Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
MarrymeTomHardy · 24/04/2020 18:50

@Sandpaperkisses357 really hope you are ok xx

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 24/04/2020 20:21

Hi all, I am ok thank you all for your kindness, I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you who have taken the time to advise and support me through this.

I've just taken a bit of time off of here to get my head straight and just concentrate on the kids really..

Like many of you have said it's much easier said than done..to just kick him out would make things difficult..but I am by no means just carrying on as normal with him.
I will be staying put(or rather he will) until I have saved some money to make sure my kids will not suffer, well less so anyway.

We haven't spoke much tbh but when we did hes still adamant nothing went on and said he wouldn't do that to me or break up our family, but unless he can confess completely and is truly regretful, we will be separating.

It's going to be so hard and will break mine and the kids heart but I think tbh the trust has gone and may never come back.

OP posts:
Onesipmore · 24/04/2020 20:30

Whats his explanation though, I just don't get it. How can he explain away giving a stranger money and having a secret phone?He must be giving you some answers? Surely he's explained that? Hope you and the kids can enjoy some sunshine and so sorry you are going through this?

TiddlestheCat · 24/04/2020 21:36

Hang on in there OP. My concern is how you will manage to save money if you are financially dependant upon him? Can any family members help? I also just cannot imagine how hard it would be to find the time to go online to work out what you might be entitled to, whilst looking after 5 children and home schooling. More than anything, you need time and help with the kids in order to think straight. Hopefully once lockdown ends and some of the children return to school, you'll be able to start to think about you next steps. In the meantime, keep hanging on in there! Xx

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 24/04/2020 22:20

He has told me she is a friend who has MH problems, she is working but doesn't earn a lot and asked him for a loan so he decided to help her out as he would get the money back, so doesn't see the problem..

I am not ok with this as he should have discussed it with me at least if it were just a friend. I put it to him if it was the other way around and I was giving away money to some man he didn't know he would not be happy at all, and he agreed?! So why it's ok for him I don't know.
As for the phone, he still can't explain that one..

And thank you yes we managed to get out for a walk today just me and the 3 elder kids and it was lovely 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 24/04/2020 22:33

Thank you @TiddlestheCat yes this is the headache I'm having atm, I really don't know how it'll all work out but I'll get there somehow I'm sure.. trying my best to stay positive now. X

OP posts:
YinMnBlue · 24/04/2020 22:58

Bloody hell, Sandpaper, this is so hard.

The lying bastard.

How often will he change his story?

First the calls are from a man, then she is a lesbian, now he says she has MH issues. She suggests going to a beach, calls him ‘my man’ and he wishes her a Happy Valentine’s Day,

Then he has the temerity to try and turn attention to you supposedly in the wrong for looking at his phone.

This must be desperately distressing OP. Just know that we all know the truth and are in your side.

Just keep amassing all the help you can via the internet and build your knowledge and strength in preparation for a time you can make your move.

Onesipmore · 24/04/2020 23:11

I think his response speaks volumes. He cant account for a secret phone. He wouldn't like it if you were giving large sums of money to a strange man.It just doesn't add up.I hope you manage to work things through or get some answers. Im not saying LTB, you have 5 kids with this man, but - its just not right x

Stella8686 · 24/04/2020 23:52

Apologies @Sandpaperkisses357
I've lived through it as I said in one of my posts

I buried my head in the sand for 9 months, I was a fool.

I did post this a few days ago...

He lied, and lied and lied again, straight to my face, when I asked him point blank, with her name and evidence... and he LIED
And I buried my head in the sand 🤷‍♀️

Awful time for you plus crazy times with lockdown

Just my experience but lies, lies, lies from the men on posts like these.

I hope you can start to plan a bit to get some stuff sorted for yourself

Vinosaurus · 24/04/2020 23:53

As for the phone, he still can't explain that one.

Well, he WON'T explain rather than can't.

YouJustDoYou · 25/04/2020 07:20

He's got a secret phone because he's keeping all of the relationship with her as a secret - that "MH" cover is just that- a cover. He's reeling you in op and he knows it but I can also understand that without absolute concrete evidence it is almost impossible to breakaway from a cheat when you have children, a house and marriage with them. It took me a further two years to finally get concrete evidence. Before that he spun me the same lines you're being spun. I bet SHE would be very surprised/pissed off to learn he's been saying she has "mh problems" which is why he's been talking to her.

YouJustDoYou · 25/04/2020 07:22

I second pp- he "can't explain it" because he "WON'T" explain it.

Veterinari · 25/04/2020 09:03

He's gaslighting you OP.
He can't explain it without admitting to an affair.
He's hoping you can sweep it under the rug and carry on

TheMamaYo · 25/04/2020 11:00

Sounds to me as if he is talking absolute bollocks. You don’t need a new phone to lend someone money. We all know that. He’ll wear you down and minimise this until you feel bad for questioning his integrity. He’s been playing this game longer than you.

Stow away every penny you have OP. Also tell him you want at least triple what she had from his secret stash, as you are now suffering mental distress. 🤷‍♀️

Daftapath · 25/04/2020 11:49

Do you have your own bank account that he cannot access? Can you see all your money and his (which is actually both of yours)?

Any money that you do save will obviously be seen as joint money in a divorce but it would at least give you the freedom to move on and be independent in case he chooses to not give you access.

I would insist on seeing all bank statements for all accounts as well as any other assets - payslip, p60, shares. You can double check all payments in and out and question where any money is going. This may give you an idea of any secret accounts he holds. If you then keep an eye on the accounts, you will know if he pays her (or anyone else) more money.

Ask him to show you which account the money came from.

MyOtherProfile · 25/04/2020 14:50

Ask him to show you which account the money came from.

This. There could be a lot more money in there.

Daftapath · 25/04/2020 15:32

Or a lot more money given to her

Giganticshark · 25/04/2020 15:34

I don't think he will allow you to save, he doesn't want to be alone. If you're financially dependent on him how will you get anything gathered together?

ArabSprings · 25/04/2020 22:41

OP, I just want to say again that obviously you don’t have to leave him. Yes it’s a crap situation, but you have five kids with this person. So I know it wouldn’t be easy to leave him even if you wanted to. Don’t feel pressured by MN to do something if you don’t want to do it or if it will only cause you even more misery. If it were me, I’d be making sure I don’t do anything at all for this sorry excuse for a man again and focus all my efforts on the children. It sounds like that’s probably what you’re doing. You’ll get through this. I also wouldn’t stop giving him a hard time. He may break eventually. I’d want to know which account the money went from and I would want to see the account statements ASAP. I also would insist on getting the money back from this woman.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2020 00:29

The 'friend with MH problems' explanation is just completely disrespectful, both to you, to the woman, and to people with MH in general really.

Tell him you want that £1000 she owes him for yourself. Tell him you intend to get driving lessons. You do not have to scrimp and save.

If she won't pay him back, tell him you will go after it in small claims court.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2020 00:32

YY - tell him to show you all the bank accounts, and give an accurate accounting of all the money he has 'loaned' her.

As long as you can't drive, have no money, and five children, he fears nothing. I agree with Giganticshark - how will you save.

Demand that money back and threaten small claims court.

FortunesFave · 26/04/2020 00:57

They always get all moral about "how dare you look at my phone!" it's exactly what my friend's dH said when she caught him red-handed.

How dare they!

I would not focus on OP not being able to drive. I can't drive....I've got kids. It's not the end of the world. We walk, ride bikes and get public transport. When mine were small, my weeks shopping went into a backpack and under the buggy.

I was fit as anything.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2020 06:34

It's a morale booster though, to master a new skill. And the H told the OP they couldn't afford driving lessons for her (obv because money can't be in two places at once).
I am guessing she brought up the subject and would have liked lessons..

Elieza · 26/04/2020 10:04

He probably didn’t want the OP getting driving lessons because that would increase her freedom and she’d have less reliance on him and also increase her job potential. ie keep the wife at home reliant on me and she can’t get away easily or do anything easily or pop out to meet some guy easily if she thinks of leaving.

RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds · 26/04/2020 10:45

OP, when you called her, was it an international calling tone you heard or is she in fact, really in the UK? Not that it makes much difference to what your husband has been doing but it would be another lie you have uncovered.
Does he have an iPhone? If you go into location services you may be able to see addresses he has been visiting frequently. You don't need evidence to know he's a cheating bastard but it helps in divorces.