Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
wildcherries · 17/04/2020 20:47

The fact that he acted strange when bumping into her is suspicious - why would he do that if it's only a friend? She asks for money, and he sends her about ten times as much?! I'd have a serious conversation. Unfortunately, I'm leaning towards there being a child as well. I'm sorry. But talk to him.

Ummusomebody · 17/04/2020 20:48

Just another thought OP. Could it be a money scam (relationship scam) where someone from another country is maybe in trouble and needs some money. Then eventually money gets bigger, story changes, etc. It's just the fact you mentioned Western Union, it's a red flag as usually difficult to trace. Still didn't explain why he will be hiding the phone or even sending 1k without discussing it.
Flowers

wildcherries · 17/04/2020 20:50

Could it be a money scam (relationship scam) where someone from another country is maybe in trouble and needs some money. It's just the fact you mentioned Western Union

Good point.

MondeoFan · 17/04/2020 20:51

Would you not notice that a £1,000 was missing from your joint account? Maybe he withdrew in drips and drabs so join didn't notice

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2020 20:52

I'm with Hedgehog. Before you confront him, I'd get all my ducks in a row financially speaking. Lists of accounts, balances, passwords, etc. And I'd snoop and see if I could find any records about what appears to be a secret account.

Do you have access to family finances? Passwords? Can you check the past 6 months worth of withdrawals? Are you financially dependent on him?

And finally, I'd open my own account somewhere in case I suddenly had to move 1/2 of the finances for my own financial security.

Thing is, this is going to be a shit storm any way you slice it. Best be prepared.

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 20:59

He could be doing someone a philanthropic good, so find out before judging

Haha I see you have a secret Mumsnet account as well as a secret phone Grin

justasking111 · 17/04/2020 21:00

A friends son had a venezuelan girlfriend who would do this, send money for x y z reasons. She even came to the UK. Once she had bled him dry, she blocked him.

Justaboy · 17/04/2020 21:01

I can't think of a single, legitimate reason that he would need another phone.

I've got one as a backup spare and it does get used a bit, not to any women who need a few quid either!

Apart from the DD's but they have other means of extorting loot!

crustycrab · 17/04/2020 21:01

@Marshmallow91 I did wonder if it could possibly be the same person.

The woman I know is in the UK at the moment though, her child is on her fbook page too so unless it was her and she'd blocked OP it would be obvious. The child looks the spit of the dad.

The 5 kids include twins around 2/3 years old OP if that could rule you out?

StoneofDestiny · 17/04/2020 21:04

Ask him
Phone her - ask her

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 21:06

Sorry realised my last message sounded jokey but that was directed at the ridiculous suggestion of another poster, not towards you - you poor thing, what a horrible gutpunch stuff like this is I really hope you're ok 😔

hesgotit · 17/04/2020 21:13

This is awful, I'm sorry.

KitKat1985 · 17/04/2020 21:13

I'm sorry OP but it does sounds like he's having an affair. Flowers You need to get your ducks in a row (move all the money in your joint account asap!) and then confront the bastard.

Anotheruser02 · 17/04/2020 21:15

Gaslighting arsehole, listen to the wise ones who have been there about getting proof of financials. Good luck OP. Flowers

Cryalot2 · 17/04/2020 21:16

Just read this and all I can say is that it is awful for you and I am so sorry. Flowers I hope that for your own sake that you find out the truth soon.
I honesty hope it is innocent .
Wishing you all the best.x

HavenDilemma · 17/04/2020 21:22

@Sandpaperkisses357 Are you not going to confront him? Flowers

Nelliana · 17/04/2020 21:23

I'm sorry op. I found secret phone that my now ex husband had. It wasn't good. I would start collecting evidence before confronting him.

ferntwist · 17/04/2020 21:35

Sounds bad OP. Really feel for you. To have a second phone shows he has a very devious nature, especially as he was happy to lie to your face about the messages not being from a woman until you showed him her WhatsApp picture.

Branleuse · 17/04/2020 21:41

it doesnt take a detective to work out hes having an affair.
Im sorry OP. Dont forget, you always have choices. Youd get the house, youd also get money off him and benefits if you needed to, or housing benefit if you needed to rent

Jeaniealogy · 17/04/2020 21:41

Absolutely gather your evidence, set up your own bank acc if you dont already have one, get some funds moved over to your account quickly and look for any secret accounts he might have: Have a good look through any electronic devices/laptops etc for any unusual activity. Be prepared when you confront him and have some emergency planning in case he reacts violently (me Ex H did when I discovered his affair with his best mates wife) I would say it's 99% unlikely to be an innocent explanation so please protect yourself physically and emotionally.

JeSuisPoulet · 17/04/2020 21:45

I was just wondering today how many secret phones are being discovered in lockdown Sad So sorry to hear he's been a dick.

I'd be very concerned about the money too, as I automatically assumed it sounds as thought these are possibly funds for kids he may have fathered? Maybe I am being unjust there, but I don't know why he would be forking out when plenty of actual father's don't.

I think you need to ask him to move out somewhere. I have no idea on suggestions for that, but he has to give you space.

Hopefully one day not too far away, you'll look back on the lockdown and be glad you figured him out.

Parsley1234 · 17/04/2020 21:56

Awful shock do some investigation before you confront him

TiddlestheCat · 17/04/2020 22:03

Can you talk to a close friend? You need to get all your ducks in a row and collate as much evidence as possible right now. Also, do not let him storm out and accuse you of not trusting him, whilst leaving you to deal with five kids on your own, esp during lockdown. Good luck. It sounds like a horrendous situation to be in.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/04/2020 22:08

Could blackmail be involved?

I was wondering this myself, mainly because it's what one of his many prostitutes did to my ex. Some of it was "I'll tell your wife ..." and especially large amounts were "I'll pay you back when I get my UC", so promises to repay don't necessarily mean much

Personally, OP, I'd get some good legal advice and I'd get it asap, but I'd also prepare myself for the fact he may be several steps ahead already

MrsP2015 · 17/04/2020 22:08

Sending hugs x