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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
StarsAndSnow · 19/04/2020 16:55

Haven't rtft

I have 4 children
Because I like lots of people around me
Because I love babies and I love watching them grow into their own little person
Environmental issues didn't put me off, we don't fly, ever, we only drive once a week for 20 minutes
We eat minimal meat
2 would have been more sensible but I've never been sensible

Original poster
UnaCorda · 19/04/2020 17:11

2 would have been more sensible but I've never been sensible

Grin
OP posts:
LegoBloodyHurts · 19/04/2020 17:34

Every few years a post like this pops up on here like this. Usually started by a bitter single woman

User202004 · 19/04/2020 17:40

@LegoBloodyHurts nice Hmm

StarsAndSnow · 19/04/2020 17:41

In all honesty though, I obviously wouldn't change them for the world. But I do think I would have been happier, thinner, have more money and confidence and a better lifestyle if I had 2.
But, going from my own experience (I'm one of 5) it will improve once they're older (and some leave home 😂)

Crystal87 · 19/04/2020 17:42

I've got four. I always felt an urge to get pregnant again. It was almost like a need to have hold of a newborn again. Once I had four it just went and I felt as though as I was done and I no longer feel the need to have another baby. I don't think I would feel fulfilled with one or two kids, I'd probably still be longing for more.

BeijingBikini · 19/04/2020 17:43

What jobs do people do that they can work 2/3 days a week and afford a 5 bed house with 4 kids?!?

We work full time, no kids, and can barely afford a 2-bed house.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 19/04/2020 17:44

Usually started by a bitter single woman

Ouch Grin

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/04/2020 17:44

We have 2 because I couldn't have any more. I'd have loved another one or two DC but life gives what it gives and the DC I have are lovely (mostly).

I don't think threads like this often bring a great deal of good to the world. People's families are different, people's priorities are different, people's happiness is different. I don't think it's appropriate to try and denigrate or make assumptions about other people's family choices simply because they're different to mine.

stayathomer · 19/04/2020 17:49

User202004 it's true they don't get the same 1 on 1 attention for everything, but for things like schoolwork and hygiene I do make sure they do. It means having one do certain homework while I read with one, or having another colouring or something while with another, but I feel so strongly about it so I do. Myself and dh stay up late with a different one of the older ones once a week, and do a playground time etc with one of the younger ones at a time. We also play a lot of draughts and chess in this house so that helps!! But no, we don't spend the same amount of time individually, but it's made up so far with big family games of chasing or football, which we join in with when we can. I'm a sahm though so that helps!

Original poster
UnaCorda · 19/04/2020 17:51

Every few years a post like this pops up on here like this. Usually started by a bitter single woman

May your feet be bare and your path be strewn with Lego. Grin

OP posts:
stayathomer · 19/04/2020 17:51

We work full time, no kids, and can barely afford a 2-bed house.

Could it be a location thing? Honestly meant! We live in Ireland down the country and bought a house for 120k before that we were always renting out the country and paid less than half what people in the capital paid

ColourMyDreams · 19/04/2020 18:25

@BeijingBikini My husband was in the armed forces so we lived in MQ which were always an adequate size for us.

Yerroblemom1923 · 19/04/2020 19:47

I also have no idea how I could love another child as much as my dd. She would always be my favourite.

Desiringonlychild · 19/04/2020 20:32

@BeijingBikini I am in the same situation as you. Combined income of £74k, could barely afford to buy a 2 bed flat in London zone 3. Have to be on £100k-120k to afford £1600 per month childcare for 1 child.

It depends on when you bought property. If you bought 10 years ago or even earlier, you benefitted from the property price increases, could upsize and then could afford 5 bed house. Location does play a part. A lot of families do struggle.

I asked my rabbi who is in her 60s how she raised her own children 30 years ago. She said 'my entire salary went on paying a girl to look after the children and maybe food. My husband didn't earn much and we had a mortgage. We didn't go on overseas holidays, just the seaside.' she lives in a very large house today (5 bedrooms, expensive area of North London, would be £3 million today). It probably wasn't such a sought after area in her day. It was difficult even in those times

cherrybunx0 · 19/04/2020 21:02

@LegoBloodyHurts that's so rude and unnecessary.

I too am sometimes curious as to why some people have many children and why some choose not to (unless of course you sadly cant) - its interesting that we're all different, variety is a good thing. oh and I'm not a bitter single woman lol

BeijingBikini · 19/04/2020 21:05

Yes, it is location - we live in a nice town in a Home county and a decent 2 bed flat is 300k. You can get a 2/3 bed house for

Elllicam · 19/04/2020 21:22

@beijingbikini we are in Scotland, we bought a couple of years ago. I’m a nurse (2 12 hour shifts a week) and my husband is a nursing home manager. Our house was £240k for 5 beds.

Ginfordinner · 19/04/2020 21:37

Because people don't care. They just WANT and NEED to have more and that's all they can think about

I think that just about sums it up. Some people enjoy the chaos and noise a house full of children brings, and some of us don’t. We are all different.

mathanxiety · 20/04/2020 04:17

Agree, LegoBloodyHurts.

So many rude and unnecessary insults directed at mothers of larger families here...

corythatwas · 20/04/2020 11:06

I actually I was genuinely surprised by some of these comments on various threads - I would have assumed that hardly anyone felt incapable of managing their own children.

Not sure you quite understand what this site does. It is, as much as anything else, a place where people can relieve their feelings when they're having a bad day, where they can ask advice during a temporary blip, say things they would never say in real life. It is also of course the one place where people can go who have great and serious problems- so the proportions are likely to be screwed in terms of parental experience. A lot of our regulars first found MN when they were looking for support as parents of a child with SN, so again, proportions probably not that representative of society at large.

Since you mentioned mountain-climbing, OP, I have done a fair bit of hillwalking in my day. And yes, there have been moments where I've felt I can't go on, I am just going to have to sit down here forever, I am cold and wet and miserable and my blisters are bleeding. Moments where the actual reality didn't correspond to the map, moments where my own reactions were not what I had foreseen, moments where it was pretty evident that I was lost and needed to rethink. Yet in my heart of hearts I knew I that I was doing this because I loved what I was doing and where I was.

It's the same in my job: I did a PhD and am now doing research. Times when I absolutely hate the dreariness of the journey- and then times when I see the rewards, and underlying it all a feeling that this is what I always wanted to do.

To me, having children has been like that: moments where it has felt like WHY DID I EVER UNDERTAKE THAT?- which is where Mumsnet has been an enormous support- and an underlying knowledge that this is totally where I want to be.

It's not necessarily to do with the number of children, I don't think: you will find people on MN who are off-loading about their problems with their single child.

I imagine my mother had 4 children (including one who arrived with some baggage and needed very careful parenting), because in heart of hearts she knew she would be good at it. I am sure she never imagined it wouldn't be hard work, but some people thrive on hard work. We are talking a woman who in her late 80s still insists on dragging all her book-cases out to dust behind them. Doing less work isn't really something she would see as a bonus.

tillytoodles1 · 20/04/2020 12:00

I'm one of five brought up in a three bedroomed house and I hated being part of a largish family. I have two children because I wanted to make sure we had comfortable life, not a noisy, crowded one.

Emmapeeler1 · 20/04/2020 14:00

I also have no idea how I could love another child as much as my dd. She would always be my favourite.

This assumes that love is finite when it actually expands. I felt like this when pregnant with DC2 but couldn't love my DC2 more (just like I feel about DC1) For me, time is what I feel another child would lack, but not love, which would be easy.

funinthesun19 · 20/04/2020 14:10

I always Grin at people who moan about families with 3 or more children, and yet they’ve popped out 1 or 2 themselves.
1 or 2 more than the Earth can deal with and all that. Grin Fucking hypocrites. Having children isn’t a right and it’s bad for the environment but yet there you are with your 2 sprogs.

BertieBotts · 20/04/2020 14:20

In environmental terms, unless you're going for the argument that nobody should have children at all (which is unsustainable for other reasons) it actually doesn't especially matter if an individual family has a large number of children, what matters is the overall average number of children per woman. In most rich countries this is already manageable and the population will eventually stabilise.