Found husbands secret phone

[Sandpaperkisses357]

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken

Thank you to everyone.. sorry I've been busy getting the kids to bed. I am now sitting here feeding my youngest dc and in bits looking at DC cute little face and after reading all your comments and all I can think is why?! Why has he done this to me ..
Why did I not see any of this coming ..
Tbh I am financially dependent on him and have no way of supporting myself and 5kids on my own, I really don't know how I will get through this.
I know he will deny anything is going on and make up some shit excuse as to why he sent the money and yes he will no doubt try turn it on me for snooping too..
How can he break our family like this ..the kids will be so sad

@crustycrab no, not me but thanks x

This sounds awful. My dh said surely she wouldnt say she’d pay the money back if it was a secret child.

Even if he isnt having an affair, spending so much if family money and the deception should be a deal breaker.

Christ OP.. I'm so sorry... you must tell him you know and he needs to explain himself... being financially dependent on him does not allow him to treat you in a such a vile way...

OP don’t let the finances make you feel trapped

If he is the earner he will have to pay child support etc. I’m no expert. Maybe others can advise more but don’t feel like you have no options.

I’m sorry this is happening.

OP, so sorry.

Lying
Financing another woman
Gaslighting

Even if he doesn’t confess you know he’s up to no good. He is legally obliged to support the children. How old are they?

It does sound a bit suspicious, do you plan on having it out with him?

To be honest I don't know whether to confront him whilst still in lockdown, I think it may be too much to handle at once.
But every day since finding it I've found myself feeling worse and worse.
Also have not been speaking a lot to him, I mean I will answer if he speaks to me or if I need him to do/get something but I'm finding it hard to keep acting like things are 'normal ' but I think he's just putting it down to us all being stuck in.

Financially yes I do worry about that, ultimately though I don't want to just accept it and carry on ..

The kids are 10, 8, 5, 3 and 5months.
I know they will be heartbroken too and that just makes me so sad, this is a nightmare I never wished for , for myself and others who are/have been going through this.
Why or how could anyone do this to their family they claim to love !? I don't think I'll ever understand it.
I love him and hate him and I don't think I can get past what he's done but i really don't want to break up the family ah this is shit, sorry for rambling on x

Don't apologise it's good to let it out and write things down so you can come back to this and remind yourself how you felt!

It’s fine. Keep talking if it will help to sort your head out. 😊

Thank you @MrsRaab
@Mummyoflittledragon and to everyone else. You are all so kind

I am now sitting here feeding my youngest dc and in bits looking at DC cute little face and after reading all your comments and all I can think is why?! Why has he done this to me ..

Thats just so very sad sandpaper i wonder if it does have to come to a split up?.

I'm sorry to say, and a man here, that I just don't know! my now ex cheated on me but the children were a lot older and we had been together some 20 years but I'm still on good terms with her and call and chat to the in lockdown for around an hour a week having a catchup BUT at the ages they are at I think its a different matter..

Perhaps now in lockdown may not be such a bad time as it will eat into you. Suppose you might think on it a bit further?

If push comes to shove you would be entitlred in a divorce settlemt to be paid for the childrens upkeep best bet is to have a quick consult with a Solicitior for advice ask around for someone who is good. You under these conditions may be able to do that on the phone now?

Also relate can sometimes be usefull if he'd agree to it?

But all in so very sad when this does happen, bin there etc;!

Thank you justaboy I will look up on them. Sorry for what happened to you too , its really not a good feeling at all.

I’m so sorry op, this must be devastating, particularly with 5 young children.

My ex was the same, .i found out he had an affair when the youngest of our 4 was 6 months, he denied it and I wanted to believe him and so accepted his denial.

He treated me like shit for the next 7 years while I twisted myself in two trying to keep the family together and him happy. It nearly cost me my health and he then walked out. He moved back in a few months later, stayed for another two very miserable years and then moved out again. By this time the boys were 16, 14, 11 and 9. The eldest was taking exams, 2 were at secondary school, they were settled with friends and I wasn’t able to move cities back to where my family were p, who could have all helped me. The boys all suffered so much more emotional damage at that age.

I didn’t think I had the strength to leave when they were younger and I was so desperate to keep the family together. I regret this and wish
I had left when they were younger. I would have got a much better financial settlement if the boys were younger when we divorced and I could have had the support of family and I learnt that it takes two to make a marriage work.

I wish you look, whatever his reason, he should have told you. Another child would make the money understandable, if not then it’s absolutely unforgivable to be giving money away when he has 5 small children.

Oh that must be so hard for you. I can imagine having that mix of feelings. I also don’t get how anyone could do that to their family. Sounds like you’ve got some good support in here though.

It could be 'maintenance' for a child he has fathered with her.

It won't go away - you need to get to the bottom of it. Your money to support your children is being squirrelled away to someone else. I'd start building up a nest egg yourself 'in case'.

So sorry OP, I hope he comes clean and you get to the bottom of this soon.

Take it easy you’ve had a terrible shock and many feelings will be going around your head.
Take one day at a time don’t look too far into the future and in time things will become clearer.
You could think ok I don’t want to break the family up now so I will work on a plan to slowly become independent getting a career while still living with him in the family unit you will slowly get control of your life and you will feel stronger while not rushing into anything.
You may not be able to do that but by writing out all options all scenarios no matter how crazy you will slowly formulate a plan and also by watching and waiting - if you can do that - you will find out more than going in all guns blazing.

I remember a similar thread to this a while back with some brilliant advice from others who had been through similar situations, much of it financial and practical. I cannot imagine what you are going through, esp with such a young baby to care for as well as all your other children. Just keep posting on here and keep the thread alive and you'll get some good advice. I have no useful advice, only sympathy and a hug. I really feel for you, I really do. X

So awful OP.

I do think you should speak to him though.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

@Sandpaperkisses357 sending you a big virtual hug and flowers. I will never understand how or why they could be so stupid to risk everything with lies and deceit. Were things OK at home?

As others have said, you have 2 options. You can continue gathering evidence for the foreseeable future (because who knows when lockdown will really end!) And maybe give a solicitor / citizens advice a call, or you can confront him.

If you choose the later, I would advise you have some time apart to think about everything but doing this with 5 kids in lockdown is not going to be easy (obviously ask him to leave). I would also register now on NHS website for counselling for yourself, it's a long wait but I'm guessing you'll need someone to talk to after the shits the fan.

I know it is hard, but if you cant bare to even look at him I would suggest to confront him and ask him to leave sooner rather than later. Use the time apart to figure out what you want to do. Depending on the severity, people have made their marriage work after lies and deceit (including affairs) but I know this is not the common response on this forum. Do what is best for you and your kids.

I hope you get to the bottom of all this soon and you manage to get past this shittiness soon. All the best xxx

Whatever this secret is your husband has the fact it is a secret involving that amount of money, regardless of anything else is wrong. Hes being secretive for a reason and thats not fair on you.
You can either lay your cards in the table now or hold back a little whilst you look for more info about who this woman is and if he does have secret finances.
I've recently discovered my husband has a whole secret second life and once you have some information it's amazing what you can find out online about the other person.
Is you husband currently in lockdown with you? Does he go out anywhere? If you can keep tabs on that secret phone you may get more info. Look at where your husband wanders in the home. Search everywhere for it. Car, under seats, spare wheel area, in pockets of clothes in wardrobes, gym bag. It has to be reasonably accessible and it needs to be charged up every now and again. Check the history, Google history and look what apps are on there. Which are his most frequently used. Even Pintrest gave me a few pointers/clues that led me on to finding something else.
That secret phone may have disappeared but will be hidden somewhere.

Keep an eye on his usual phone too. You may occassionally get an odd clue from that too.
Any snippet of info will help. Look in his email contacts. I found having an email address can unlock so much info online.
Just generally be more switched on for any clues. Does he go where he says he does? Does the mileage match on his car? Is she still abroad? What SM is she on? Look at friends,groups and likes for more info. Does she or he review things?
Does he have a secret email address for his secret bank accounts or is there any paper work for secret bank accounts?
Does he have his own laptop?

Being in lockdown means any routine they had may have changed like it has for us all. The phone/internet maybe the best contact they have right now. I only found out about my husband just before lockdown, I've not yet confronted him for various reasons, it's really hard some days not to lose my shit, but I have a rough idea now of what's been going on and the extent of it. In some ways as much as its painful its a releif to know i wasnt going mad or paranoid. Knowledge is power and i can now start making informed choices for my future.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can get to the bottom if it and it's not as awful as we are assuming.

Well done everyone

You have convinced the OP that her husband has a secret love child, and now she's very upset and the 5 children will grow up without their father living with them. This is before you know what's gone on...
Yes, it's mighty suspicious, but you owe it to the poor children to find out the truth before destroying the family. It is just a big game to most posters on here. But it's the OP and her children that will need to live with the consequences, and thats why it's vital to establish the truth.

@Sandpaperkisses357 💐 to you.
You don't yet know exactly the extent of your dp's actions.
Please don't act hastily while you have limited mobility in lockdown.

Please ensure you have a financial plan and all ducks in a row before you confront him for your and your children's sake.

You do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with and need to put you and your children's welfare first.

Talk to your real life friends who know you and your real relationship. Don't act on strangers on the internet who don't know you.