To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

[Trapordo]

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will

AIBU?

I’ve text my friend to see if she can find anything out. But in the meantime could you contact the university of Bedfordshire
They do Assistant practicioner (in between a HCA and nurse and you can top up to be a nurse too!)
And a full nursing apprenticeship

www.beds.ac.uk/howtoapply/courses/apprenticeships

Panic Thank you so much! Yes had had a look at their apprenticeships but doesn't seem to be much more info on their site?

I think HCA and then asking the employer to support you alongside open university is ideal but just means making sure they'd be open to doing it. I don't want to take a HCA role, be there 6 months and then have them thinking I'm a cheeky mare for asking

@onanothertrain her DH is prioritising a lifelong investment over the fulfilment and happiness of his wife. He wants her to carry on being unhappy in her job and for what? So she doesn't make any extra demands on him? He might have to step up and do childcare and wifework if she starts FT education and shiftwork. Not supporting her life goals is a leavable offence IMO. There are grants and bursaries available for student childcare and for nursing degrees - I suggest the OP researches these.

If they are suitably housed, albeit renting, then they aren't going to be homeless over her career choice, just later to the housing ladder. And why is this a priority over career happiness and fulfilment?

I forgot to say Good Luck OP. Don't let him piss on your dreams. We need people like you to be nurses and midwives, because you so clearly are passionate about it. Please stand your ground and demand his support. You shouldn't be the one who decides.

HE* shouldn't be the one who decides I meant

@Trapordo

With 3 years of placement you may become more used to the hours.
If midwifery is where your heart is..

I'm starting my access in September, good luck!

I would not bank on 9-5 nurses hours. It can take years to get that.

Good grief.... don’t expect to get family friendly hours. In a long career, I was still doing 12 hr shifts, 7 on 7 off. It’s tough, tiring, no scrap that ... absolutely exhausting. And wonderful too at times. But don’t be under any illusion about the work. It’s physically and mentally tougher than anything you’ve done before, I guarantee.

I am waiting to see if bursaries are reinstated.

@BendyLikeBeckham Would you be happy if your husband just switched careers that massively changed your income as a household for the foreseeable future and changed the way your family life works without taking you into consideration?

Bendylikebeckham projecting much?

The OU route is a good one, as you’re effectively employed whilst you’re in ‘training’. However, you might want to consider whether you want to be trained, or have a more rounded education.
I work in education for medics, nurses and AHPs, and the political landscape is likely to change, as an outcome of this pandemic. You may suddenly see the reinstatement of the bursary for nursing degrees.
You’re already tight to apply for September 2020, so maybe think about an HCA type role (even through the bank system) to get experience, which will stand you in good stead for interviews for a nursing degree - and start thinking about applying for September 2021.
I’m not convinced I’d be jumping into buying property right now, and there will always be job security in nursing.

@YgritteSnow Does he now?

Well yes, he gets a say if he's going to have to financially support her!!!!

You wouldn't be saying that if it was the DH wanting you retrain. You'd be saying "How dare he expect you to financially support him whilst he retrains?!"

Have you looked at how long it would take you to get on £40k as a nurae if you started training now?

So with the update, he doesn’t sound particularly supportive. I still think it’s not the right time right now, but you should tell him I will stick with my job for at least a year or two and save for a house If you have a serious considerate talk about my dreams. If you can’t do that and I don’t feel listened to or cared about we can’t look at buying until we’ve had counselling, which will cost.
Probably you should then insist on counselling, don’t be fobbed off with ‘I sat there for a whole 30 minutes and listened to you before stomping off so of course I care!’ But do convey you know these decisions affect your family not just you in case you’re not doing that and that’s the real problem he has.
Are you trying for a baby? A personal question I know but given your loss last year, relevant. Does that affect house buying plans? Keep looking at the different options, and don’t feel like a failure because you couldn’t complete the access course, it was very difficult circumstances.

Train, be a nurse.
If you being happy in your career is a massive deal breaker for your husband, then so be it. At least you know he doesn't give a shit about your happiness now and not in twenty years time.
If he was unhappy in is job, wouldn't you help him find something he liked better instead of telling him that he had to stay there because it was easier for you? Why isn't he doing the same for you?

You should follow your heart if nursing is your dream career BUT you also need to be practical. You are young and have plenty of time to retrain, university application cycle is over for this year I think, so the earliest you would be looking at is Sep 2021? It sounds like you have a good job, if your dc is eligible for free hours this year why not increase your hours to 3/4 days per week for a year or so and do bank/agency work as a hca to build up experience and get some savings behind you.

As others have said, funding for healthcare courses may be reviewed following the pandemic so perhaps worth waiting for that?

As a nurse (I retrained aged 30) I feel I have to point out that 9-5 roles are like hens teeth at band 5. Trusts will often fund specialist courses like prescribing but there's usually an application process and it's reliant on role and experience so can be competitive unless self funding. I'm sure you know this, but just be aware it will take you a long time to start earning the same hourly rate that you get now - longer hours, more stress for a lot less money.

If you were planning to buy a house soonish I agree with previous posters that it might be an idea to do it before training - virtually impossible to get a mortgage as a student, unless your partner is a v high earner. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Also, your husband has no right to point blank say "no" - of course he doesn't! The two of you should hopefully be able to work together to find a way forward.

YABU

I'd support a partner who wanted to retrain to take a higher paid job,
but not a lower paid job with more hours

If you were being bullied, I'd support moving to a new job in the same field,
but not just if you're bored

Work is something you do to pay the bills
Being bored isn't a good enough reason to cut down the family income and increase the hours that you'd be away

It sounds like DH is maybe concerned because you started the access and then understandably dropped out, but are now looking at a different profession. When I decided I wanted to retrain as a midwife, I looked at all of the finances and wrote it all out. I worked my ass off for a few years to build up our savings and adapted our lifestyle to a more frugal one. I then wrote out all the figures to make sure it could work (more for me to be honest as I am the one who always worried about money, DH was always happy for me to retrain).

Could you work more and save a bit first? Why not just go ahead with the access and see from there, you need to be absolutely sure nursing is the right path for you. It is unusual to be so set on midwifery and then flip to nursing. I also knew nursing was a more sensible choice for me, but my heart just wasn't in nursing.

You talk a lot about finances, a band 5 nursing post Mon to Fri 9-5 will not pay well to be hones. Midwives move on to band 6 quickly and the shift work pays much better than daytime work. You might be surprised by how well shifts can work with family life, many like me do 30 hours, which in the hospital equates to two long days and a 'half' shift (0730-1330 or 1300-2030). You then get 4 days off a week.

Give it more thought and planning, but go with your heart as well as your head. No point going through all of that for a career that isn't really the one you even want.

I would do it, in three years you’d be on a decent wage that will increase year on year. Better to be a bit skint for 3 years than always in low paid jobs. You will be entitled to childcare, bursary etc.

I still managed to work shifts while training and so did my friends even those with children. It’ll be a hard few years but the end will be worth it.

How much more would you need saving to buy a place? Could you get a mortgage on his income alone or would you need to wait until you are a nurse and been working for some time?

You are earning an amazing income for you age and pt, many nurses would trade their place for yours!

Do you plan on having more kids?

All these need to be considered but all in all, I would say it is likely to be easier to get on the ladder, get a place maybe another child if that's what you want and train afterwards. Even if you train at 30, you've got another 30 years us to be a nurse, that a long time.

You need to consider the impact on the whole family, not just what you want to do. Write down all the financial details for the next few years a) if you continue as you are, and b) if you retrain as a nurse. Then discuss further with DH. TBH on the basis of the facts here it looks as though your DH has valid reservations.

I vote find a way, and I would give the same advice to a man in the same position.

I'm thinking about if DH, the main earner in our house, wanted to do something similar. Well, it would be a massive pain in the arse and would require me to step up my working life massively. But honestly I would do my damnedest to make it happen if it was a vocation he really wanted to do. If expect the same from him too.