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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Multiple children

423 replies

UnaCorda · 17/04/2020 21:03

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
ColourMyDreams · 19/04/2020 10:26

@Squeekums As I said earlier in the thread, I have 11 kids, all adults now. Prior to lockdown there was always one or the other of them here, including their spouses and the grandkids.
We are a close family who communicate with each other daily.
We are using zoom at the moment until the lockdown is over.
I communicate with my parents daily and my siblings most days.
You can't judge all large families on your own personal experience.

lucie8881 · 19/04/2020 10:28

I agree with @mathanxiety

"Because people don't care. They just WANT and NEED to have more and that's all they can think about.
^
Ultimately I think the explanation is that simple, I agree.^"

I think that sums up OPs intentions, not really a quest for enlightenment it would seem.

Umnoway · 19/04/2020 10:30

I’m pregnant with our fifth and final baby. We have a large home and enough money to adequately care for them so I don’t think we’re particularly irresponsible.

I just always dreamed of having a large family. My family life was not very warm or loving so perhaps that is why, I’m not sure. I love having children, I’ve always enjoyed pregnancy too.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 19/04/2020 11:34

I agree with @mathanxiety too. This thread was just a way to express the opinion that people who have more than (insert op’s opinion on the ‘right’ amount here) are feckless. If you don’t want more kids then don’t have them. Debate over.

BossAssBitch · 19/04/2020 11:46

@formerbabe

I have 5 DC, all 10 years old and younger and I am loving life

^ This would honestly make me so depressed and stressed

Me too, it sounds like utter drudgery to me Confused

BeijingBikini · 19/04/2020 14:22

Yes a "busy chaotic house full of noise and laughter" would probably drive me to jump off the balcony, but we're all different eh!

BeijingBikini · 19/04/2020 14:23

I like a quite tidy house with dead silence or house music, lol. 1 kid max!

Macncheeseballs · 19/04/2020 14:57

People with one kid are always looking for play dates

Desiringonlychild · 19/04/2020 15:13

@Macncheeseballs well it's easier to search for playdates than search for money/a bigger house/time (esp if you have a busy job).

stickygotstuck · 19/04/2020 15:20

I for one think it's been a fascinating thread. Always interesting to hear the motivation of people choosing to live life differently to yours.

I do think many ops with larger families have been very defensive.

And I do believe that ultimately people go have or not have kids because they want to. It's always a "selfish" decision. As all highly personal decisions should be. You can only base your life on your own experiences. I cannot seem why some OPs see that as personal attack.

stickygotstuck · 19/04/2020 15:20

*people DO have or not have kids

Yerroblemom1923 · 19/04/2020 15:28

No idea. My body is ruined and we can only afford one. So that's that. I have no idea how parents afford several at uni etc. We are lucky though as she is the child we v much wanted.

Mary46 · 19/04/2020 15:36

My friend had 3 in college. I have 2 kids. Def expensive both at secondary her books were close to 200 pounds. All new edition books. Find 2 is costly as they older.

stayathomer · 19/04/2020 16:15

I have 4 children, there was 4 in my family growing up. Husband came from a family of 4 too. We've had low points financially when I left work but now a lot of loans are gone and I'm back earning a little we're fine. When teachers say 'I know it's hard because you've 3 other children' I'd always tell them everyone should get the same attention as if they were an only child. My db has 2 and dbil has 2 too and they have very quiet organised houses but they're quiet organised people. Me and ds have 4 but we thrive on noise business and chaos. To each their own!! And everyone being snipey come on, there's no right or wrong answer to this

GlummyMcGlummerson · 19/04/2020 16:17

A very brave post OP, I've often thought myself what possesses people to have so many kids. Especially when lockdown happened I saw so many posts of "I have 7 kids how will I cope" - well I hate to say it but maybe adverse situations is something should consider before having so many kids 🤷‍♀️

Paulmaicock · 19/04/2020 16:18

Part of the planets problem is the massive population and the limited resources. Great if you like a large family. How would it be if I said I like to have a large sports car?

Do we really need more than two kids to a family now?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 19/04/2020 16:20

@Paulmaicock agree completely - part of the reason I hide not to have more than 2 is because of the impact on the environment. I'm always a bit Hmm when you see a blogger or celeb talking about saving the planet, and they have 4 kids. Undoubtedly the worst thing any one person can do for the planet is to procreate 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
UnaCorda · 19/04/2020 16:25

A very brave post OP, I've often thought myself what possesses people to have so many kids. Especially when lockdown happened I saw so many posts of "I have 7 kids how will I cope" - well I hate to say it but maybe adverse situations is something should consider before having so many kids.

It won't go down well for me to say this, but I've been astonished by the number of people who seem to be struggling to cope with just two children. Those keen to take offence will see that remark as wholly judgmental, but I actually I was genuinely surprised by some of these comments on various threads - I would have assumed that hardly anyone felt incapable of managing their own children.

OP posts:
HelloItsmeAgain1 · 19/04/2020 16:26

I would love 4. For some reason I've always loved the idea of a big family, loads of different personalities, a chance to experience each sex. I suppose this stems from wanting lots of happy children to be able to play together and have a nice life. Probably too many stories and films.
I doubt it will happen in reality due to stress money.

It depends what makes your world go round op. I can't imagine not having kids. For some, they can't imagine not owning a certain property or making it in a certain job.

bluebeck · 19/04/2020 16:26

I only have two DC but really wish I had had more. I think I started too late Grin

However, I am one of six children and absolutely loved coming from a large family. I feel very protected by my siblings, we all love and support each other and I think I get a lot of my confidence from being one of six.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 19/04/2020 16:31

In fact, you have your mind made up as to the lifestyle you would prefer thanks to observing your two siblings' families.

Yes, I have, but the point of this thread (whatever some people might think) was to try to understand the appeal to other people of having a large or very large family, not to decide what I would have hypothetically chosen for myself. Just as I might be interested to understand what drives someone to climb a treacherous face of a mountain, or sail round the world - things I can't imagine doing in a million years.

OP posts:
User202004 · 19/04/2020 16:34

I'd always tell them everyone should get the same attention as if they were an only child.

I applaud the sentiment but this just simply can't happen. Ok you can't compare families really because the amount of attention each parent dishes out will vary and some parents of 6 children may well each each child more attention than another parent with 1 child. But I simply don't believe you give each of your 4 children the same amount of attention as you would if you had only of had one, not quality 1:1 time, I'm sure others believe the other benefits like time with siblings would make up for that, and that's fine, but let's not kid ourselves that we would give every child the same level of attention no matter how many we had. In just the same way we applaud smaller classrooms, it's always each to give attention to fewer children.

Bloatstoat · 19/04/2020 16:41

I've found responses very interesting too.

I have 2 children, sadly one miscarriage and it took me a long time to fall pregnant each time. I would love more, but nearing 40 and with the current situation I can't see it happening for me unfortunately.

My mum was one of 10, 2 of whom sadly died at birth. She has fond memories of growing up in a big family, but it had a huge impact physically and emotionally on my grandmother. When my mum told my grandmother she was pregnant with her 3rd child, she said my grandmother just burst into tears, she was so worried and couldn't understand why my mum would go through another pregnancy if she didn't have to. I do think at least now in this country (for the most part, I know some women are in abusive relationships) it is a great thing that more children are a choice, a couple of generations back it wasn't.

Elllicam · 19/04/2020 16:47

I have 4 kids 7 and under and love it. They all get on well and play together. We have enough room (5 bed house) and I only work 2 days a week and my husband works 3 so we get enough 1-1 time.

SilverOtter · 19/04/2020 16:51

I have 2 and won't be having any more. Part of me would love another but my husband is dead against it.
Additionally I'm in the middle of a really intense university degree course, as I'm switching careers. I had my second son in the middle of my first degree, and just can't face that again.
By the time I'm trained and working full time I'll probably be too old, and I can't see my husband coming round to it anywaySad

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