Multiple children

[UnaCorda]

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

My mother was the youngest of ten by five years. She was OK but her older brothers and sisters remembered extremely hard times and that their mum had a very hard life. Not one of them had lots of children, mainly one or two, three if an accident. Who could blame them?

I would say three children max, preferably two, is what should be encouraged.

I am one of 4 and when I was a child (1960s) that didn't seem like a big family.

I'd probably have had 4 children myself in ideal circumstances. However, I had my first at 36 and my 2nd at 38 and my husband is 10 years older than I am. We therefore stopped at two. I loved the baby and toddler stage and, though in some ways I'd have liked more, it was nevertheless the right decision.

I have three. I would love a fourth but ultimately we’ve decided against it. I want the kids to have their own bedroom, I don’t want a 7 seater car, and to be honest with three I am scrambling around. Plus, I’m a darker thought process, my OCD and anxiety seems to increase each time. I have a child, maybe it’s the extra love, another person to worry about etc. I love kids, I love having children but I honestly just don’t think I’d ever stop if I just went off my own desire for another!

I’m typing One handed and breastfeeding In the dark, so ignore all my errors in spelling etc

@Ulver you are talking crap. What evidence or research do you base such a offensive statement about Northern Ireland on?!

As someone from Northern Ireland I have never heard such utter drivel about one community being encouraged to 'outbreed' the other.

Because people don't care. They just WANT and NEED to have more and that's all they can think about. I think any uncomfortable feelings , impact on planet etc. , must be squashed down or as above , they don't care. I don't understand it myself.

Because people don't care. They just WANT and NEED to have more

You're right - I certainly didn't and don't care what you or others think of my decision to create a family of six well looked after, well provided for and well turned out DC's.

Because people don't care.

They don't care about what YOU think is right, that's for sure. They just don't have to

They care about more important things.

@starlightgazers @OneandTwenty

I wouldn't expect you to care what I think. I'm a stranger on the Internet.

I feel irritated that people here are advocating for families of 2/3. Shouldn't it be a woman's choice to choose for herself? Why do we all need to have the same cookie cutter families just because it's deemed affordable for the average person to have 2 children?

Because people don't care. They just WANT and NEED to have more and that's all they can think about.

Ultimately I think the explanation is that simple, I agree.

and did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three?

I really wanted a boy. Just kept going till I had one. Had to have 3 girls first but we got there in the end. Is that what you are expecting to hear?

No! We decided we wanted a big family, spoke about it before we got married and both said we wanted 4/5 . I would have another one if I could, but I was quite ill after the last one (no problems before) and have been told it would be dangerous to have another So definitely no more for us.
DH has a good job, I’m a stay at home mum at the moment and won’t go back to work until all the kids are at school, even then it will be part time working from home. All the kids have their own bedrooms, we have holidays, savings for the them when they are older, we have private healthcare.
I don’t think my child miss out on anything. I am there every morning with them all, every night at bed time. Every school play, sports day cheering them on from the sideline. I make time for each child. Whether it’s baking cakes, reading a story or building a den. We do things separate and we also do things altogether. Every night we sit down for dinner together and each take time to talk about our days. I have a date night with my eldest daughter every 2 weeks, we sometimes go out for dinner or the pictures, we sometimes stay in for a girlie iN. My DH is very hands on too which helps in giving each of us one on one time. It isn’t easy but I wouldnt change it in the slightest. My children are happy, Healthy, loved, and they will have each other for long after we have gone. and I’ve got 3 girls to wipe my arse when I’m old and unable

PP said that we are taking out more than we put in? My sister in law doesn’t have children. Does that mean that I can use her ‘pot’ for 2 of mine? Because her and her husband both pay in and they have no children to put through school or to use the NHS service?
Although, my children will all eventually pay back into said ‘pot’ through their own NI and tax, so I’m sure it will all even up in the future.

I was one of 4 growing up. I love my siblings, we had a fantastic childhood and we are still really close now. I never felt left out or anything. I felt very loved and protected.
My parents were both one of 8. I can always remember being around cousins and aunts and uncles growing up. It was wonderful.

We have four. I absolutely love being a parent. I honestly didn’t realise how amazing it’d be until it happened. My DH is a great dad, and I count myself very lucky each day for them all. My body isn’t too bad - I am quite an active person and in normal times I do Pilates 3/4 x a week (it’s more baking and eating at the moment though )

We won’t be having more, but I suppose everyone’s got different points of view on this. What is apparent is if you have none you are judged, if you have one people ask when you are having another, if you have two the same sex people ask if you are going to try for the opposite, if you have 3+ the get a TV jokes come out.

In theory I would like a big family 4+.

The things that stopped me at 2:
Pregnancy and the toll on my body
Loads of breastfeeding complications with no 2
Both kids have been hideous sleepers
No extended family back up
We both have jobs with communtes/ long hours
I don't think I could spread myself any thinner
DH doesn't want anymore
In this new dystopian covid 19 world we live in I have felt guilty for bringing any children into what seems such an in certain future and providing for them.

Each to there own. If I was a SAHM I would be tempted.

"Having multiple siblings must be lovely not just in childhood but throughout life
Wrong, ive been estranged since 15, im now 32, my brother lives somewhere in SA
My dp has 2 brothers, only gets along with 1, as in we DO NOT attend any family thing where disliked brother is there, do separate Christmas and easter

Considering what we now know about the climate, It's extremely irresponsible and selfish to have more than two children. I think that as time goes on, it will become more and more socially unacceptable to have large families, and rightly so imo.

Depends i think its more on a families actual actions, there many families of 2 or more kids that live way more enviro friendly than us with our only child.
Everything we do is based on price, convenience and enjoyment.

I have 3. I find the idea of having more than 10 for eg utterly ridiculous. 3 is a handful. My first 2 are older now 13 and 11 youngest 3. I'm stressed trying to sort 2 with school work, keep a 3 year old out of trouble and my husband working upstairs. I definitely wouldn't want anymore than that.

You're not looking for "people's thoughts and explanations" after all, are you @UnaCorda.

I don't think it's so peculiar to be interested in and curious about something that's outside your own experience, is it?
Disingenuous in the extreme.

I would have liked one or two children, but can't see the appeal of more than that as it seems to me that life would become purely about childcare and its associated drudgery for several years.

I can compare the lives of my two siblings (one has one child, the other has five under 10) and know whose life I'd choose.
You already have an inkling of what something that's outside of your own experience is like because your siblings have children.

In fact, you have your mind made up as to the lifestyle you would prefer thanks to observing your two siblings' families.

There was absolutely no need to canvass the opinion of MN on this topic.

I have a 2 year old and expecting another, today, actually.

I always said I'd like 3 children, I am one of three but throughout this pregnancy I've very much known this will be our last. Both my pregnancies have been difficult and I found newborn days really hard the first time as well, toddlerhood? Love it. I cannot wait to have two small children running around, and who knows, maybe I'll find babyhood a little easier now I'm already a mum this time. But I can't see myself wanting to do it a third time.

I also have an older step-child; 13. I'd never want to not have space in our house for him, so if we were to have another, we'd have to have a bigger house and I don't know if I could justify us being tight on money to pay such a big mortgage for the sake of my step-son perhaps only coming now and again as he gets older over the coming years.

Would I be 'allowed' to have a large family if I didn't own a car and didn't fly?

That's a very snippy post mathanxiety.

I am finding the different responses on here fascinating. I expect people with large families would find our lifestyle too quiet, ordered and "sterile".

It suits us. The only time I wish there were more of us is at Christmas and New Year, but that is because we live miles away from our families.

Ginfordinner I have seen many a thread here descend into shitting on larger families and the women who have chosen them from a great height.

My post includes quotes from the OP herself, proving my point that this is nothing but an open invitation to continue the tradition. She can deny her intentions all she likes, but her own posts and many, many others here support my suspicions.

I wonder how people cope with multiple children, one has been a challenge for me

@UnaCorda You have clearly written this post because to make yourself feel better.

Looking at your PPs, it’s obvious you would really like to meet someone and have children, so you want to hear negative things about larger families due to some bitterness you have. This isn’t healthy.

Finances and environment aside, the element of having a large family I couldn't grapple with personally was having enough time to curate 1:1 relationships with each child, between each parent, while maintaining and preserving a relationship with my husband. We both work full time so I never felt I could manage that with 3 children, never mind more if I was a SAHM perhaps 3 would be possible. I also love having time to myself, it just would not be possible to give the children the attention I want to give, while maintaining time for myself and husband with more than 2 kids with the lifestyle we have.

I've always felt my children benefit more from more time with DH and me rather than additional siblings, with financial factors then added in I could never justify an additional sibling as being in the best interests of the 2 children we have or for the family as a whole.

That said, I love the idea of 3+ adult children, but not willing to make the 18 years of sacrifice prior to that! But all this is very personal to my own preferences, I understand the appeal of the hustle and bustle of a busier family if you have a different personality.

Squeekums, I'm sure there are many people in large families who have great relationships with their adult siblings