Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

I think you should open up to your friends, they would want you to

Re: friends situation.

I might be generalizing here, but I feel that in real life I am surrounded by people who do not want to hear about problems. They will ask you how you are, but hoping you will say 'all good'. There have been conversations, over the years, about parents cancers, fights with DPs, job losses, death and financial problems. But it's done in an FYI- sort of way while everybody feels awkward and uncomfortable.

Most of the answers are 'it will be fine' / 'at least they discovered it' / 'at least he had a good life' etc...

I would really struggle with any of the above, because as a pp said, I would then feel the need to remark how shit the situation is and i would probably get the exact same, just more of it.

I do not think it is unreasonable to wanting to hear "yes, its shit and I'm sorry". But for some reason the preferred way seems to look at the positive. And maybe for 90% of people that works. It just doesn't for me.

OP I feel sad your friends wouldn’t want to know you’re experiencing a challenging pregnancy - i know I would if any of my friends were in the situation you’re in.

It’s shit and I’m sorry

Sorry OP but you sound like a family member of mine who is an absolute nightmare. We could fix all her problems for her and it still wouldn’t be enough.
Perhaps the hormones but people aren’t mind readers - reply was kind and unobtrusive. I’d be happy if my MIL was that nice.

I understand that you wanted a bit more from her. For her to ask if you are ok. It wasnt a horrible message and think the next message was more useful. She probably just wanted to send a nice message but didnt really think to ask anything.
Must be an awful time for you on top of everything else that is going on at the moment.

It’s not unreasonable to want to hear “yes it’s shit and I’m sorry”.

It is unreasonable to be annoyed/ whatever when people don’t divine this is what you need and then do that for you.

If that’s what you need, you need to surround yourself exclusively with people who will do that for you. It not your MIL’s fault she’s not what you personally need.

The problem is yours, not hers.

Sorry op but your update suggests that no one can give you what you want. You're not able to articulate your needs. But you seem to expect people to inherently deliver what you need to make you feel better about you?

The need for external validation will never end in you feeling nurtured and fulfilled as a human being.

You really really need to look inwards at why you're so angry that other people can't make you feel better about yourself.

OP I think your expectations in general (from friends or MIL) are off. You seem to over analyse both explicit and implied meanings to everything people say and they rarely meet your expectations. This says more about you than them.

Your writing style is very stiff and I get the impression you're a bit of a cold fish, struggling to express emotion, despite feeling it, yet expecting so much of everyone else.

I know your situation is terribly worrying, but it will really help you if you just accept well meaning platitudes at face value when they're offered. People who set these things mean well and are doing their best and they're really not the people you should be offended by. They care, they just can't necessarily articulate it well verbally. Let it go.

Sorry your going through this OP.

Like others, can't see anything wrong with text. This is also your MILs grandchild and I'm sure she is anxious too.

I have a friend who reacts very similar to what you describe. She is private and doesn't share much with friends but expects us to instinctively know when something is wrong and has high expectations. This is how she has always dealt with situations and we have all accepted that but it's hard for us too trying to console her, as we get so nervous of saying the 'wrong thing' that she doesn't get a natural reaction from us.

I understand your need to shield yourself from upset and inappropriate commentary, but I do also agree with those saying that your presentation of clinical facts, devoid of emotion, does make it harder for people to realise that, underneath, you're a quivering emotional jelly just desperate for support.

I'm glad your MIL has sent a second message - perhaps your failure to respond to her first one has given her the hint that it wasn't sufficient, but I hope you have responded to her now.

I'm not suggesting that you change the way you deal with other people - especially not at this time of high anxiety (maybe later?) - but it should be taken into account when you look at how they respond to you.

I think you've done very well to take on board things people have said to you here, and I hope that your condition is stable and you have a positive birth and a healthy baby at the end of it

Absolutely nothing wrong with her response; she sounds lovely.

No I don't think so. think you're having an awful time and feel allow. She has responded and given love. Doesn't seem dismissive

I think it's fine

OP, I say this with kindness but I think that you (and everybody in general!) will find life easier and far more pleasant if you concentrate on taking things in the spirit they are intended.

As you say, people have different ways of reacting to things and though it's fine to tell your nearest and dearest what you find most helpful from them in difficult times, it's unfair and miserable for you to hold everyone to a particular (note: NOT 'higher') standard based simply on what you would do.

As it happens, I would find someone saying 'It's shit, I'm sorry" to be really un-comforting. I can't quite explain why but I really wouldn't feel supported by that naturally. HOWEVER if it was from someone I knew cared about me I would acknowledge that they probably are thinking like you and trying to avoid pat answers that they're afraid might seem dismissive to me and I would be grateful for their thought. They are carrying for me the best way they know because they care about me and THAT is comforting. If that makes sense.

It sounds like there is background with your MIL that means you maybe don't believe she had your best interests at heart so maybe you can assume that she intended to be supportive, in which case fair enough.

But otherwise and generally I think you need to cut people some slack. Otherwise you'll find people just start to avoid you when you have bad news for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing and that will be really miserable.

To add - I am desperately sorry for your situation and worry which is completely understandable.

When I read your first post yesterday I did think you were being a bit harsh on your MIL. I think the main problem though is in communicating by text. It’s impossible to gauge tone or intent.
However, I do agree with you on a wider point that most people are incapable of acknowledging that a situation is shit and will automatically reach for a platitude. Perhaps they mean well but sometimes I think they just feel uncomfortable and want to close the conversation down.
It’s so important at a difficult time to just have our feelings heard.
In order for people to do that though we n need to communicate them, and you didn’t in your text.
I tend to take my cue from the other person so if they are trying to be positive I will respond in kind.
It’s very hard to do that by text though.
I’m really sorry for the stress and worry you are going through.

Agree the "at least..." response to a difficult time bugs the shit out of me. But they mean well. Lower expectations - it helps a lot.

You can't write a detailed post full of emotion and feeling and expect get the same back. I suspect your feeling embarrassed for revealing so much.

I can empathise on your situation a little OP. I had an EMCS at 36 weeks (they tried to get us to 37) after being admitted 5 weeks prior for a Grade 4 placenta previa- made the mistake of asking the consultant 'what the worst case scenario' was and was told 'well, you could die'- I was so scared and really upset. Obviously I didnt! Some complications for both me and Dd2 but Dd2 is now a happy, healthy 16month old beaut!

At the time though, when I explained what the consultant said to both DH and MIL, they were both 'it'll be okay' and no real concern expressed on their part, although they might have been thinking it but didn't say this to me.

What I really wanted to hear at the time was some concern, as this is what I was feeling, so in many ways I felt like my feelings were invalid or I was over reacting, when I was just scared and upset and I suppose I wanted someone to feel the same way, maybe as an expression of how much they cared.

Looking back, they were just trying to not worry me more, they were worried too, but remaining optimistic for me in their way.

Alot are very 'keep your chin up!' in situations like this- not really knowing what to say for the best.

I suppose I just wanted to say I know where your coming from, and really hope everything goes well for you

I do not think it is unreasonable to wanting to hear "yes, its shit and I'm sorry". But for some reason the preferred way seems to look at the positive. And maybe for 90% of people that works. It just doesn't for me.

No, it’s not unreasonable to want people to reply in a way that you prefer, but it is unreasonable to expect them to and be pissed off when they don’t.

Wow OP, 16 pages of people telling you you’re being unreasonable and you’re still reading, processing and considering responses. And giving very considered and polite follow up responses too.

I hear you. I had fairly straight forward pregnancies and births, so I don’t personally relate to what you’re feeling or going through in this situation. But I do understand that you must be feeling vulnerable, scared and like this entire situation is so far out of your control. That is an awful combination of feelings.

I’m glad your MIL has come though for you. You two obviously have different communication styles, at least on text. She seems to be reading between the lines that you need some support though.

I truly hope everything works out well for you and your baby. x

@LunaLula83
In general I hate not feeling validated I think she is trying to keep out of it/ not make you feel worse and I can understand that
But the thing is my parents do that to me and it makes me really fucking cross
When I say something is difficult with my son especially my dad he says things like "well I'm not sure I think he's lovely and clever and needs careful managing"

I am sick atm and his default response when I am sick is "you sound much better" when I'm not better I am worse.

In general I think you're right people don't acknowledge things are shit. I want to say to you what I do with people now who don't want to hear it is I tell them. "I'm great" and then when something happens and they ask why I didn't tell them I explain that they seemed that they didn't have space in their life to hear it

Do that to them. So just stop telling them. Let things happen. They will ask. When they ask tell them you didn't feel validated. Being validated is one of the most important feelings

But on the surface and at a simple just what it is level her text was fine. I would want something more engaging but it's not rude.

Sending you love I'm sorry you're going through this shit xxxx

This thread has reminded me that last week I got into trouble for the opposite thing. For acknowledging that someone's situation must be awful, and they must be so worried.
I got told that what I said didn't work for them. They needed their mind taking off it, or positivity from people.

OP, you seem to think your way is the right way. That the "higher standards" you expect from others are the correct standards. They're not. They're just different. We all deal with things in different ways. And some of us are better with words than others.

As a pp said, focus on where the sentiment is coming from. People mean well, even if their way of showing or, or their use of words didn't match yours. It doesn't make them lesser people than you.

Can I be honest with you OP? If you are surrounded by friends who you feel don't want to hear your worries, could it be that you've previously drained them on other occasions? Perhaps without realising. One thing that tends to drive people away and evokes a more flippant response is a continued pessimism which can be interpreted as feeling sorry for yourself. If your friends are met with an insurmountable number of barriers to any helpful suggestions that they might make, they will soon feel helpless and as though you don't value their advice or actually want help/to feel better. It sounds to me like your parents and DP indulge your anxiety and tell you what you want to hear. You can't expect others to do the same when they have other priorities/their own problems etc. The fact that you are unable to open up to friends and demonstrate a reluctance to, indicates that the problem is not with your friends. I really feel that, in time, it would be beneficial for you to seek help with your anxiety, but also the way that you view situations and others. Again, this is said through experience and with good intent.

I agree that could be possible. Id feel annoyed after a while if a friend got annoyed with me because i responded in the "wrong" way.