To think she's being selfish?

[lockdowncockdown]

I am a third year university student trying to write a dissertation and I am living back with my mum in a small house with a tiny bedroom with not enough room for a desk and one sitting room. I feel my mum is being very selfish and inconsiderate to my needs in an already stressful situation. I am working in the sitting room the majority of the time and I am having to ask her if she could please turn the television down as I am trying to work, it is running all day and evening and half of the time she walks away but still insists she is watching it. She then stomps off at 7pm to bed as I am 'taking over the sitting room so she might as well go to bed. This morning at 9am she was blasting out music on a google speaker as I was trying to work and when I politely asked her if she could turn it down she accused me of wanting to live in a morgue like environment with no noise and if I was going to cope in the real world I need to learn to live with noise. The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever as I didn't want to engage in conversation whilst concentrating on something. The final straw the other day was when I was recording an audio presentation and she walks in trying to tell me something about her lawn mower. My anxiety levels are though the roof am I being unreasonable to want her to just be a little more understanding for a couple of weeks whilst I finish my dissertation?

The other day she accused me of having no conversation or social skills whatsoever

I also meant to add that it's not acceptable for her to put you down just because the current situation is stressful for her.

Op best of luck in your dissertation I hope it all goes well for you especially under these circumstances

It is more simple than you think,

1. you need to get some good earplugs (I happen to have a bag so can post some to you if you need to),
2. talk to her and explain you need to concentrate on this as you don’t want to throw away the work and £££ of three years so you will work when she is asleep. You will sleep in the morning and you have time to catch up with her in the afternoons (when she is at her noisiest)

That’s how my husband and I survived our dissertations/thesis and each other while living in the same house with a toddler.

bringincrazyback But OP is working morning, noon and night! So telling her mum she's looking forward to an hour or so relaxing with her in the garden that afternoon - well would that not benefit both of them? On other threads people get sympathy for how they are coping under lockdown. I can't imagine what it would be like to be living alone just now, but I suspect it might be worse to be living with someone who expected you not to do the things that normally entertain you in the house (given you can't go out or see friends) and resented your presence. They need to talk it through.

I’ve been in a similar situation OP, and whilst it would be nice to think that a parent could make a small sacrifice and keep the noise down, clearly your mum can’t manage it.

I think the idea of studying through the night is a good one. I did that many times, and still do if I have work related training I have to do at home. (House full of kids and pets nowadays).

And I will add to those saying. Noise cancelling headphones. Preferably some ostentatiously big ones that say ‘I CANT HEAR YOU’. And also use a white noise app. Utter lifesaver.

Ps. We also had a couple of things to put in the door when we didn’t want to have someone talking to us.

Tbh, this thread is posted on AIBU, so there's nothing wrong with people saying OP is BU.
This could have been easily posted on other more relevant board, but OP chose AIBU. Why would you, if you are not expecting negative view? And tbh, I don't think anyone was being horrible to Op, despite it's on AIBU.

Please forgive me if this hits a raw nerve, but do you have a relationship with your father? Would it be possible to stay with him to do your work?

I wonder if your mum has put money towards your university education? That might concentrate her mind on supporting you. If this was my daughter I'd be trying to support you in the horrible task of writing a dissertation however I could

Agree with @Zaphodsotherhead - I also write for a living and do a lot of it in bed when other people are in the house. You shouldn't be hunched over if you sort your pillows out properly (I sit on one, have several behind, and have my laptop on a Belkin cushtop). Noise cancelling headphones will fix the Whitney Houston problem in a jiffy. Regardless of who's being selfish, short-term it's you with the problem you need to solve and she's not going have a personality transplant so you need to control what you can and try to get along in such a small space.

Bruffin

As i said above she does a lot in the garden with headphones on, atm as the weather has been lovely.

OP has tried the garden already. Her mum came out to be with her.

I’m in a very similar situation myself, and i’ve started working through the night and sleeping in the morning. I’m a key worker anyway working nightshifts alongside my studies so it’s not too bad. But I completely feel your pain OP. I’ve been left with no support or advice for my dissertation so I’m feeling very stressed, along with a family who have no idea what I’ve done for 4 years at uni, and really don’t get it.
I can’t believe some of the responses here, don’t feel obligated to entertain your mum when you have a lot of work to do.

i can't believe some of the responses you're getting on here.

Me neither. My DS is also writing his dissertation and I will do whatever it takes to facilitate him doing so in what is a less than ideal situation. It's a few weeks, hardly difficult to accommodate the need for peace and somewhere to study.

bringincrazyback But OP is working morning, noon and night! So telling her mum she's looking forward to an hour or so relaxing with her in the garden that afternoon - well would that not benefit both of them?

Ideally, of course. But if OP hasn't the time to stop at the moment, she hasn't the time. Presumably she's working to a pressing deadline - I remember when I was doing my dissertation, apart from food and sleep there were a few weeks when I had zero spare time. None.

I also write for a living and do a lot of it in bed when other people are in the house.

Reading this kind of thing makes me feel so much better about the fact that most of my best writing gets done in bed.

Sorry to hear you are finding it difficult. My daughter is writing her dissertation as well. She is working in her bedroom even though she could work downstairs, but she finds having other people around a distraction. She wears noise cancelling earphones so that any noise doesn’t distract her. Is this something you can do?

You're both being unsupportive of each other. She needs to realise that this is her kid, whose future is riding on this piece of work, and you need to realise that we're all stuck at home, trying to keep our own anxiety in check with whatever method works.

Someone (you by the look of it) needs to call a truce and get you both to sit down and talk about it, make some compromises, and get some sort of plan formulated for the next few weeks whilst you complete it.

Get a desk for your bedroom, you can get ones that fold up flat to the wall when your not using them.

Bringingcrazyback
I work as an assistant accountant, I did it at home with a new born and a 2 year old a lot of it in the middle of the night ,
OP has gone for the least practical solutions and completely ignored other advice which makes lot more sense.
I'm not saying chatting and talking all day we just find time for it, not sure why OP can't find time for a 10 minute chat every so often. I suspect if Op worked at night she would still want her mum to be silent during the day so she can sleep
It's bad for everyone atm being shut in and it takes 2 to compromise, or in our house up to 4 at the weekend.

You are both being selfish and need to compromise. It sounds like you are expecting your mum to tiptoe around you all day and night. It's her home which you have decided to move into and you have taken over the living room. That said, she should be more supporting of you.

SoupDagon, but does OP's mum truly understands that? That it's only few weeks?
I would be the same as you, I will do anything for my dc. But not everyone's priority is the same, and even so especially if you don't have great communications.

Christ she’s putting a roof over your head and yes you sound smug and judgey about fact she didn’t do any higher education
You both need to compromise somewhere before you fall out but I do think it’s her home and you should be a bit more respectful

Can you work in your bed with pillows propped up behind you and then find a happy medium with your mum. Hope it all works out for you and wish you the very best with your dissertation and degree

I don’t think this is about whether OP’s mum went to uni. I think it must be difficult if OP is in the living area ALL DAY.

Do you have breaks OP? Watch any TV? Make a call? Tbh I think you absolutely should as it might help you concentrate to have breaks BUT if you are then it will be difficult for your mum to know when you’re working and when you’re not if you spend all your time in the living area. There must be some time when you a can have a conversation with her.

Tbh regarding her comments on your social skills, I wonder how you are talking to her, then she does disturb you. I wonder how you have explained to her that you need time. I wonder whether you have shown any empathy or appreciation at all for her position because it certainly hadn’t shown on this thread.

No stay in your room or swop rooms with her and have bigger room

Don't take over the house
Sit on your bed