Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

You can't make people be how you want them to be. I was diagnosed with cancer in my 30s when I had 2 toddlers. It was a complete shock. A rare cancer that hardly ever effects women under 60. For over a year I was terrified I'd leave my children without a mother. The reactions from family and friends were interesting. Only a couple of people gave very heartfelt, long responses. The vast majority sent a few glib words "Oh you'll be fine", "You're young, you'll survive". Some people made a JOKE of it (obviously their attempt to lighten the mood but I really couldn't see the funny side of the situation). The thing that hurt me most was the people that avoided me, avoided the issue, wouldn't talk about it. I went away with 2 of my closest friends and was desperate for a chance to talk about it but they wouldn't let it be discussed at all. It was brushed under the carpet. One friend shut me down with "For goodness sake, people suffer far worse situations". So what I'm trying to say is people just don't know what to say!! Pre-cancer I can see I was the same! I trotted out all the same old clichés if ever anyone had a problem. Your mother in law offered to talk about it. Many (most) people wouldn't have offered that. She sounds lovely. You need to stop expecting only one particular reaction from people.

I put yabu - but I really, really understand how you feel. The fear, the stress etc. I've lived it. I know how overwhelming it is and how it infiltrates every part of your life.
But you haven't told your mil that. You've shared the medical details - and for you it's obvious that you'll be a wreck. But you actually did a little joke about comfort eating chocolate. And again I get that, when you use humour to keep going.
She thanks you for the update. She might be really touched by how much intimate detail you're sharing
Perhaps she feels you have enough to deal with - doesn't want to add her fear onto yours. She's listened about the "it'll be OK" infuriating platitudes. There are none of those.
You've told her what not to say but have you told her what you want to hear?

Also a key point - the words she puts in a text message may not reflect her feelings accurately. I think what she said was heartfelt and lovely (but you don't seem to). Who knows, maybe she is desperately worried, maybe she's in tears but is hiding that from you as she doesn't want to worry you. My friend who sent the most flippant messages when I had cancer told me years later that she couldn't sleep for worrying about me.

Think you might be a bit oversensitive and letting your stress land on her as a convenient distraction . Don’t look for things to be offended about that aren’t there .....Good luck with everything !

@Lalla525 I totally get what you mean. About not texting people because you know their response will be dismissive. Or ‘try not to worry’ or ‘you’re getting the best care’ or worse still when your baby is in NICU ‘don’t worry, he’s in the best place’ It’s all just meaningless platitudes designed to make the person sending the text feel like they’ve said something useful or offered support. When I’m reality, they haven’t. I had two babies in NICU and stressful pregnancies. Most people I just stopped saying what I was feeling. But I’m lucky to have a couple of friends where I can really explain how I feel. And they listen and don’t dismiss it. From this thread it sounds like most people don’t really get that. They’re more of the ‘how are you?’ ‘I’m fine thanks’ kind of people. It makes me feel empty to have those kind of conversations. Anyway, I’m rambling now! If you can even get one or two people in your life to be able to have real conversations with then that’d be great. Even online is helpful.

I think many many people here were very helpful (even if they thought I was unreasonable, they still shared valuable insights) and was good to talk through a few bits, from my worry to my difficulty in expressing it.

One thing that struck me is this concept of "lower (or change) expectations" because "I can't demand the reaction I want". Now, the second point is totally correct and this is exactly why I do not share hurtful things. Given the impossibility to control people responses once they have been given the information, I tend to control them by NOT giving the information. Sure, this means I have "less support", but it is less of the "unwanted support". Generally, I then share once the problem is mostly solved, so that whatever people say, it does not hurt.

Going back on the first point, i.e. lower my expectations, hence making the "unwanted support" to become "wanted support", I am not sure I agree or even think it is possible. If I were to give this news to the group of friends we spend most time with, I would have a very painful time. Sure, their reaction would not be their fault and they would do it with the best of intentions, but why would I want to hear for one hour comments like "at least it is well managed in the hospital?" And "I'm sure it will all be fine in the end" or "my sister's baby was born at 36 weeks and it was fine". I find those comments unhelpful, but I could not tell them so, so would need to spend an hour pretending they were being helpful and pretending I was feeling comforted by their words, because they are putting a genuine effort into it.

I appreciate it is quite a self-centered view, but realistically - when I am upset and worried - I need two things. People acknowledging my feelings and people helping me to formulate a sensible plan which i can focus on (and be able to talk though again many times). I do not need, and I am giving a stupid example here but nothing better comes to mind, someone to go to shopping with. And if I know that it's all somebody can provide as an assistance, I will not look for support there.

And "I'm sure it will all be fine in the end" or "my sister's baby was born at 36 weeks and it was fine". I find those comments unhelpful

seriously, this is a perfectly normal response. It's a very normal thing to say. And with a planned c-section at 36 weeks with everything on standby that might be needed, the baby will probably be fine.

I really think you need to give your head a wobble. I appreciate it's a difficult time for you but you come across as a self centred drama queen.

This is so sad. If you can only relate to the tiny minority of people who feel and understand things in the exact same way that you do, who have the time and energy to devote to you (to go over things again and again), and the ability to express themselves the way you need them to, you are going to be so lonely and unsupported through life. I feel for you.

And if you get angry and upset with perfectly lovely people, and cry when they send perfectly sweet texts, your relationships with the people who matter, are going to suffer.

I wonder of counselling might be good for you at some point in the future?

I appreciate it is quite a self-centered view, but realistically - when I am upset and worried - I need two things. People acknowledging my feelings and people helping me to formulate a sensible plan which i can focus on

but people acknowledge it - just not in the way you approve it. As for expecting you of people to help you to formulate a plan you can focus on - I don't know what to say. You expect a lot.

OP, when my husband was dying of cancer, it was very rare for anyone to say or do exactly what I needed. Often they weren't even close. But I recognised that everyone was doing their best to support us. That they meant well. I felt surrounded by love and concern, even if what they said was banal or just plain wrong.

It would be ridiculous of me to expect them to understand exactly what we were experiencing. They weren't living it. The experience of their friend with an entirely different cancer at an entirely different stage was no help to us. But they were trying. They were using what experience they had to try to empathise and be positive.

And that's how you have to try to see it. Don't think less of the people who care, because they're not 'doing it right'. Just take from their effort, that they care.

I am not "expecting" or "demanding" anybody to do "anything". I am laying out things I need. Not things I demand or expect.

In addition, as I tried to explain many times, it's not the 36 weeks cesarean the problem. However, how this thread clearly demonstrates and I was fully aware of it beforehand, people will think THAT is the problem and will consider mine an overreaction. Which is all fine- hence my not sharing. Ultimately, I can log off mumsnet if it becomes too much. I can not log off a dinner in real life if it becomes too much (although, lately, with zoom that would be an opiton).

I am not "expecting" or "demanding" anybody to do "anything"

But the fact that you reacted to your MIL's text, demonstrates that you did "expect" something more from her.

I mean this with kindness OP but I really think, when your pregnancy is over as now is not the right time, you need to speak with someone about how you feel and expect when it comes to emotional support.

The expectations you have are not normal and obviously having a detrimental effect on your life e.g. pushing friends away as you anticipate their response not being what you want.

You say you cannot lower your expectations but I do think you need help on that or at least on how to manage them. As a pp said you will push so many people away that you may end up quite lonely and it is a lot of burden to put on your parents and DP. You may find that they walk on eggshells a bit to ensure they give you the right response. That is not healthy and may cause tension with them, unintentionally or not, later on.

There must be something that triggers this extreme response in you and I think some form of counselling will be beneficial to your own mental health long term.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy

Your pre-empting negative outcomes of conversations you haven't even had yet in the assumed knowledge that they wouldn't give you the answer you need.

Without a crystal ball your trying to control the impossible. Emotional self preservation perhaps?

Thanks for the update

I wouldn’t be providing anymore updates after that response. yes it sounds very dismissive after the detail you gave her, she does add a nice comment but That doesn’t negate her initial reply.

These things can fester.

I would reply ‘thanks for the update? , or some similar emoji to let her know.

@scubadive rtft rather than suggesting something so passive aggressive. The OP has posted a second text from the MIL which is a very sweet and empathetic one.

Oops. I should learn not to skim, as you mentioned the second text. But that makes your suggestion even stranger, @scubadive

Op there are some very insensitive soles on her replying. ‘Thanks for the update’, like you have given her a work briefing update, or revised arrival time of a plane landing, your journey time or some other mundane issue, is a completely insensitive response to the detail you gave her about your worrying pregnancy scan and I would also be very hurt by such an insensitive response. Unfortunately there are a lot of insensitive people in the world as evidenced on here and those people are always too keen to criticise you as being too sensitive or worse criticism like self absorbed, expecting too much blah blah blah, then see it for what it is. Thoughtless insensitivity of their own actions and completely avoidable. Unfortunately my experience is that such thoughtless people usually lash out and blame you instead of accepting their insensitivity as the issue. And on mumsnet it is often the sensitive person that is deemed to be in the wrong instead of the insensitive one, Perhaps there are more of them.

Being sensitive is also about being empathetic to those trying to help.

See my post about eight above your last one, @scubadive. If when my husband was dying I'd been insensitive to those trying to support us, I'd have lost out big time. You have to recognise care and love in whatever form it takes, instead of getting wound up because it's the wrong sort of help for me

@saraclara passive aggressive to let someone know you are feeling hurt, wow just wow, you sound utterly charming.

The fact that MIL followed up her txt, I would suggest, indicates that she knew her first one had been a bit abrupt and needed following up.

This doesn’t negate the way op was laid in to on here for daring to feel hurt by her original reply.

@Lalla525 your post about an hour of unhelpful comments sounds familiar. I really hope you find some people who get it at some point. There are people out there like that. In real life.

You say that the problem is not the caesarean at 36 weeks, then what is it? the team have offered a caesarean at 36 weeks because that is the right thing to do......

OP you seem to think the world resolves around you, you seem not to be happy with any support because its not how you want it to be or people are trying to be positive. I think you like to glory in drama and negativity, your words I like to discuss and form a plan, you sometimes cant do you get upset angry when things do not go the way you have planned?
You wrote in your first post you wanted to see if people thought you or your partner were in the right, everyone thinks the text message your MIL sent was fine and yet you are still trying to find fault by saying people do not get it, its not this its that....
You are dismissing peoples advice on here and in RL, I really think that you should get some counselling, because if you don't you like end up very lonely and cut off from all those around you.

@saraclara yes sorry. Meant to say I do not expect that from friends (hence why I do not share). From her, after the lengthy conversations we had on this, I was indeed expecting more, I admit that.

I think one of the problems of my text is that it does not really emphasise what the problem is, but only the management (which is the cesarean). And I can see it in this thread too. People keep commenting on how a 36 weeks cesarean is not that big deal. And even my MIL has multiple times said that my partner was born at 35 weeks and he turned out fine. However my real problem is 'if I go into labour before cesarean my baby is dead'. That's the scary part. Not the cesarean.

To people suggesting help or the fact i will push friends away. The second claim is plain false as they have no idea about all this. So how could they be pushed away is beyond my understanding. I am supportive when asked for help and of generally good company when we see them. Not really see how my choices about privacy can interfere with that. Regarding help, if I write a list of things I want to improve about myself, and it is long, this does not make the top ten. So surely help is a great thing, but I'd use it for different scopes tbh.

@teenangles I'm so not dismissing people's advice. I'm having a conversation, based on two-way discussion.

I've thanked people multiple times and remarked many times that many points were very good. I'm not trying to prove anybody wrong.

So, in the best possible way, I strongly disagree with your comment.

Also, the conversation about MIL text is kind of over... I feel bad about the situation, her message did not help me, it was however a very nice message according to 96% of people, so would say no further actions there are needed. And this morning I feel very indifferent about that particular message (less so about the general topic, which I find interesting and helpful for me)