To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

I think you need to find some level of compromise. You're stressed but your mum might be struggling too. Why not set aside some time when she can be in the living room doing what she wants, some times when the living room is your work space and some time when you all spend together. I hate a noisy environment when I'm working and noise cancelling headphones were a god send.

Ideally your mum would understand the pressure you're under but if she doesn't you have to work with the situation you're in.

People going on about getting noise cancelling headphones are also missing the point to a certain extent, to me it reads more like your mum doesn’t ‘get it’ and is annoyed that you are not available at the moment to be a companion.

Fine, get noise cancelling headphones and explain to your mother that you need X amount of time alone each day to study - then go into your room, close the door and put on the headphones.

You cannot take over her only communal room. Why should she sit in silence all day and night?!! Go to your bedroom and get a foldable table that goes over your bed. Spend an hour a day chatting with her.

You need a bed table. They are perfect because you can fold them up and they don't take up much space. Either you can sit on the bed or a chair up against the bed.

This solves your problems. There are tons on Amazon.

www.amazon.co.uk/Foldable-Portable-Standing-Breakfast-Garden-Pink-Pink/dp/B0819P1T92/ref=sr_1_9?dchild=1&keywords=bed+table&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1587289326&sr=8-9

I think your expectation of using a communal room to study in is unreasonable. Study in your room. Find a way to be comfortable enough (foldable table, using cushions, sitting on the floor).

Let your mum know in advance if you are recording something so she knows not to come in.

Can you work at night and sleep in the day? I know it's not ideal but I did most of my uni work at night as it was the only time I had peace. It's only for a couple more weeks. Keep going 😀

I think you are being selfish. If you want peace and quiet do it in your bedroom with the door closed. I used to work in my dad's car when I needed complete silence.

@Candyfloss99 but is it necessary to have the TV on 24/7 . There is no need for it. Is her mother like a small child who can’t entertain herself?!

Firstly, good luck with your dissertation. I'm a lecturer currently seeing through 8 supervisees and it's a very anxious time with all the structures they are used to having been turned completely upside down. I'm spending a lot of time simply dealing with their anxiety, as well as advising on drafts, so I know what you're currently dealing with is no walk in the park.

I'm another recommender of noise-cancelling headphones (which I now never get on a train without). Stick some classical music on to drown out noise: for some reason, when I'm working on a writing project, Mozart or Mendelssohn really help me concentrate. I think there's actually some academic evidence out there in proof of this fact, as far as Mozart's concerned at least!

The thing to remember in these situations is that you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own. It's difficult when people are being inconsiderate, and I'm also very intoleratant of other people's noise, but I know this and try to plan contingencies for it.

You can do this. Try to swallow your irritation - easier said than done I know - and channel all that negative energy into your writing up. Very best of luck with the final push.

I am sorry but you cannot take over the sitting room or the garden. You should make some sort of small desk ,tray or work area. Plenty of people study in smaller spaces than a bedroom. I am sure you have space for a chair. It is very wearing and restricting having a person studying in your home you may be surprised to hear. My sympathies are with your Mum, sorry. Without the virus she could reasonably be expecting you to live somewhere else

Both of you need to compromise. You cannot take over the communal space for study purposes all day every day. Ask her if she can give you a couple of hours a day quiet time at the table and anymore you need should be with noise cancelling headphones in your room.

Crazy ass mumsnetters. I’d do anything to help my daughter study/finish her dissertation/complete her degree/do well. Wouldn’t any normal parent?

Yes, I would sit in silence for a few weeks if need be, or hang out in my own room so my child could be comfortable and study productively.

Who ARE all you people?!

Can you get up extra early say 5am and get a good four hours in working in the living room before your mum surfaces for the day? Then in the afternoon can you do another four hours in your bedroom sitting in bed with your back against a wall? Second noise-cancelling headphones.

her house, make the room work, she has allowed you have it; make it work for you, you can. Stop infringing in her space.

Your mother sounds very inconsiderate. Let me guess, she’ll be banging on about the sacrifice she made in years to come... that is if she’s anything like mine.

I think the headphones is a good idea. What about some white background noise to drown her music out a bit? That won’t help with the recording. Perhaps you could ask her to go for a walk while you do that and call her when you’re done.

I think you both need an adult chat about how you both go about this. She seems to be pretty immature so do not be surprised if she doesn’t stick to her end of the bargain. Is there any room to work in her bedroom? If you have local Facebook, you could put a call out and see if anyone has a small desk.

I think OP's mum is allowed to feel like she's going to crack, too, if she doesn't keep moving, keep some noise going around her ... lots of people who live alone do this under 'normal' circumstances so they don't feel alone.

I think OP needs to be mindful that this isn't easy for her mum, either, it is her home, and she's also trying to keep it together herself.

OP needs to actually talk to her mum and remember they both have needs.

What about dismantling and removing the bed base and putting your mattress against the wall? Then obtaining a Small desk/ chair, which you store just outside your bedroom door when you sleep? It’s only for a few weeks.

I think both of you are wrong and both of you are correct.
So yes a normal house - parent would be more supportive but then equally child would also be considerate that they can't take over a sitting room.
That said you aren't able to change your mum's feelings and behaviours so the only thing you have control over is your own actions. In your shoes I would get the bed table and noise cancelling headphones. Get on with finishing your dissertation and when it's all over is the time to decide how or if you want to change how you interact with your mum...

YABU. No one needs complete silence to read or type. Headphones, and focus: on scoring points for your work, not against your mother.

Good luck.

Can’t believe these responses either . If my DH put Witney Houston on loud, or the World Cup, or anything I would hate it (& I am not studying for a degree).

My DS is a uni student and I fully respect he needs peace and quiet to study. My DH is WFH, I am furloughed, but that doesn’t mean I do what I want . I am very quiet doing housework etc, don’t even use the hoover if DH is working. Yes, it’s my house too but I show consideration to my loved ones.

Could you use your mothers bedroom during the day.Would a foldaway table fit in there.

Otherwise work early in the morning or during the night.

With the greatest respect, you have been mostly living away for a long time, and it isn't your home any more, it's hers. You are effectively a guest in her house, and wanting her to bend over backwards to accommodate your needs over her own.

If you were having to stay with another relative during lockdown, would you be feeling the same way? No, you wouldn't. You would respect the fact that it was someone else's house.

You’d think, of all the people in the world, your own mother would have your back and try to help you get through the business end of your degree in these shitty circumstances we are all living through.

It’s only a few weeks of sacrifice , then she’s got the next 40 years to witter on about her lawn mower and have TVs blaring in every room of the house if she likes, knowing her child got her degree and is now set up in a successful career.
Yes, it’s her absolute right to do as she likes in her own home, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not being selfish carrying in as she is.

You said in your Op you are back living with your mum, in a small house, so it's your choice. You are an adult, and choose to move back with your mum, in her house. It's great if she decided to suit your needs and accommodate you, but if not, it's her choice. You can choose to live elsewhere.

Presumably it's your mums house and your mum who pays the bills. In which case you shouldn't be taking over the living room anyway. What do you expect her to do while you want to spend all day every day writing your dissertation in the main living room of the house? Do you expect her to sit in her bedroom? The garden if she's lucky enough for the weather to be nice? Don't be ridiculous. You have to work around what your mum wants to do. It's her house. Do your work in your bedroom, take plenty of breaks to stretch so your back doesn't hurt. Problem solved.