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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

259 replies

Trapordo · 17/04/2020 12:56

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
PeytonManning · 17/04/2020 16:54

If you want to be a nurse, go do it. And your DH can then work out what he wants to do with his reaction to it. If it really is your passion, it isn't going to go away. It is going to build resentment though.

Marriage is a compromise but there are compromises and then there is just stifling. There are going to be times in the future when your DH will be leaning on you in the figuratively same way you will be leaning on him doing this anyway.

That said, if you're just doing this because you're a bit bored, that's a whole other story.

G1rlB0yG1rl123 · 17/04/2020 16:55

12 hour shifts plus commute working days, nights, weekends are tough & not family friendly
Are you OK to work bank holidays, Christmas, New Year
A big change, compared to your current job of working 2 days per week

Will you support your DH if he wants to retrain or work part time in the future ?

I'm not trying to put you off. But you need to go in with all the information

Glowcat · 17/04/2020 16:56

There are a lot of women who end up at home not from choice but because they can’t afford two lots of childcare fees and they’re waiting until the youngest hits three and the free hours kick in. The higher your earning potential the easier it is to return to work and earn money (have a net gain after childcare costs) and to get a good mortgage.

lovepickledlimes · 17/04/2020 16:56

@BendyLikeBeckham difference is her decision to retrain will have finical implications right now and be putting something they had planned for on hold. His feelings should be considered as much as her's in this scenario

SinkGirl · 17/04/2020 16:59

I think you’d be crazy to do it now. A mortgage is likely to be cheaper than rent, and if you’d lose the qualification for free childcare then I’d wait until your child starts school at least. If you can up your hours in your job once you qualify for free childcare you can get a house sooner. That’s what I would do. Although you need to choose a mortgage deal carefully as if it’s a fixed rate for a short term you may struggle at the end of that.

decisionsincisions · 17/04/2020 17:08

Hello OP sorry don't have time to read whole thread but thought I'd mention - depending on where you are...
A couple of my NHS colleagues are working as health care assistants and are sponsored by the NHS to do their adult nursing through the open University alongside their role. They have a wealth of experience building from the HCA role and earn while they train up. Its the same 3 years it takes to qualify. We are in Scotland.

Best of luck.

formerchild · 17/04/2020 17:11

£16k for two days work is also quite a lot. If you're working 2 12hr days that puts you on 12.82 per hour. If you're doing a 9-5 that'll put you on 19.23. Newly qualified nurses usually earn just under £25k per year full time which put their hourly wage at about £12.80...

BarbedBloom · 17/04/2020 17:15

I would also add you cannot rely on your mother or family to help with night shifts etc. A friend did that and her mother sadly became very unwell and couldn't help anymore. You need to sit down and work out how this will work financially and without any family support aside from your husband. Only then can you work out if this is possible

vanillandhoney · 17/04/2020 17:18

You're on really, really good money for a two day a week position - I'd be really reluctant to give that up for a job that requires 12 hour shifts, weekends, nights and all the rest of it.

I would focus on getting on the housing ladder before you give up your income and your job to train. You don't want to be renting and reliant on just one income. Get yourselves a mortgage and then you have much more security and freedom.

Paininmyface · 17/04/2020 17:20

You can train "part time" if you're in the UK. OU offer nursing. Get into a health Trust and get a HCA post and take it from there. You get paid to train. I am a prescribing specialist practitioner, I earn a lot more than I did in admin but I work a lot harder. Swings and roundabouts. There will he a lot more training places available in the next 2 years than ever before.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 17/04/2020 17:28

A drop in household income is a joint decision. I'd never want my partner to be in a job they hate, but you're proposing to not only sacrifice a better salary, but also the flexibility of working two days a week, no shifts/on call arrangements, for longer, more stressful hours, working Christmases and bank holidays, a significant amount of debt, less quality time at home if you're studying in the evenings, and more. If my DP said to me that he was going to give up his job because he finds it boring and expect me to pick up the not inconsiderable slack without taking my views into consideration I wouldn't be happy either.

However, a flat 'no because I don't like nursing' isn't a good response. He should be willing to have a proper discussion about this.

If he doesn't agree though you're going to have to decide what's more important to you. A career as a nurse, or your marriage. If you don't do it because he doesn't 'let' you, you'll resent him (totally reasonably). If he does 'let' you despite not being fully onboard, or you just do it anyway, he's going to resent you (also reasonable). Either way it will take a significant toll on your relationship because you decision doesn't just affect you. If it's going to work you both need to be on board and prepared to work together to figure out the best way forward to make sure it's a success.

Hannah021 · 17/04/2020 17:33

Maybe its time to look for another job within the same field and pay... That might help you get out of the boring place and re-energise you... You'll get the best of both words, change of boring environment, and no financial loss.
if your partner becomes under financial strain, your partnership could end. Having a secure home is really important for a peaceful mind.

Mittens030869 · 17/04/2020 17:34

It doesn't need to be a pipe dream but I do think you should hold off for a few years before you do start to retrain; you're v. young so time isn't an obstacle for you yet.

I agree with this. You're doing well financially from your 2 days of work so I would agree with your DH that it would be best to wait until you've saved up for your house deposit.

DownstairsMixUp · 17/04/2020 17:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

G1rlB0yG1rl123 · 17/04/2020 17:55

Why not think outside the box

Stay in current well paid job
Do some volunteering or a second job or start a new hobby or a business on your other days

Or work full-time

Greenpolkadot · 17/04/2020 17:58

Since when has he been the boss of you?

Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 18:01

Thank you for all the advice Flowers there never is a time he will really 'talk' to me about it. And if I push it he always says now isn't a good time to talk, etc etc Sad

I always wanted to be a Midwife. I started my Access in September and quit in late October when our DD was sadly born too early. I just couldn't continue at that time. After the initial shock of it all, DH did do the' I told you so' for quite a while.

Although my true passion is midwifery, I appreciate and am keen on nursing too. It also has much better chance of a 'schedule' once qualified for a while. You can get some 9 to 5 nursing jobs etc. Whereas that doesn't exist with midwives. And you can do community but would then also be on call etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 18:04

Anyway, I have decided that practically I need to be putting the mortgage first.

I just feel so so sad that something I'm so passionate about is on hold, possibly for a good few years. It feels awful. I feel young but also very old (not in age)

OP posts:
Hannah021 · 17/04/2020 18:08

@Trapordo, good decision, but i'd reiterate to advise you to look for a job in ur field to change atmosphere... At least it would help keep u going while waiting for ur dream to come true

PanicAtTheDiscLo · 17/04/2020 18:11

Hi OP - where about’s do you live?
One of my friends is a lead nurse contributing to HEE’s in work training programmes.
I can get her to check if there’s any apprenticeships planned in the future in your area.
What’s your preference, children’s, adult or mental health?
Thanks

Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 18:14

Thanks Panic Smile my local hospital is the Luton and Dunstable

OP posts:
Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 18:15

Sorry, forgot to add preference is adult x

OP posts:
PanicAtTheDiscLo · 17/04/2020 18:16

Sorry my internet is painfully slow.
What about joining the HCA bank at your local hospital or trust.
You could do a couple of shifts a month to get some experience then apply for jobs as a HCA or MCA?

How much does your admin job earn? You could probably match it in terms of earning for a mortgage in the healthcare sector?

PanicAtTheDiscLo · 17/04/2020 18:17

I Will get investigating! X

DoIneed1 · 17/04/2020 18:17

Op I agree with another poster who has said that in terms of financial support for nurse training things could really change over the next 18 months.

Also have you looked at the OU? They offer all 4 nursing pathways.