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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil text reply. Aibu?

499 replies

Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 13:16

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Mil text reply. Aibu?
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Teenangels · 18/04/2020 10:39

@Lalla525
There is the problem right there you have closed down because its not what you want to hear. I am not the only one to suggest counselling or that you will push people away.
Your use of passive aggression in your last sentence shows your responses in RL.
Good luck OP with the pregnancy.

TwistyHair · 18/04/2020 10:42

@Teenangels asking for people to understand how she feels is not revelling in drama and glory. And asking that people listen rather than just say inconsequential statements or always trying to look on the positive side in a scary situation, is ok too. It’s understandable. It doesn’t make you think the world revolves around you, it’s more to do with wanting those around you to understand some of your inner thoughts so that you don’t feel so alone.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 10:43

@@teenangles I'm afraid I do not really understand what you refer to (like genuinely). What have I closed down? And where is he passive aggressiveness? Genuine questions as in really am not seeing them.

OP posts:
Taddda · 18/04/2020 10:51

If go into labour before cesarean my baby is dead'. That's the scary part. Not the cesarean.

That would have possibly been the scenario in my case also OP, Dd and myself.

I wish I had opened up more to everyone about how I truly felt at the time, I was terrified, I suspect this is how your also feeling-

But it seems that your also trying to control the uncontrollable, it's impossible to plan for this, you have to trust. You do seem to have issues with that - your not being helpful to yourself, as I wasn't.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 10:58

@taddda correct. And waiting is a killer. I was hoping very much that the vasa praevia had moved, but not only it didn't, it got worse and confirmed yesterday.

I woke up this morning knowing that until the cesarean I will be on edge questioning whether labour will be today.

So yes - I am petrified. And no, "all will be fine" it's never going to help in this case. And if the answer of all this is that i need counselling because i dont find "all will be fine" reassuring, then really I'm at a loss.

OP posts:
Chillicheese123 · 18/04/2020 11:01

I don’t really know what you want from this thread. People have made suggestions for you to move on and be happier with what you get from people in your interactions etc and you don’t seem to think you’re in the wrong ever, so I don’t see why you started this? I’m afraid everyone’s different and one persons ‘rubbish response’ is perfect for someone else. I’m a practical person so I like practical advice for example. I’m also very unemotional and matter of fact. Doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings but crying on someone’s shoulder, esp my MIL’s, is my idea of capital torture. Would it have made you feel better if we had all said ‘god your MIL is shite, what a bitch, she’s awful poor you’ ?

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 11:03

OP, if your situation was so dire that if you go in labour before 36 weeks, your baby is dead, the hospital would have you in there 4 weeks before that date. Perhaps that is the plan for you, I dont know. I've been there, it is a scary time, but, hard to say it.. in all likelihood it will turn out well. You will not be alone in this condition, multiple people have scary pregnancies, and the medics will be used to it. I think you should stop concentrating on what reaction you want from others. No one is perfect in what they say, and if you are looking for fault, you will find it. You say your mil had her son at 35 weeks, so she's been there. In my experience op, although you are in the "here and now", and it's all new to you ..most other people have been there and it's in the past, so they dont see it as such a big thing.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 11:05

@tabbymumz. They would take me in if it was not for covid. Nice huh?

OP posts:
Chillicheese123 · 18/04/2020 11:09

OP I think you’re missing where other people have been through very similar things and are trying to help?

Does it not help you to remind yourself you’re not the only person who’s had a high risk pregnancy and the majority come out of the other side fine? Or would you rather people were on here telling your nothings going to be Ok and you should be shitting yourself ? I’ve watched my own child in an incubator with a tube down their throat weighing 3lbs and if someone said that to me then, I’d have thought they were absolutely mental. You seem to thrive on drama to be honest.

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 11:11

Lalla, if your baby is at severe risk of death if you go into labour, Im sure they'd find a room for you Covid or not. I was told me and the baby would be dead in 5 mins if I went into labour. All ended well.

Diyhaircutgonewrong · 18/04/2020 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 11:14

And Lalla, I would say from experience, most people dont want to hear about bad or scary experiences. It is a funny old world we live in, but that's the way it is.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 18/04/2020 11:17

I thank you all again for the contributions.

Have to go now, to spend the weekend with my DP.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 18/04/2020 11:20

Wishing you well Lalla.

Teenangels · 18/04/2020 11:22

The words in the best possible way are passive aggressive.

I think that whatever people say to you, you like take in the wrong way.

Please read and take on board not only what I am saying but other are saying.

Taddda · 18/04/2020 11:22

@Lalla525 you have the same condition as I did with Dd2. Mine was also complete cover, they kept scanning hoping it would move but it also got worse as Dd2 grew and went breach, which was why the EMCs and not the one they had planned for.

I'm not going to lie to you, be prepared for the c-section- but also know and be assured that everyone in that room will also be fully prepared for it.

My heart is actually racing typing this, I haven't really discussed it at length- maybe I also need to have a bit of a chat to someone- I'm not so good at that either if I'm honest, that's definitely a self protection issue I have, it has served me well at various points in my life, but not so well at times like these where the only way to deal is to open up.

I really do hope everything goes well for you. I'd like to put some info about how well Dd2 is now etc, but I know that's not going to be of any help to you right now.

All I can suggest is that you do what I didnt (which sounds totally patronising!), but make those phone calls to your friends and family and just pour out what your feeling, don't worry about the responses, you might be surprised at how much it helps Smile

heartsonacake · 18/04/2020 11:25

I am not "expecting" or "demanding" anybody to do "anything". I am laying out things I need. Not things I demand or expect.

Yes, you are “expecting” them to respond differently. You won’t tell them you don’t approve of their responses and expect something else, but you still expect it hence why you were pissed off at your MIL’s kind text.

The majority of people don’t work like you. You have to accept that and deal with it; you need to manage your expectations and not be hurt (privately or otherwise) because people aren’t acting the way you want.

FaFoutis · 18/04/2020 11:33

Oh leave her alone.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/04/2020 11:49

Oh, has this thread turned into a pile-on? I'm sorry to see it. The OP has been admirably self-reflective and is currently negotiating a very vulnerable and frightening situation. She's displayed a level of empathy that some of her respondents can't aspire to, sadly.

OP, I wish you nothing but the best: positivity, peace, calm, and a safe delivery Flowers

Taddda · 18/04/2020 11:50

OP I didn't know they hadn't admitted you- have they given you a plan etc?

@TabbyMumz I dont quite think you understand the condition (speaking as someone who was taken into hospital 5 weeks prior to birth with the same)- fortunately not at the time of Covid - the OP must be terrified. Theres a very quick time in which she needs to get to hospital if she goes in to labour.

OP my thoughts are with you- now please give her a break!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/04/2020 11:52

It's not necessarily a question of "having room" for the OP - it's in her own best interests NOT to be in hospitals until she absolutely has to be because of COVID-19.

Teenangels - you're very up in your own opinion, yet couldn't be bothered to understand that the OP was less concerned about the CS itself than the condition that's creating the need for it, the one that is risking both her baby's and her own life.
Perhaps try to be a little more open to what she actually wrote in her posts before criticising her for "closing down".

Britishsubject · 18/04/2020 11:57

Her response to you here is actually very warm and caring. I think you are expecting a bit much of her. She seems to be happy for you and possibly is not reading in your texts that you are stressed- things like brief text messages can be interpreted in different ways by different people. Cut her some slack as she is on your side x

Britishsubject · 18/04/2020 12:00

Oh just seen this tread has turned into some thing else...

TabbyMumz · 18/04/2020 12:00

"@TabbyMumzI dont quite think you understand the condition (speaking as someone who was taken into hospital 5 weeks prior to birth with the same)- fortunately not at the time of Covid - the OP must be terrified. Theres a very quick time in which she needs to get to hospital if she goes in to labour."
@Taddda....I'm not sure you read my posts, you may have missed one....I think I had the same condition from what she has said. I too was in hospital a month before I gave birth by early caesarean. I was told if I went into labour, both I and my child would be dead in 5 minutes. But....and it's a big but...people dont want to hear about it. It's just human nature, and in all reality, it will probably end well. When I was in hospital, there were several ladies in with the same thing. It is quite common and the medics know their stuff.

incognitomum · 18/04/2020 12:04

@Lalla525 I agree with posters saying you have been reflecting and taking advice. The bullying on here is atrocious and I've reported this thread.

Hoping you'll be ok and can go forward and strengthen your relationship with MIL ❤

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