To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

And those saying OP’s work should take priority. Why should it? It shouldn’t be an either / or. For all we know OP’s mum is struggling in the lockdown with no real company and not even being able to relax in her own home and watch tv or listen to music.

PPs have made lots of suggestions such as ear plugs, noise cancelling headphones, a foldable desk, or even a schedule to share the living area, and I’m not sure why any of these are not acceptable.

OP, I have been in the exact same situation when I was writing my undergrad dissertation a few years ago. I actually ended up not going back home the entire year, and renting a room over the summer of my postgrad year specifically because my family would not leave me to study alone, and would end up having blazing rows with me because I was 'ignoring them'. I would then get more stressed because I was falling behind, and it just went round and round.
It isn't just the silence, but when you know you could be interrupted at any moment it is so hard to focus. Plus, I was a horror at the time with the stress, so I understand your mum may be bothering you more than at a different time, potentially.

You really do have my sympathy. The only thing that worked for me - and you mentioned - is to move your sleep cycle so you work through the night. I used to wake up at 1pm, and work to 6am in order to get a good chunk of quiet time in with no one around, because ultimately it wasn't their fault I couldn't concentrate with noise around me. Your mum does have the right to use her house as she wishes. I really understand it would be lovely if she could work with you on this, but in my experience you will be able to get on with work a lot quicker if you adapt around her than expecting her to adapt to you. Good luck with the dissertation!

I have a smart tv in my bedroom that I have offered her to use but it's on the wall so can't be moved but she doesn't want to watch that one

Even here OP you seem to have a bit of an attitude about it. I would rather watch TV in my living room than in my child’s bedroom too. There’s no empathy or understanding in your posts.

Perhaps you are stressed with getting your dissertation finished. I suggest giving some time to your self to relax. Get out for a walk,
have regular breaks etc you might find that helps your concentration.

YANBU but agree with Bruffin - you need to make time for your mum, that will then stop her wanting to speak to you all of the time and give you more time in the long run.
The problem is, it’s not just you having to focus for a few weeks, your mum is also in lockdown with nowhere to go, no one to see, so in ‘normal’ times, it would’ve worked out better, but now you’re going to have to be a bit more considerate of her. (Not saying she shouldn’t be too, but she’s not on here asking for tips).
My DM lives alone and has 1 or 2 TVs on all the time, so I think she would find it hard if I was to move in and turn her TV off and not let her speak to me.
So you need to see it from her point of view to come up with ideas to meet her needs and then get your own time.
I would want to help my DC in this situation, but with lockdown and being in a small house, I think that it’s easier to say that than actually do it!
Good luck.

You are the one being extremely selfish

Drop down desk.

www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_noss&k=drop+down+desk&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I think you are being incredibly unfair to your mum, its not like she wants you to fail. But you are stuck in a tiny house....your study space needs to be your bedroom and that is that.

Can you fit a desk and chair in your mums room?
That could be a compromise couldn't it? You can go in there once she's up and dressed etc and the rules are if the doors shut don't disturb unnecessarily.
I do think there has to be some give and take. Your mum is also stuck indoors and bored. Make sure you set some time aside to actually spend time with her! You may find she won't follow you around then.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a parent to show some consideration for their child who is finishing their degree.

I'd find it irritating to live with someone who is incapable of respecting that I need to get on with something so follows me around chatting drivel, putting loud music on etc.

It would be unreasonable for the OP to expect her mum to vacate all communal areas, but it's totally reasonable to expect a fellow adult to be considerate about noise levels. There needs to be give and take so the OP can't take over communal areas all day and should be using her room some of the time, but equally it wouldn't hurt her mum to watch TV in the OP's room for a bit in the afternoon (unless she's less interested in watching a programme and is more wanting the TV on as background noise whilst she chats and potters around, in which case it doesn't need to be on loud).

YANBU but agree with Bruffin - you need to make time for your mum, that will then stop her wanting to speak to you all of the time and give you more time in the long run.

It might not. It might cause OP's mum to think 'See, she's had time to talk to me all along, she's just been difficult about it...' and lead to heightened demands for OP's time and attention, which in turn can lead to further tension and disappointment/guilt. (Speaking from experience here.)

not sure why OP can't find time for a 10 minute chat every so often

In my experience the problem isn't 10 minutes, it's an assumption on the other person's part of 'ah, she's finished work now', leading to further expectations being placed, and ending with the other person getting all disappointed when those expectations aren't met.

I acknowledge I'm basing these statements on my own experiences which don't apply to everyone, but I'm imagining that these are possible problems in the scenario OP is describing. Someone accused the OP of being judgey in mentioning that her mum hadn't been to uni. I don't think it's like that at all - different people have different working histories which tend to shape different expectations and assumptions about what work is, that's all. I think it genuinely can be hard for people who have worked in a different type of environment to understand the need for concentration and minimal interruptions when a person is studying or doing other concentration-heavy work. (I don't mean anyone on here btw, I'm speculating as to why this might be difficult for the OP's mum.)

It seems her mum can’t win. If she is in the living room watching tv she’s a nuisance. If she goes to her room at 7pm and leaves the living room free for her daughter to study she is ‘stomping off’.

These are anxious times for everyone. We know the OP is worried about her dissertation but we don’t know what the mum is worried about - losing her job maybe or falling ill or a new boyfriend she can’t see during lockdown. Perhaps having a stroppy and anxious student daughter come home 2 months early wasn’t what she wanted?

Take advantage of the evenings and late nights OP. Working through the night is pretty normal at this stage of a degree - that’s why uni libraries will often be open 24/7 at this time of year.

Some students who cannot go home due to difficult living circumstances like yours are still in university halls. Can you not contact your university and move back to your room there?

I can't imagine being a mum and purposely fucking up my child's hard work and degree just because I like leaving the TV on. Yes, it's my house, but there's a thing called being flexible and having priorities. It's a few weeks.

I really do wonder why some people decide to become parents on here.

it's my house, but there's a thing called being flexible and having priorities. It's a few weeks.
OP needs to be flexible as well

It seems her mum can’t win. If she is in the living room watching tv she’s a nuisance. If she goes to her room at 7pm and leaves the living room free for her daughter to study she is ‘stomping off’.
There's a massive difference between saying "I'm off to watch TV in bed, so I'll probably see you in the morning" and storming off.
One is supportive and part of getting along in these unusual times, the other is being petty and trying to guilt trip someone.

There's a massive difference between saying "I'm off to watch TV in bed, so I'll probably see you in the morning" and storming off
We dont know ops mum has a TV in her bedroom

I am just finishing my degree, I have two children off school and dh furloughed.
I do most of my work sat on the couch as I have RA and it causes less pain that way.

What has worked for us is me starting my work at around 6pm and putting up with the noise until dd2 go to bed around 8.30pm. DH them either watches something quiet like a documentary or puts headphones on. He goes to bed around 10.30 and I stay up until around 3am to work in the peace and quiet. DH up with dd2 in the morning and I sleep in until 10am.
This has worked really well so far.

If you don't have children I would try and work it out with your mum. You could work in your room until 10pm then go in the living room when mum goes to bed and do a night shift and sleep in the day. Your mum would be more likely to agree to be quiet in the day if she has watched the tv in the evening and not gone to bed as early.

OP, I have been in the exact same situation when I was writing my undergrad dissertation a few years ago. I actually ended up not going back home the entire year, and renting a room over the summer of my postgrad year specifically because my family would not leave me to study alone, and would end up having blazing rows with me because I was 'ignoring them'. I would then get more stressed because I was falling behind, and it just went round and round.

Gods, this has given me flashbacks of doing my A-levels. Picking arguments, putting the radio on downstairs on loud when I was doing mock papers so "she could hear it from upstairs" and calling me selfish if I asked for any concessions whatsoever.

It took me another 15 years to realise that it wasn't me being selfish but that my mother had had a chip on her shoulder all along about having dropped out of sixth form herself. That found an outlet in a subconscious desire to disrupt my homework and revision.

OP, I wish I could offer you solutions, but I got through it by doing homework on the bus where she couldn't see, sneaking off to the library, and finally by moving out.

Just thinking about writing a dissertation in the same house as my parents has me coming out in hives.

Sounds like you are just using your mum for cheap accommodation?

Study in your room.

You taking over the house and demanding silence must be pretty boring/annoying for her

Think about it, she cannot even relax in her own home

Feel sorry for her really

bruffin
Maybe not but my point still stands and if she wanted TV and didn't have one the OP has already said she's offered hers.

It's still entirely obvious there's a difference between someone making a decision because they're compromising and someone doing the same thing whilst storming off and trying to guilt trip the other person.

It's a bit like doing a job around the house because it's needs doing Vs doing a job around the house and making such a big deal of it so everyone knows you're doing it.
Or doing something nice for someone because it's nice or you want to help Vs doing something nice for someone whilst making it abundantly clear how put upon you are and how you're bending over backwards for the other person.

There's threads of posters having fraught adult relationships with their parents where this sort of behaviour happens

Sorry, you're definitely the selfish one. Your mum shouldn't have to go out of her way to accommodate.

Of course you can do your work on your bed.

I can't imagine being a mum and purposely fucking up my child's hard work and degree

It’s shocking, isn’t it.

I cannot believe the responses on this thread either. It must be ignorance, surely, because anyone with any idea about what a degree entails, especially at this stage, would not be calling the OP selfish, telling her that she needs to make more time for her mother etc.

I didn’t realise how lucky I was to have the parents that I do until I started posting on here. And I’m not even talking about the OP’s mum, I’m referring to the posters saying things like “It’s her house, she can do what she likes”. Absolutely shocking.

I would do anything for my children to succeed in life, it’s a real eye opener that not every parent feels the same way.

Is it just a laptop you're using or do you need space for a monitor too?
Maybe consider getting an overbed table or similar so that you are sitting in a better position in your bedroom?

Hi. I wonder if your mum is just craving attention and wants to spend some time with you. Can you maybe structure your day so you have a bit of time together ? Wishing you luck with your dissertation - you will get it done.

Lolasmiles
This has probably been going on for a month and the situation is coming to a head , people snap when they have a have been in a forced situation that long

Wow. Another one who can't believe the responses. Presumably it is OP's mothers house but OP has gone home from uni due to COVID-19? As far as I've heard from people I know at uni (as a uni student myself) unis are not being that helpful. As supportive as they could be, yes, but helpful, no. Most are giving extensions and not much else. An extra 2 weeks to write your final piece of coursework that makes up 50% of your grade, that you've been working for 3 years towards, is not that useful if you don't have a quiet stable environment to work in. I can't believe the people saying OP is in the wrong! There's a difference between doing what you want in your house and being all out inconsiderate of the other people who live there or are staying there temporarily due to a global panademic. You would think she would want her child to do well in their degree?

The thing is, if she let you concentrate for the majority of the day, you would probably get more done and then have some time to spend with her. Working at 50% because you can't focus just means you have to work for longer and have less time to spend with her in the long run.