Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Perhaps she was in the middle of something when you first messaged and replied quickly. I think she does sound supportive but perhaps doesn't want to overstep. I think if you said either in person or by message 'I don't want any dismissive replies like 'everything will be fine'' then that was quite rude of you.

But i'm sorry you're going through this.

Just from reading your posts on this thread, OP, I think you’ve lucked out with your MIL.

You come across as extremely sensitive, delicate almost. Vulnerable to extreme emotion if somebody acts in a way or says something that doesn’t suit your sensitivities. From her messages it sounds as though your MIL knows this and is treading on eggshells: being supportive without pandering to you (not pandering in a spoilt way, pandering in a let’s-not-trigger-her way).

Your MIL sounds kind and understanding. I too want to say to you: relax. Just, relax. Because stressing and getting anxious won’t change anything for the better and it might even cause bigger problems.

Sorry you’re having a tough time with this pregnancy. I know what that’s like. When you’re in it, it’s all consuming. But try to pull back and see things with perspective. Try not to focus on yourself and your feelings so wholly. It might help.

I feel really sorry for you OP - but even sorrier for your MIL.

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, I can't imagine how you feel.

I would struggle to know what on earth to say to your text, if I was her. Seriously. I mean, what DO you say when you've not experienced what someone else is.

I really hope everything goes well for you, OP, and for your baby

Wish my mum or MIL was as caring as this.

We did 17 sodding years of IVF and got told we were selfish 4 weeks before our due date because they were about to retire and we were ruining their plans.

Anyway, I digress.

OP, I get why you’re cross. I suspect you think she was disinterested but before that second message was sent, you yourself admitted she doesn’t know about the fertility treatment. I think IVF makes us understandably sensitive.

But your MIL didn’t know about the IVF and therefore just how extra-extra special you feel your baby is. Congratulations on your news & wishing you well with everything.

Ps - sorry if I have misread something. Long day and going to bed now.

@Somersetlady it IS the hug emoji. It's not jazz hands!

If I Express the feelings and then get a crappy answer, I will feel very vulnerable and sad. If I do not express feeling and I get a crappy answer, I get pissed off

Op. Is there more to this because that update suggests you you have impossible standards that nobody could possibly meet and you expect people to read you to avoid having difficult conversations.

That's neither reasonable nor sustainable if so. But you know that. It would be a good idea to seek some help if this is the case.

And are the answers actually crappy or is that your interpretation of the answers you are given?

Perfectly good response from mil. Think you are over thinking it.

What I found missing, if we really want to dig into it, is the acknowledging my feelings of utter fear and assuming I could just "keep calm

Then you need to call her,you cant convey feelings over text message.I think a chat over the phone is the way to go.

Plus the other message underneath the 1st is lovely.Shes trying to connect with you.Please give her the chance to be there for you and your dh and new baby.She could be an invaluable source when you need someone.

@Lalla525 your MIL has been worrying about this. Since she sent that message she’s been concerned about what she said and then decided on a suitable follow up. I think that’s a woman that cares.

Good luck

Your MIL sounds lovely but you sound determined to find fault with her.
I'll bet the situation will escalate once the baby is born.

After I read your first message I thought that probably your MIL didn't know how to respond because of you making it clear that you didn't want 'it will all be fine' messages. I worry terribly about saying the wrong thing in situations like this and will generally err on the side of caution in any response. So perhaps she did the same? Her response read fine to me - kind without being over the top or intrusive. The fact that you didn't share the information with her til recently (which is obviously perfectly fine BTW) may have led her to worrying about saying too much.

When I read your update then I thought it could possibly be read in a different way with that knowledge. However, if your DP, who has expressed that his mother can be manipulative etc, thinks the message is fine, then it most likely is.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time and I think you are probably feeling, quite naturally, very sensitive at the moment. But I'd say you could cross this message off your list of things to worry about. You don't need any more than you are currently coping with. I don't think she meant any harm by it at all. Hope all goes well for you. X

Please find some counselling. Your mil is not your therapist. She's just a normal person who cares and doesn't know what to say. People are just people.
You've had a hard time, find somewhere to talk about it, you deserve to have some assistance so you can be more at ease with yourself, anxiety and other people.

My ex MIL seems to think that emoji is a nice comforting hug too.

You are obviously very worried please don't take this out on MIL she has done nothing wrong and TBH she could of sen this thread that why other text come from .

If you're going to treat your MIL like a leper, for whatever reason, lower your expectations to whatever you're offering yourself. And I mean really offering, not what you think is perfectly fine given she's not a nice person and therefore not entitled to a nice text.

Otherwise you're coming off as bullying.

That second message is lovely! And reading between the lines, it seems you sent your text while you were at the hospital. Which would explain why her reply was brief. She knew you aren't in a position (or likely to be ready) to chat.

Aren't= weren't

Echoing others on here, it must be really tough being in your situation and I feel for you. On the text side, there's no guidebook handed out to every adult on how to reply appropriately to all situations. Some people are naturally more empathetic and in tune, others less comfortable or sure about expressing feelings and saying the "right" thing. The key thing is intention, and it seems her intentions are good.

But you already knew you were having an early Caesarean, so that bit isn’t news. And she probably had no idea how to respond to someone who is having a diabetes test but is bingeing on chocolate - why would you do that? She sent you an emoji hug which is nice. I think her response is fine and you sound a bit like hard work. Poor MIL can’t do right for doing wrong. Please don’t be that DIL.

What really concerns me is that you're not opening up to friends etc. Yet, you have proven that, actually, you can take some pretty negative criticism from strangers on a forum and handle yourself pretty well. If you can't open up to friends, then, start a topic on Chat about your condition. Or even one about anxiety. I get why you are catastrophising. It's mostly anxiety, but also because you feel that you need others to understand your feelings. If they don't, then you have to prove to them just how serious things are. For example, when you said on this thread that things 'might' be ok,or 'might' result in a stillborn. This implies that the situation is highly precarious (akin to 50/50). So you get trapped in a situation of catastrophising in order to demonstrate how serious you perceive things to be. And the more that you do this, the higher the likelihood that others will try to reassure you, which could inadvertently come across as being dismissive. And the more you protest, the more you risk buying into your own catastrophising and making yourself feel worse. And the more that you hide your anxiety or emotions, the less people will understand you and get to learn how to help you. I say all of this out of experience and not as a criticism. You've taken steps to open up here, so set up a chat topic or ask for a handhold from others on here and get them to pm you. Talk to your midwife. Talk to others. Reach out to organisations that support mum's and mum's to be dealing with anxiety. And best of luck!

Your MIL seems lovely to me OP. I think that you are displacing your worry about your situation on to her a little bit. That's ok and is completely understandable. Just don't give her a hard time.

If you don't mind me saying...she sounds a little bit cautious around you and maybe scared of saying the wrong thing. Which shows that actually she cares very much about her relationship with you.

Her answer sounds fine.

I think her message is fine. Unless she is your best friend as well and you are usually really, really close.