To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

“Who’s house is lt”

To everyone saying that, ask yourself in 20 years why your children don’t visit you :)

I find working on a bed uncomfortable and it hurts my back to be hunched over
All you need is a box or something to use as a table on your bed - try those breakfast tray thingys.
Or a cardboard box.....

If you can tolerate noise cancelling headphones (I know not everyone can stand the ones that actually work) then get some sooner rather than later.

It’s difficult. You’re an adult who is used to living away from home, your mum has become used to you being away and having the house to herself. It’s not easy for both of you and a compromise is needed

DD and I manage to have conversations and chat while she is doing her dissertation. As i said above she does a lot in the garden with headphones on, atm as the weather has been lovely.
OP seems to be completely shutting her mum off

Daisy, is it true most uni students had to come home living with their parents without choice? Not talking about children boarding etc.

And how do you mean opposite, my dc isn't uni age yet either, but I would totally choose to support my dc, if they decided to come home. But I can totally agree with others who decided not to, regarding their adult children. We are not talking about teenagers, are we?

I can see its hard for you, but it must be hard for your mum too if you are taking over the only room with a TV, it will leave her nowhere to go. And of course at the moment everyone is more anxious and short tempered.
How big is your mums room? Could she put the TV in there for a couple of weeks or could you work in there? Failing that I think you will have to work in your room, or get used to working with some noise around you. I studied for my A levels in a small house with 4 noisy younger siblings, the TV on all the time, and no room of my own or desk. I just learnt to shut out the distractions.

She's being very inconsiderate

Did your mum do a degree? She might not realise how much concentration is needed - or if she did, she might have different tolerance levels of noise to you! I think on the one hand it's not fair for her to not try to help you with having a comfortable, reasonably quiet place to work from. However, on the other hand, she does need to be able to do things to keep herself entertained too. PPs saying you should just work in your room I think are being unfair - I know if I worked on my bed my back would be screwed. I think you need to find a compromise where you can either set up a desk/table & chair in a room that she agrees not to disturb you in for a reasonable amount of the day. Maybe the living room isn't best, and there isn't room in your bedroom. But what about the kitchen, or even her bedroom if she isn't in there most of the day? I also agree with others that having a schedule might help you both. She would know when you will be spending time together so won't have as much of an excuse for just having a chat. Maybe you can also both get headphones - her for listening to music, and you for cancelling out noise that she can't put through headphones (e.g. tv).

Did she go to uni? This smells of jealousy.

I bet she'd spend your graduation acting the proud parent.

No, she didn't go to uni or any further education last school. I think this is part of the problem that she just doesn't get it. I just didn't want to say it as I didn't want to seem like I was degrading or demeaning her.

That sounds like a hard situation for both of you. Your mum is clearly lonely and craving company and entertainment. You are focused on your dissertation (understandably)
It’s not feasible to use a communal room in a small house and demand silence, that would not work and wouldn’t be fair. Is your mum’s bedroom bigger then yours? Would it be possible to swap rooms for a few weeks so you can set up a desk in there?
Have a frank discussion with your mum but make sure that you let her know that you do want to spend time with her. Schedule regular breaks and let her know about them. Mum I’m going to work from 8-12 but then should we do something nice for lunch we can sit in the garden together. I’m going to work 2-6 but then would you like to watch a film?

How much time are you spending talking to her OP? What about a timetable, as others have suggested?

Her house, right? I would have been more sympathetic a few years ago but now I have kids in late teens/early twenties...

So @lockdowncockdown what would be your solution? If your DM can’t watch tv, or listen to music, or call anyone... what do you expect her to do all day?

"This smells jealousy"

Wow, how can you be so twisted, I am out of words. Yes, she may not understand the importance of her work, but doing things out of jealousy? Really?

Study in your bedroom. Most of us had to live in tiny student rooms on campus and managed just fine. Get some headphones and chill out.

I didn't say she couldn't listen to music, I just wish it would be a reasonable volume and I didn't say she couldn't fall anyone I was just making a point that she was bothering my sister with phone calls multiple times a day. Please don't twist my words. I have a smart tv in my bedroom that I have offered her to use but it's on the wall so can't be moved but she doesn't want to watch that one

Do you always live at home or normally away at uni?

I'm just finishing up my Master's dissertation and I'm working from home full-time, so I'm pretty much attached to my laptop all the time at the moment.

Unfortunately as others have said, you can't take over the communal areas. The dog and I have been relegated to the bedroom and I tried to work at my desk but it's much comfier on the bed, propped up on a tonne of pillows. DH has the run of downstairs and I'm using headphones because when he plays Call of Duty on the Xbox it feels like I'm working in a war zone.

It's not ideal but it's only for a couple of weeks - submission date is the light at the end of the tunnel!

You need to find a solution in your or, as pp suggested her bedroom, away from the main daytime living areas. Even if it means temporarily moving furniture out of your room, or climbing over things to get to your bed.

While I have some sympathy on the other hand - did you ask your mum if you could move back in with her or did you just assume?

Did you tell her you'd be working on your dissertation? how much of a social life does your mum usually have?

Given the amount of awful news in the UK she's probably really worried and has nobody to talk to it about if both you and your sister are constantly blanking her.

You need to have a discussion in a grown-up way about what each of you needs. But in the end, as PP said, you can only change your own behaviour. It's a hugely stressful time and you both need to compromise a bit, but you should probably expect to be the one who compromises most.

FWIW: i wrote my dissertation on a commuter train, at times sitting on the floor with my laptop. If you're going to go out into the world you're going to have to get used to noise and stuff around you.

I think it's a bit harsh that people are calling the OP a martyr/dramatic for saying she's going to try working at night - if she thinks it might work for her, then why not? Plenty of people work better at night with no disruptions if their body clocks will oblige, I was one of them myself for many years - unfortunately various health issues put the kybosh on that, but at times it's been the only way I could reliably get my work done, especially as in recent years have had to try and run a business from home with my elderly parents living with us and not understanding that 'freelance' didn't mean 'housewife who does an hour or two of work here and there'. As much as I love them, sadly working at night has sometimes been the only way to avoid multiple random requests for errands and interactions that could have waited - they just didn't get it, so in the end it just got easier to work at night rather than constantly flipping between frustration and guilt each day. (And I'm 52, not a student - I do think that some people just don't get why certain types of work need concentration, if their own work has never required it, or if they've never studied.) It does mean someone needs to be a natural night owl, or temporarily tweak their sleeping and waking hours, but it can work well.

DD and I manage to have conversations and chat while she is doing her dissertation.

@bruffin it's great that your DD is managing this, but it doesn't mean others who are studying can or should be able to do it. I'd hazard a guess that many/most people wouldn't find it possible. When I was doing my dissertation there's no way I could have chatted at the same time. I'm going back yonks here, but I remember I was always being asked to watch TV/talk to my parents at the same time as I was trying to do my student work and it led to a lot of stress.

OP it sounds like a tricky compromise. I liked a pp's suggestion of working out a rota for use of the living room - might that work? - if so, you might find it more bearable to work in the bedroom at other times if it's not for prolonged periods. I hope you manage to find a solution that works reasonably well for both you and your mum.

I imagine your Mum did not go to Uni and has no understanding of what study means. Ear defenders or cotton wool, work in your room and put a sign on your door asking her to stay out when the sign is there.

How much time are you spending talking to her OP?

OP's mum is a grown woman! Surely she can manage without conversation for the hours when OP is studying!