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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

259 replies

Trapordo · 17/04/2020 12:56

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 18/04/2020 19:02

And sorry to keep harping on, but if you want to be a midwife, think long and hard before doing anything. Nursing and midwifery are very different jobs, and once you've done one NHS course you'll struggle to get any financial support to do another.

Ludways · 18/04/2020 19:36

As a 53 year old woman, I say go for it. You have a lot of life ahead of you, if you have a chance to be in a job you love then you need to grab that opportunity with both hands. The house will come just a few years later, by the time you're my age you'll have a home and a career.

You do need to get your dh to see this too, though. You do owe him a chance for discussion.

Rachel709 · 18/04/2020 21:17

He should support you in Your dreams. You will regret it if you don't do it.

Wafty · 18/04/2020 22:29

I'm a nurse, although coming up to retirement now.
I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so not sure if this helps but there are various routes to obtaining a nursing degree these days. I work with younger people who are taking the Nurse Associate route, some will be happy to remain as Nurse Associates (bit like the old style SEN) and others intend to go on to qualify as a registered nurse. My hospital also seconds HCAs to do a nursing degree. Both these options are salary paid positions which involve working as a HCA whilst training. I also work with one chap who did his nursing degree through the OU, over 4 years. He worked full-time as a HCA throughout.

angelfacecuti75 · 18/04/2020 23:46

I think you should put the point to him that you are delaying it not obstructing it. That if you retrain you'll be a happier woman who earns more. Happy wife =happy life. Yes , it'll financially be harder , yes it's a sacrifice. It's not impossible though and you'll be better off financially in the long run. I think your hubby is right to be concerned and makes a very valid point. But can he really call you selfish for wanting a better career ? I bet if it were a man they would not be questioned as much and the woman would just expected to put up and shut up. I'm not saying it won't be hard but can he really stop you ? I mean if you really wanted it would he and would it strain the relationship ? Would it be the same if you were him ? Is there an unequal balance in the relationship? I think sometimes whatever we do , however we try and progress women face far more criticism than men. Every single choice I've made has been up for criticism since I was 21 and became a mother. I could not just be a mother.
Can you do it at the open uni or distance learning or something?
I dunno. I'm a woman too. I don't want to throw sexism in the ring if it isn't so , but why can't you retrain? I understand he is your husband but I think a partners role is to support not veto a decision . I'm not naive enough to suggest that a lover doesn't have a say in how we live our lives but we still gotta live our lives despite being with that person . We are still humans with needs despite being mothers. And I think that a patriarchal society expects a lot from us women and places under a lot of pressure and some of that pressure comes from family itself in my experience.

Lockheart · 18/04/2020 23:54

To everyone saying he should support his wife no matter what - what exactly would you suggest if OP starts her training and then a year later he, seeing how happy and fulfilled his wife is, decides he too is bored and wants to follow his dreams and retrain. As his wife should support him no matter what, there must be no argument or consideration of the practicalities of course.

Who cares where the money and the food and the roof over you child's head comes from when you've got dreams eh?

Look, OP needn't write it off yet but she has a family to consider now and not just herself. As does her husband. When you're a family no individual gets to make unilateral decisions for themselves, especially when it has a negative impact on other family members.

Original poster
Trapordo · 19/04/2020 07:53

You do need to get your dh to see this too, though. You do owe him a chance for discussion

That's the thing, I don't feel like it is up for discussion Sad

OP posts:
mumsonthenet · 19/04/2020 08:40

Fly

mumsonthenet · 19/04/2020 08:51

Flyingflaminoges has great advice.
I say retrain.
You will find that people within your family and circle will probably support you and childcare can work
Let's face it all working parents let alone parents always have to juggle and compromise but a career no way!

Porcupineinwaiting · 19/04/2020 09:08

Trapedo it should absolutely be up for discussion, and the discussion should be about "when" and "how", not "if".

You can't spend your life with someone who rides roughshod over you. What happens if you tell him you want to discuss how the next 5years are going to pan out (a discussion that includes house buying, retraining, whether you want more children, how childcare is going to work going forward etc)? Do he still.refuse to engage?

Original poster
Trapordo · 19/04/2020 09:36

Porc He will talk about it but not in any detail really, enough so we know what the rough idea is but he 'won't chat' about any of it and the conversation is over quite quickly.

He wants another DC before he's 32. And wants to buy a house. I don't know further 'details' and ins and outs. He won't really engage

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 19/04/2020 09:39

I guess the question you need to ask yourself then is can you do it alone? And do you want it enough to leave your marriage over? Do you want another kid before your DH is 32??

Original poster
Trapordo · 19/04/2020 09:44

No... I don't want anymore children. I don't see it for myself and want just my one DC. H knows this though, and ivz forced him into a Frank conversation about it.

I wanted to know if he would resent me. He said he didn't think so, no. And he would feel very sad about no more DC if that's what I really stuck with. But ultimately he isn't prepared to break the family unit to have DC with someone else, since he only wants children with men

OP posts:
Original poster
Trapordo · 19/04/2020 09:44

That should say with me, not with men Grin

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 19/04/2020 09:47

He wants another child before he's 33

Does he now. Hmm Then tell him you'll think about a second once you've finished retraining. Seriously, if hes ok in principle but doesnt want to work out the fine detail then you work it out and tell him (I'll be starting my training in X and it will take x years for me to qualify). But dont let him use mortgage and children to tie you to his plan for a nice life (him the big wage earner, you the little woman who dies the house and kids at the expense of her own career and financial independence).

ThePlantsitter · 19/04/2020 09:48

He's really not listening to you then is he. I dunno what your answer is but the issue doesn't seem to be about the nursing but about you making your own decisions about your life.

Porcupineinwaiting · 19/04/2020 09:49

X post. Obviously dont have another child if you dont want one. You are 22 - many, many more years for childbearing if you change your mind at any point.

giggly · 19/04/2020 09:50

Sorry not read the whole thread but a bit confused as to why a nurse prescriber? I presume you mean work as a nurse who has the additional qualification to allow you to prescribe. Smile

riotlady · 19/04/2020 12:20

@Fedupwithex bursary is being reintroduced at 5k a year basic. And nurses start on just shy of 25k (which is not enough given what they do, imo, but not terrible)

Snog · 19/04/2020 13:50

In a marriage everything needs to be up for discussion and your DH very much owes you a proper discussion on this.

In my view if you can't have this then the marriage is doomed to make you miserable.

Crazyunicornlady · 19/04/2020 15:38

16k to work two days? That is not a rubbish admin job then, considering loads of admin jobs out there pay that for full time hours.

Appuskidu · 19/04/2020 15:40

16k to work two days? That is not a rubbish admin job then

That’s more than I earn for 2 days a week teaching after 22+ years and at the top of the upper pay spine!

CalleighDoodle · 19/04/2020 15:49

That’s more than I earn for 2 days a week teaching after 22+ years and at the top of the upper pay spine!

Exactly. And nursing is the same. Absolutely bonkers decision.

LondonMrsA · 19/04/2020 15:53

Just do it.

OctFeb · 19/04/2020 21:58

I would strongly recommend working as a care assistant before embarking on nurse training. This will give you an idea of what to expect and a good foundation to build on. You will learn the basics of personal care, hospital routine, performing observations etc. As well as getting used to shift work and shift patterns.
It would make for a far gentler transition to being a student nurse.