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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

259 replies

Trapordo · 17/04/2020 12:56

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/04/2020 13:54

What happens if you change your mind again regarding career as you’ve already gone from midwife, not doing course and now thinking nurse?

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/04/2020 14:19

I suppose I am a bit on your DHs side because I don’t understand why anyone who has a family friendly, low stress £40k per annum job (if OP worked full time which she can work up to as the child(ren) get older would want to go into debt and retrain for a lower paid, non family friendly, stressful job?

It’s like a London hedge manager waking up one day and saying to their wife and child that they really want to be a sheep farmer. Thats their true calling and dream job and then expect their partner to completely up end their life and the lives of any children so this person can “follow their dreams”

Yes it ultimately your decision, but DH too can decide not to support you and the marriage will be over.

pokemongrief · 18/04/2020 15:01

Could you compromise, and work more hours at a job with better pay. Save hard for a year and then get a house? Once in the house start the retraining as mortgage is often lower than rent. Ultimately you will earn more as a nurse.

Original poster
Trapordo · 18/04/2020 17:09

Could you compromise, and work more hours at a job with better pay. Save hard for a year and then get a house? Once in the house start the retraining as mortgage is often lower than rent. Ultimately you will earn more as a nurse

Not really. I'm already pushing my luck a bit with the salary I'm on! It's always seemed like a really good salary. My previous role was a similar sort of pay but for much more hours and taking the odd work call etc outside of office hours, answering emails at home etc

OP posts:
Fedupwithex · 18/04/2020 17:33

@needsahouseboy the nhs nursery doesn’t exist, hasn’t done for years. Starting salary of a nurse is 22.5k so not decent at all.

Fedupwithex · 18/04/2020 17:34

@needsahouseboy bursary*

bluebluezoo · 18/04/2020 17:46

Without exception nearly everyone i know who started nurse/midwife/paramedic training post children gave up before they qualified.

The hours just aren’t family friendly. Nights and earlies you won’t be able to drop off at school or nursery. Lates you won’t be able to pick up. Your dh will need a flexible job or arrange flexibility. You can’t just not go in if your child is sick, you need robust childcare and your dh will need to be on board. My dh had a job in a male dominated field and they just didn’t get it when he needed to leave early or be in late - they all had sah wives and couldn’t understand why my job was as important as his.

Nurse prescribing is a long way down the road too. You’ll need to do the hours and shifts first.

Your still in your 20’s. why not think about it in 10 years when the dc is at secondary and will me more independent. Get on the housing ladder and save in the mean time.

FelicisNox · 18/04/2020 17:48

YANBU he is.

It's 3 years of training to come out on a better wage with unlimited earning potential if you're career minded.

If you don't do this and buy a house you will NEVER afford to retrain and your dream will be lost.

You're not being selfish he is.

FelicisNox · 18/04/2020 17:49

P.s

You're not going against him as such because it's not his place to dictate to you what you can and can't do on the first place... you are informing him of your decision and he needs to be supportive.

I think he's jealous of your high faluting dream.

BlokeTarget · 18/04/2020 17:50

Screw him. You have one life. Live it.

If you want to pursue a new career then go for it! You don’t need his permission.

You’re young and totally capable of doing this OP!!

Leahs1988 · 18/04/2020 17:51

I retrained as a nurse in my late twenties with a 3 year old and 6 month old. I'm now qualified and really glad I did it. I worked whilst i studied which isn't impossible and family helped with childcare when needed. My DP was supportive and we are now in a better place financially. Obviously everyone's circumstances are different but university and all my placements were accommodating and flexible when needed to be. It's a big decision and you would need your DP on side as its hardwork but very rewarding.

BrooHaHa · 18/04/2020 17:56

I think ultimately you have to decide it together. You would not be unreasonable to leave him to pursue nursing if necessary. However, he would also not be unreasonable to leave you if you took this step against his wishes. Being the partner of an NHS nurse is not easy. Maybe take some time to shadow someone in the job you're considering to see what their work life balance and daily stress levels are like?

csigeek · 18/04/2020 17:57

Honestly in your early twenties you have loads of time, if you’re only a year or two away from buying and house AND you could afford the mortgage and bills on your husbands salary alone once bought then I’d say wait.
If you’re several years away and you’d need to keep working to afford the monthly outgoings I’d say retrain now.
It’s not unreasonable of your husband to disappointed if you’ve been saving for a while already and it’s understandable but he also needs to see things from your point of view too and ultimately what will be best for both of you in the long term.

Snog · 18/04/2020 17:59

Could you keep your current 2 day a week job and work the other 3 days as an HCA?

Then you will see if nursing really is for you and be able to save more money at the same time. Also your dh will see you are committed.

I think you need more communication with your dh about how important this is to you and to come to an agreement on the best way to make it work.

ChikiTIKI · 18/04/2020 18:00

Your current salary is close to the top of the band 7 scale. Don't know what the right answer is about your career, but thought I would mention in case you wanted to know.

ChikiTIKI · 18/04/2020 18:01

I think @Snog 's idea is great!

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2020 18:09

@FelicisNox It's 3 years of training to come out on a better wage with unlimited earning potential if you're career minded.

Thats just not true.

Op is currently earning £40k a year f/t now.

After years of training she will be earning £22k a year. Shifts. Treated poorly. No pay rises.

Honestly, it is a dreadful career move. Maybe not if you are totally career focused, don't plan children, are able to take every opportunity presented, anywhere it arises, to move up the ladder quickly? But it will take you years of crappy shifts to get the salary you are currently on. My friend and her husband are both nurses. She started before him. They had two children together. Her career is much further behind his now.

Laine21 · 18/04/2020 18:09

If you don’t go for it you will resent him forever and a day. Try to bring him round to your way of thinking, it is a joint decision if it involves finances, but if those issues can be resolved then it eventually puts you in a better position for getting a mortgage.

CallmeBadJanet · 18/04/2020 18:25

DH wanted to retrain 5 years ago, but we couldn't afford for him to do it. 3 years later he lost his job so I encouraged him to do it then. We borrowed some financial help and he got his qualification. We're still completely broke (I'm ridiculously low paid), but he is happier and more stress free than he has been for years, and his career prospects are better than ever. As a couple your circumstances change....together. Practicalities and finances aside, he should be supporting you in finding a way for you to be happy. He's your husband. Not the boss of you. Good luck. ☘️

youcantchoosethem · 18/04/2020 18:26

I would suggest a compromise option if at all possible. Try to see both sides - as you seem to be doing. Open university is a fantastic route - I did my degree with them and my post grad quals and have to say they are fab with support (appreciate mine was completed 10 years ago and a different subject though!). A way to learn on the job, Re skill or up skill would be perhaps the best option. If you are only doing 2/3 days a week now perhaps you can look at options to use the spare time (I know it’s not spare when you have kids though!) for the training? It would mean the goal will take longer but you may be surprised at doors that open along the way and move you to something you didn’t expect - it did for me! Good luck.

Gemma2019 · 18/04/2020 18:36

In the meantime while you are saving have you considered being a medical PA with client contact - the jobs exist within private surgeries and hospitals and pay really well. You could get decent money but the job might feel more fulfilling to you.

Talulahoopla · 18/04/2020 18:43

I'd retrain, especially as you're young and feeling motivated. Once you have a house and the responsibility to go with it re-training might be more difficult, if not impossible. My sister retrained as a nurse after qualifying as a teacher. It was difficult to become a student all over again and to have limited finances but time passes really quickly and she's now in a job she loves, that she was made for and is making a good career out of it. You spend too much of your life at work to not do something that you love. Do it whilst you can if it's something you really want!

Popc0rn · 18/04/2020 18:55

Have you heard of Nursing Associates? It's relatively new, but it's sort of like an apprenticeship for nursing. At my hospital, people have to have at least one years experience as a HCA (usually paid as a band 2 salary), then apply and get accepted onto a two year course (no course fees and they are paid a band 3 salary while training). They attend uni once or twice a week, and are on placements the other days. After completion you become a Nursing Associate, and are paid a band 4 salary. You can then "top up" to be a registered nurse over 18 months.

Popc0rn · 18/04/2020 18:59

I wouldn't do the traditional uni route anymore; you'll end up paying your student debt forever. Nursing associate takes a little bit longer to become a registered nurse (or you could stay a nursing associate), but at least you are paid a salary throughout and leave with no debt.