Found husbands secret phone

[Sandpaperkisses357]

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken

@sandpaperkisses357 we would like to give you support & advice on here which you would find useful.

Having a little think through it occurred to me that my (and others advice) might seem impossible to you because you come from a society & religion & background that makes it harder.

It is nosy but could we ask
A) Are you muslim?
B) Are your In laws traditional & strict? Are your parents traditional & strict?
C) do you have any fears for your safety if you tried to throw him out or to leave him?
D) Do you have your own money - whilst your husband provides for you also you are entitled to a lump sum of your own?
E) Did you have qualifications and a few years of employment before the children?
F) How old are you?

Why I gave my advice:
Personally I come from a traditional Catholic family background that has like 1 divorce per 20 family couples, women putting their husbands & children first (stay at home mums until secondary school & then P/T) and marriage being for life & working on your marriage to keep the family together.

But on the other hand I've also I've grown up in the last twenty odd years in the UK-not the 1950s Eastern Europe like my grandmother . So if I'm ever badly treated I never forgive anyone twice (and sometimes not first time). Nobody around me - not my parents even--would expect me to live with a husband who cheats, lies or steals from the family money. If divorce was the only way I'd get my divorce for the legal benefits (even though believing that I'm tied to him religiously for life)
I want children but I don't intend to have more than 1 or 2 and I'd expect a husband to understand this: a woman has to look at every new child as something that ideally they raise together but ultimately might end up her raise alone (due to DH job, split or widowhood)
It's my belief that you should always have your own money - there will be times when you earn more than him and times when you earn less. You will hopefully have some guy treat you to nice gifts but equally you buy him stuff too. Joint finances but also seperate bank accounts.
Ive had control of my own money since I insisted at 9 years (yes I kept the RBS and HSBC books for the kids junior accounts). I have a good amount of savings now (think house deposit) and have had jobs (not highest paid but don't do it for money) since I was 16. I would never want to be financially dependent even to the best husband in the world. Im lucky.

So if there are religious issues here please know that you can still be a good devout person, a good mother and daughter whilst putting your dignity, independence and financial security first.

Being a good wife is:
-Getting angry when he gives away money saved for the family & children
-insisting on your right for any 'charity or generosity' to come from you both and with your knowledge too
-expecting your husband to treat you right. Apologise and do whatever you need to be OK.
-saving your husband from his Weaknesses and breaking contact with this woman.
-realising that you and he might be happier apart & that staying with him whilst you don't have positive thoughts to him is dishonest.
-realising that any money you take is for you to raise the children. It has a purpose.

Just to say that I'm still thinking of you. Glad that you managed to get out for a walk.

As for the phone, he still can't explain that one..
And sadly the part that makes everything else untruthful. How can you not explain why would you use another phone that you feel needs to be kept hidden to communicate with a friend you are helping. Not like something you can do by mistake.

How are you, OP?

Hoping you're doin ok OP.

Please just let us know you are safe sandpaper x

Hi everyone x thank u all yes I'm doing ok. Just been keeping busy with the kids and trying to keep on top of the cleaning..which as you can imagine is near impossible with 5 little ones 😁

@RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds
Yes it was an international dialling tone. And no, no iPhone.

@IsabelCupcake
Not particularly religious, on either side of the family, so don't have that worry of shame or anything. Also no safety concerns if i/he left. I don't get any money to keep as my own, but do have access to bank account and can use if and when.. I don't have any qualifications, unfortunately not. And I am 33. Thank you for your advice x
And again thank you so much to everyone for all the fantastic support and advice, really does mean a lot to me.

Thanks @sandpaperkisses357.
Really really happy to know you are OK x
You are obv a lovely person & you deserve so much more than this situation & him.
Keep going - I know we (esp me!!) have lots to say but we are all here for you if you need us. X

Glad to hear you are keeping busy. Focus on yourself and your kids. You are brave and can make it through this.

Glad to hear that you're hanging on in there! Still here lurking if you need a chat. X

I would look into opening your own bank account and start gradually transferring money into it. Do you know about all finances? If not, it sounds as though he is financially abusive.

@Sandpaperkisses357, after your update with the detail about your lack of qualifications, I believe I can discern intentionality behind your H's refusal to provide money so that you could learn to drive. He thinks he has you where he wants you.

You need to open your own bank account and start putting money in. You can siphon it off grocery bills - get cash back. You need to threaten him with small claims court based on the woman's promise to repay the £1000 he gave her last month.

You need to figure out what account of his (or joint account) this money came from.

Is your H self employed?

How are you getting on xx

@Sandpaperkisses357 Hope you're doing OK, thinking of you.

Hope your ok op

@HollowTalk

Do you not share bank accounts?

Not all married couples share bank accounts. We’ve been married 25 years and don’t have a joint account. I have access to all the accounts however.