To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

Im a mum in a similar situation but with more space, but there are 2 of us trying to work from home and dd doing her dissertation and an essay.
DD has her headphoneson and does most of the work in the garden with a cat to distract her. Ds works in his bedroom and i am in the dining room main computer.
OP needs to work p/t from her room and put some headphones on, the little table thing linked above looks like a good idea, it really is not fair on your mum to take over all the living space all day and everyday.

Get something like this. You can work on your bed easily then. LONGKO Adjustable Ergonomic Laptop Table Desk, Laptop Holder/Notebook Stand with Mouse Board and Dual (2x) Cooling Cooler Fan - Black www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01HZ51K0Q/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_gAcNEb3173F2H?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Do you have any time that is free time when you can sit with her in the garden, watch tv together? She might be less in need of your attention if she knew some of it was coming! I don't think working morning, noon and night is the best approach. No one studies well without rest breaks.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and have a discussion. Maybe ask if you could use the front room till lunch time then go to your bedroom.

I'm going to stop reading this thread, it's bad for my blood pressure! OP your mum is behaving like a spoilt teenager. Why can't she be the one to use headphones if she wants music? No, she can't just go out, but neither can OP. And who cares if the mum is paying the bills, it's a family house and she is sabotaging her daughter's studies.

You can buy lap desks.

I wrote my dissertation on my bed as it was the only place that was big enough to have 20 plus books around me and it was away from my kids.
It wouldn't be fair to restrict their use of the house for my project.

Maybe you could do some of your work in your room and some of your work in the lounge?

Unreasonable to take over the whole house and expect your mother to be silent, not have access to TV...
If it wasn't music from your mum, could equally be noisy neighbours.

If the house is small, get a small foldable desk and upright chair and work in a bedroom - if yours is too small, ask politely if you can use her bedroom in the day. Noise cancelling headphones or earplugs.

Or move back to university accommodation.
folding desk for £20

Op work out a schedule with your mum: together block out four hours of quiet study time a day.

You’d think, of all the people in the world, your own mother would have your back and try to help you get through the business end of your degree in these shitty circumstances we are all living through.
It takes compromise though, and OP needs to talk and they can come to some sort of arrangement with her mum

I really feel for you. I'm working from home and my daughter is letting me use her room and her computer. I say "give me 2 hours' then we'll take the dog out' or 'one more hour and I'll do lunch'. It sounds like your mum's a bit needy and doesn't get it. Could you have conversation with her and agree to do something with her if she lets you work for a few hours?

Timetable

So you each get 'alone' time, working time and communal time.

And noise-cancelling headphones.

Cant you work out a rota between you both for the communal space ?

She is very needy. She has no close friends and has been ringing my sister who is a single parent trying to work from home with a 2 year old and a puppy about 5 times a day. She takes it very personally when I try and tell her to back off a bit. She grew up in a large family so says she can't live in a quiet house even though there is only her here most of the time . I think I'm just going to have to work through the night.

It’s your mums house. While she should be supportive of you working, you can’t expect her to keep silent all day every day.

I think you need to find a way of working in your room most of the time. If you need more space for something specific then let your mum know you’ll need some quiet in the living room in advance. I’m sure she won’t mind giving to peace for short periods. But you can’t take over the whole house, it’s about compromise for you both.

I think if you set yourself regular 'work' time, like 9-6 every day, with a lunch break or whatever then you and your mum would get along a lot better. It sounds like you're so on top of each other and neither of you are dealing with it well.

Instead of buying garden furniture, you would have done better buying something that helps you work in your room. There are things which will help, but the ideal is a bigger room with a desk in it and you're simply not going to have that. Nor can you take over the communal rooms and insist on silence - that wouldn't work in a shared house or student flat either.

So, disappear into your bedroom after breakfast. Come out for elevenses, and sit and chat with your mum during your work breaks. I'm sure if you're not in each others way all day then you'll find you both get along much better.

Get those noise cancelling headphones. Amazon will deliver tomorrow if you have Prime.

sorry you dont seem to have taken on board anything anyone has said, it takes two to compromise and you cant expect silence all day and everyday

I have taken on board the comments Bruffin I have said I will try and work thorough the night.

You said in your Op you are back living with your mum, in a small house, so it's your choice.

Most students have had to move back home...

It's great if she decided to suit your needs and accommodate you, but if not, it's her choice. You can choose to live elsewhere.

I hope when my daughter is uni age I am the exact opposite of you.

I have taken on board the comments Bruffin I have said I will try and work thorough the night.
That just sounds like you are being a matyr,

Your dissertation is important but you can’t expect your mum to tiptoe around you all day long. If you need to work in the front room then asking your mum if she can agree to give you the room to yourself for a few hours or get ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones do it doesn’t matter if she has the tv on.

She is silly if she keeps talking and doesn’t understand you need to work but she also doesn’t know when she can speak to you if you are claiming to study all day. You need some kind of routine that you are all aware of or go to your room and only come out when you’re not working and then she’ll know it’s ok to talk to you.

We are all adjusting to being on lockdown and I can see why your mum is frustrated feeling like she can’t even be in her own front room.

I have taken on board the comments Bruffin I have said I will try and work thorough the night.

This is a little dramatic. Just work in your room the majority of the time and arrange with your mum in advance if you need to use the living room for more space. The majority of work can be done sitting on your bed. It’s not ideal, but that’s the situation at your mums house and you knew this before you moved back there.

Do you pay her rent while staying with her? Just curious. I’d also like to hear the same story from her perspective.

Is this a reverse? You are living in her house but she has to work her life around you? Study in your room or move to your own house.

Can you move furniture, wardrobe, drawers, out of your room into your mums room or the living room temporarily so you can fit the desk into your room?

Buy a support pillow and a overbed desk. Buy headphones for the noise.

Otherwise, YABU to expect your mum to sit in silence or vacate her own living room for hours on end while you take over.

She takes it very personally when I try and tell her to back off a bit.

That is just rude, if your dsis has a problem with her mum calling that is between them, MYOB. It really does sound like you resent your mums existence in her own house!

Well, what do you suggest she do then @bruffin?

Prioritise keeping her mother company over her dissertation?

What is wrong with the amount of women wittering on here about a grown woman being ‘lonely and bored’ and ‘needing’ to make inconsiderate noise and drivel on constantly and have the tv blasting out all day long? Are you serious? Living with any of you lot must be absolute hell. Try shutting up and sitting down and calm yourselves, you’re not a 3 year old needing constant attention. Jfc.