To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

[Trapordo]

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will

AIBU?

How much hands on care experience do you have? Agree with pp on looking for or work as HCA in hospital or a carer in care home/community.

You're not going against him as such because it's not his place to dictate to you what you can and can't do on the first place... you are informing him of your decision and he needs to be supportive.

He doesn't need to be supportive at all. Nice if he was but OP is moving the goalposts about 5 miles down the road.

What they both have to decide is if this is a deal breaker or not because this kind of job has massive implications on the family- and not just financial ones. The OP can only unilaterally make that kind of decision if she's going it alone.

Sorry, £16,000/year for 2 days per week? So £40,000/year pro rata?

agree, you said you are stuck on rubbish paid admin jobs but you won't earn 40k as a nurse.

I agree with the poster who mentioned getting bank work as a HCA to see if you enjoy working in that environment first. It's a massive decision, so not one to be rushed.

There are two issues here and they're being conflated:

1. Your husband is dismissive of a discussion of what you want in your career.

1. You want to be a nurse, which will take training, and will also pay you less for more hours, with more stress as well as shift work.

Your husband may be an arse. But it may also be true that your nursing idea is, frankly, a hare brained scheme. It's also possible that it's both if those things.

You sound intelligent, but you're also 22 so may have a little too much idealism left in you, that causes you to think that you'll be "fulfilled" in a job that pays less for crap hours and high physical risk.

I noticed you ignored my question regarding why you want to be a nurse, and what you'll get from nursing that your current role doesn't give you. Do you have an answer to that?

Saying it's your "passion" when you've never done it and dont want to be a care assistant etc makes it sound like you have a fantasy in your head rather than a clear picture.

In the end no one can tell you what to do or decide for you. Your idea doesnt sound clever though and it's hard not to side with your h on that.

We have just done this, but the other way around - DP took a massive salary cut to retrain in the military.

We've had to cut back massively, will be stuck in this tiny 1 bedroomed flat for at least another three years, no more holidays etc

BUT DP is so much happier, our relationship literally has a new lease of life as he has a renewed outlook on life.

Yes, there has been times where it has been hard and I've been frustrated but overall it has been a positive thing.

The difference is after the initial training period his salary will go to more than he would ever have earned in his previous profession, so it will a brighter future for us both.

I noticed you ignored my question regarding why you want to be a nurse, and what you'll get from nursing that your current role doesn't give you. Do you have an answer to that?

I didn't ignore, sorry, didn't see. I also didn't say I don't want to be a HCA (I am one of sorts on a Bank basis, for the area I work for 1 day a week). But I think the next step will be leaving my normal job that pays well and becoming a HCA, and then doing Nursing through the Open university. It's certainly more ideal than the uni route.

I'd like to be a nurse because I have a very genuine yearning to advocate for those who can't find the right words, for those too vulnerable to speak up and speak out. I like caring for people and to see someone go from strength to strength gives me such a buzz. On the other hand, I'm incredibly respectful of confidentiality and a person's individual choice. I strongly believe in bodil autonomy. In addition to all this though, biology and medicine really interests me and I've always had an interest in procedures, medication, treatment options

For those saying you'll never earn 40k as a nurse, yes you can. That isn't my personal goal, but it is possible.

It also isn't true that you'll rarely find a 'normal working hours' nursing role - I have one friend who is community based 4 days a week, the other is a friend of hers and is a 9 to 6 hours, 3 days a week in day surgery (after qualifying just 18 months ago).

That's not to say its as easy as chips, but they are out there. I remember talking to a distant cousin who's a nurse too. I remember questioning her long shifts and she said she didn't mind too much since it meant 3 days of work was technically full time. And so the other 2 working days etc could be spent with her kids.

I'm not saying it's for everyone but it can work. And yes my current permanent employer pays well but it isn't that common to get such good money. And, there isn't really the work to go full time or increase hours. Not only that though, but I'm bloody bored and don't like it. You could progress to project management or maybe even become an EA but it just isn't for me

Why a nurse prescriber? The nurses I know who have done this are split in 2 groups which are those who have worked 15+ years and progressed and were funded by the trust as part of their role, this is really hard in the current environment as funding is scarce. The other group are those doing botox who self fund and normally end up broke as there isnt much demand for a home aesthetics.

Nursing is hard, I've been qualified 15 years and am a band 6. I work part time which equates to 29 hours a week, I work mainly weekend nights and the odd weekday say shift this really enhances my pay and I earn just under 2k a month. We have very little family time though, a 9-5 job you get no unsocial hours and would probably struggle to bring home more than 1.5k a month. Nursing can be difficult to progress if you have a very rigid idea of what you want to do as there can be a lot of competition for senior posts. 9-5 jobs likely mean your child would be in childcare 8-6, this can be really challenging in school holidays. Nursing is supposed to be getting more family friendly but out of my huge group of nursing friends very few have been given exactly what they want with flexible working hours.

I trained before having kids, I have a friend training at the moment through an apprenticeship with a 2 and 4 year old and I'm very worried about her. Its emotionally draining, exhausting being on placement and trying to fit in uni work and spend any kind of time with her family. She has been expected to switch between shifts really quickly with very little time off inbetween which has been really hard on her as she is constantly exhausted. As a student you get no choice in your placement, you can be expected to travel a long distance.

Nursing is hard and you sound very passionate about it but it is a tough job and the realities of ward work are not what you may expect. Good luck if you decide to go for it but please make sure you do it with your eyes wide open and plenty of support with child care and uni work

Op have you looked at AHP roles? Such as OT or physio as these can still be 'helping and advocating'? While again lots of study and commitment, you are MUCH more likely to get the hours you are seeking.

Its true the 40,000 a year jobs exist but these arent the norm. The band 8 (40,000 nurse) is three ranks up from qualifying, so youll be a 5, then a 6, and then a 7 then reach that 8 wage. You'd be expected to have significant experience as its a managerial role (in fact in my role, im a senior as a 6, 7 is my team leader and 8 is a service manager (of 3 different specialities)) so for the nurse on 40,000 theres at least 30 nurses under that in my team. You'll not be earning that for some time (even discounting the 3 years training)

The same for week day roles. You'll be expected to have shift experience, obviously you'll earn more on anti social shifts.

High paid and working hours roles exist but its very much the exception rather the norm especially for a newly qualified.

For the 3 years will you be able to do placements with antisocial hours etc? I have an allied health role that seen as office hours, my placements were all more than 45 min drive each way and differing shifts

You are essentially asking your H to be the breadwinner, postpone buying a house and cope with a significant reduction in family income.

Cost your ideas out and don’t present half baked ideas.

Agent he's already the main earner. And if I did it via the open university route, I could work as a HCA whilst training.

I don't think wanting out of a job that makes me miserable is a half baked idea

It sounds like the cost to you will include alienating your husband and spending less time with your DC. In return for less earning power and an uncertain career path. Also the things you describe as motivating you to pursue nursing would be, to a great extent, offered by your current role, wouldn't they? Is there something else motivating you? E.g., do you want to be known as someone with a significant job? Do you crave status? etc?

If I were in possession of a PT job that paid me what yours pays you, and enabled me to spend a lot of time with my DC, then I'd work on my attitude towards my job tbh. You work a few hours a week at it, who cares if it's annoying? The payoff is enormous and all it takes is a change in your own attitude.

It's up to you whether you think the goal of "not being miserable in my PT job" will be solved by the change you are planning to make, and its attendant costs to your family life.

If you could work as a HCA while training then could you not stay in your current admin role and study? Do you need to do hca work for the OU option?

Mummy Yes you'd have to work as a HCA whilst doing the degree with the open university. It's the HCA work that transitions you on from HCA to nurse with the open university

I suppose you could work your usual job and do HCA work on top, but I think that's too much and even more time away from DC

rvby Yes but where do we go from there? It isn't a job I want to have long term and I don't want to progress in that area and have it as a career for the rest of my life. Why are you asking me if I crave status? I'd probably have much more 'status' in my current role than being a HCA and then a nurse

he's already the main earner

I guess it depends by how much. DH is the main earner in my household, but we each earn enough to cover all essential outgoings on either salary. If one of us lost our job now, we'd be less comfortable, but financially still OK.

If I wanted to quit my job and do something that earns far less (and takes up far more time), I'd be asking DH to be OK with the responsibility for our financial stability resting more with him. If he then got ill, lost his job or needed to quit, we'd be in financial danger once our savings had gone. It's a big ask, particularly if it'll stop you from getting on the property ladder and having the stability of knowing that, as long as you keep up repayments (and are not in the way of HS2 or similar) no one can kick you out of your house.

Personally, I don't think your DH is being unreasonable to say no to this. It's, objectively speaking, a bad idea. Take some time off after COVID has blown over and then actually get into hospital to shadow nurses and see what their lives are like. The grass is not always greener.

OP you sound great and like you would be an amazing nurse. It is definitely important to enjoy your work and do something you feel is worthwhile and it can be soul destroying to feel trapped in a job that you don't like. You have a long working life ahead of you so I think this is a good reason to change career now.

Regarding salaries a Band 7 nurse working 9-5 would earn £40k - this pay grade would be for an advanced nursing practitioner who can prescribe which I think is the role you have said you would like.

On the lower bands the salaries quoted on the pay scales are for nurses who don't work nights or weekends whereas most nurses do work at least some unsocial hours. Unsocial hours give you 30% extra pay for Saturdays and evenings and 60% extra for Sundays and bank holidays. This provides a big boost to basic wages for most nurses and a lot of Band 6 nurses who work shifts will also be earning £40k.

Lots of people are motivated by the status of "I have a job that is socially significant", that's not a slur, just trying to understand your motivation.

You already work in a helping role that, to my reading, offers a lot of the same intrinsic motivators as nursing would - so I'm trying to see what is so special about nursing that you'd sacrifice so much and create so much upset to pursue it.

Why do you want to "progress" when you already have a pt job on ft pay? There are so many other things to do with your time besides find a new and exciting way to blow through money and miss your DC childhood... in terms of "where to go from here", you could just work on your mindset and attitude first, as it relates to your job.

in terms of "where to go from here", you could just work on your mindset and attitude first, as it relates to your job

I don't think I have a bad attitude...

I'm not accusing you of having a bad attitude - I'm simply putting forward the possibility that there may be an opportunity for you to examine yourself carefully, and find ways to change the way you think.

You have a well paid job with few hours. You have a child. I can almost guarantee you that you can find a very happy lifestyle with those three things in the mix. The variable is your way of thinking about your job. You can change that yourself, without losing income and time with your child.

To me, that is good news for you - maybe you dont have to turn your life and marriage upside down, maybe contentment is well within your grasp with minimal investment of time/pain.

With the greatest respect I think you’re mental for considering it given your situation, you work two days a week doing a job that helps people and you’re on 16k, you have a small child and you’re saving for a mortgage. You have it very very good and what you’re proposing to do is very very difficult for less money, crap hours and ridiculous amounts of stress. You’re banking on a senior job role and good hours, but as others have said that will be many many years away and those roles are few and few between and extremely popular. You’ll probably be burnt out long before you get that job if that’s why you’ve picked nursing over midwifery. These kind of jobs attract a certain kind of person, and very rarely does that person pick this kind of profession because the hours are better than another one (because the hours are terrible). It’s more of a calling because for many years you will dedicate your life to your job and make huge sacrifices, only the very dedicated or the extremely lucky ones who get a cushy position early on stick it.

I’ve worked in the nhs for over ten years now, I’m not a nurse, I’m a clinical scientist in cardiology, so I’m patient facing and clinical, but with a lot less stress than nursing. There’s plenty of jobs that are much easier than nursing and pay the same or better that you can do that still help people and are clinical. Your issue is you have no relevant degree, so any training you embark upon would have to be an apprenticeship or undergrad level with next to no funding or a low salary. Really this is something you should have done before having a child, but since that ship has sailed I would advise you to buy the house, get a job as HCA and get some actual real life experience of nursing and see how you feel in a year or two’s time as you’re still very young.

I think this is tricky as PPs have said as you would be retraining into a role that has worse pay and pay prospects than your current role and more unsocial hours. I would be against my DH doing this I have to say. Can you think about what your other options might be? Surely there are other options beyond nurse and this job?

Would it bother you if your other half decided to give up his job as well so he could retrain for a few years and pursue a different career? I retrained after we married but it only worked because my husband was behind me, he took on the role of main parent. My parents were good at additional childcare when DH was tied up at work.
If you're looking at OU courses I suspect you'll have a lot of study at home and without your husband being behind you to look after the little one you may struggle.

I think the reality of my role is that it's rare to be paid quite so well for admin based jobs. So, if I didn't have my specific job, then what? I wouldn't be earning that much at all. I'm lucky for now but you can lose jobs very quickly in the private sector.

It isn't like I can float from job to job, doing the same thing for the same money.

You’re banking on a senior job role and good hours, but as others have said that will be many many years away and those roles are few and few between and extremely popular

No I'm not. I only mentioned those job roles as a few posters said outright that it isn't possible to earn 40k as a nurse. I'm not expecting to earn anything like that. Anything between 25 to 30 would do me nicely (full time, less if part time).