re frustrated. I remember writing my dissertation with a newborn baby strapped to my boobs!
I think maybe you’re overly stressed so the noise from television is getting to you more? Just try and plough through it. Does your university have a no detriment policy for assignments now, due to COVID?

I am currently finishing my Master’s, deadline is Friday. I am a single parent in lockdown with two children - I really do feel your pain! I am tearing my hair out from the noise and distractions most days. You will get through it

You should be more amenable yourself. It’s your mum’s house and you’re encroaching on her space. Try and work in the garden as the weather’s so much better.

You chose to move back to Mum's now grow up get to your room and get on with your work YOU are the selfish one

I can't be doing with grown adults who rely on other people to entertain them. Giving these people whatever time you can spare is never enough for them, OP has found out. The mother's wish for company apparently outweighs her daughter's wish to achieve her goals. Lovely.

OP, I agree with others that taking over the sitting room was out of order, but I think your mum is going to make this hard for you no matter what. Can you move back to your halls of residence?

glennamy and THEDEACON what exactly do you get out of being a dick? Is it a weird confidence boost? Or are you both just nasty people? Its really confusing.

Reverse, surely

Sounds like your both a little unreasonable. It's her house for one thing, if you've been gone a long time she's gotten settled into doing her own thing and now your back she may feel like your dictating what she can and can't do. If you want quiet work in your room and leave her to her herself. It also sounds like she is cranky but currently we all are. It also sounds like you rub each other the wrong way so bedroom sounds like a safe place and use headphones.