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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's being selfish?

295 replies

lockdowncockdown · 19/04/2020 09:53

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 14:47

It's a situation where both people need to have a sensible adult discussion without the parent storming out.

Between the loud music, the TV, interrupting studies to discuss the lawn mower, it sounds impossible for the OP to get anything done.

I'm sure if she locked herself in her room she'd get interrupted and posters on here would be telling her to be more understanding.

MummytoCSJH · 19/04/2020 14:48

@bruffin how can the OP be more flexible? They have tried to work in different areas. They have a deadline to meet that culminates their entire time at university, not like they have much choice there. It's not about wanting to do what they like, it's about needing to get something very important done.

Crimsonnightlotus · 19/04/2020 14:49

ThusSpoke, but it's definitely is a privileadge, don't you think? Most of us posting on MN who have kids would do anything for them, but in rl, it's not always true. I am with people who thinks it's her house, but at the same time, I would try to help my child, in this situation. But it's because I went through the same thing. But I don't know if my child acted like he/she deserved it without showing respect and consideration for others. I may tell them to get out.

BelfryBat · 19/04/2020 14:51

I think your mum is probably bored with the lockdown and wants company. That said, she's behaving like a spoilt child and I find some of the replies on here incredibly unsympathetic. Clearly a lot of people have never been in your position. I have - I had to put up with hostility from my father towards my studies and attention-seeking from my mother. Suggest you get some earplugs from the chemist, or wear headphones (or both!). Make it clear to your mum you're working say 8 to 12, then an hour for lunch and chat, then 1 to 6, then after dinner, 7 to 9. And good luck!

ThusSpoke · 19/04/2020 14:53

But I don't know if my child acted like he/she deserved it without showing respect and consideration for others. I may tell them to get out

In what way is the OP not showing respect and consideration? By asking for music to be turned down or for the TV to be turned off when her mum isn’t watching it?

Ipadipod · 19/04/2020 14:54

The fact that your mum is storming out leads me to think that she is a drama queen/ control freak. I can’t believe people on here saying YABU. What parent wouldn’t want to help their child in any circumstances, let alone one like this !

bruffin · 19/04/2020 14:57

Mummy
OP has ignored all the suggestions on here other than working at night.

eldeeno · 19/04/2020 15:01

I get it lockdown, I'm trying to study for a doctorate module (only 7,000 words, so not a full dissertation) and I understand that having someone randomly talk or distract you can totally kill a train of thought and I really struggle to get back into the flow of things...

I also understand that it must feel claustrophobic to be living / working / sleeping in the one room. I don't think I could cope being cooped up in the one room all day.

But at the same time, you can't keep your mum captive. In the same way I can't keep my kids quiet. So your only option is to negotiate the times you study. I have taken to working late at night and then having long lie ins. I did the same during my degree -worked until the early hours when there was silence in my halls. It's only for a few weeks... and lots of students do that without the lockdown! If you're an early bird, get up early and work until your mum gets up. Perhaps negotiate that you work 5-10am every day in the living room and then do a few hours later on in your bedroom.

The bed desks also look useful.

Crimsonnightlotus · 19/04/2020 15:02

Maybe my take is skewed and biased, but that's the impression I got from her comments.
This is my personal view. If you think her mum is in the wrong and OP deserves better, I have no intention to dispute that.

Mombie2016 · 19/04/2020 15:03

This thread is awful.

I'm a single parent, 3DC, I'm at University, Microbiology. I have 7 exams in May and coursework due in soon. If my 12, 10 and 5 year olds can understand that Mummy needs short blocks of QUIET time in order to study (1 hour study, 1 hour with them) then surely a grown ass woman can?!

ThusSpoke · 19/04/2020 15:08

OP has ignored all the suggestions on here other than working at night

What is wrong with her working at night? And what suggestions has she ignored?

To get a desk bed for her room? The OP has said that she can hear her mother’s music through the walls. To get noise cancelling headphones? Another expense that the OP may not be able to afford given that, you know, she’s a student.

Or the suggestion to give her mother some time and attention? I’m sorry, but the OP has a dissertation to write to a deadline. I suppose she could always ask for an extension on her dissertation on the grounds that her mum is bored and lonely and just wants some companionship. I’m sure her university would be very understanding about just how difficult her mum is finding the current situation!

Crimsonnightlotus · 19/04/2020 15:14

Mombie, it;s not that they understand, they have no choice about what parents choose to do. How silly to compare that?

Mombie2016 · 19/04/2020 15:16

Because if children can understand, why can't an adult? My children could quite easily not do as they're asked, all 3 are wilfull and I have no back up (ex is a front line medic)

Brefugee · 19/04/2020 15:18

The "stomping off of an evening" - if that's open to interpretation, then how is the OP asking her mum to turn down the music?

They're adults and should talk to each other like adults. But if everyone always did that AIBU wouldn't have anything in it...

OhCaptain · 19/04/2020 15:22

@lockdowncockdown if you worked through the night though would your mum hassle you to chat and spend time with her during the day?

Because you’ll get no sleep if that’s the case!

Does your bedroom door have a lock? If so, I’d try to deal with the discomfort of a hunched back for a while if it means getting through it.

bruffin · 19/04/2020 15:24

I would love to hear the mums side of this.
OP doesnt need expensive noise cancelling headphones, just needs to put her own gentle music on headphones.
She needs to negotiate some time that she can have the living space, or quieter time. She cant expect to have it all the time.
As i said I expect if she worked at night she would still need quiet during the day to sleep and would still be complaining about noise then.

ravenmum · 19/04/2020 15:25

Clearly OP's mum is not lovely and understanding, or she wouldn't have posted. Unless she miraculously has a personality transplant, OP is going to have to work round it somehow. Let off some steam on AIBU too, sure, but dwelling on the fact she doesn't have a helpful mother will probably just add to the stress tbh.

Original poster
lockdowncockdown · 19/04/2020 15:29

I do spend time with her though! We go food shopping together as she doesn't drive and I do, we've been for walks together, we eat together. I don't think I'm ignoring her or being unkind.

OP posts:
WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 19/04/2020 15:29

The thing is it can be cathartic to all come on and say "wow, her mum's so selfish" but that isn't in the least helpful. If my DD was studying for an important bit of uni work I'd do all I could to support her but OP's mum isn't so OP needs to find a way to work in the situation she's in not the one she should be/would like to be in.

In a lock in situation it's obviously unreasonable to expect her mum to be silent and never in the living room watching TV so OP definitely needs to start negotiations from a reasonable view point. OP could afford to go halves on garden furniture so she could probably afford a fold out desk or set of decent noise cancelling headphones.

Is the mum willing to compromise at all? Eg a schedule of times the living area can be a work space so OP can have maybe two hours working in her room then two hours in the living room? Especially if OP changes her sleep schedule (and buys earplugs) this could work. Does OP's mum have a big bedroom which could easily house a desk so OP could work in there during the day? Will OP agree to an hour of family chat time so her mum isn't lonely all day?

Crimsonnightlotus · 19/04/2020 15:35

Like I said, it's not that they understand, they are trained to do as parents say, because they are children and have no choice. In a way, you are lucky you have children like that. And I don't think every parents are lucky like you.

Applejaxx · 19/04/2020 15:39

They are adults who should talk to each other. That’s fine if you have a mother who’s emotionally mature enough to discuss stuff like this, but if like me you have mother who’s emotionally stuck at about five years old then it’s just not going to happen. She doesn’t do feelings or grown up discussions and sulks over any perceived slight. Seeing as the OPs mother storms out when she tries to discuss it with her I’d say it’s the same for her.

Original poster
lockdowncockdown · 19/04/2020 15:54

It's creating an awful atmosphere tbh as I'm sitting at the table in the kitchen now with my laptop eating some lunch and she's sitting next to me and I feel awkward that I'm busy concentrating and trying to eat at the same time and I can feel the tension and the looks I'm getting, it's awful.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 19/04/2020 15:56

Honestly, lockdown. All of this will be solved by the slight discomfort of working in your room!

Then you can take lunch breaks and have a chat. Then again at dinner etc. Some structure to the day and clear boundaries.

redwinefine · 19/04/2020 15:57

You say you expect your mother to be understanding for a couple of weeks but suggest she shouldn't be watching tv or trying to talk to you or going out into her garden. It sounds like YOU'RE the one who needs to be understanding. It's her house.

bruffin · 19/04/2020 16:01

You need to take a break while your eating lunch, not trying to work st thevsame time.

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