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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

259 replies

Trapordo · 17/04/2020 12:56

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will Sad

AIBU?

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 17/04/2020 13:15

such a difference in replies to this thread and this similar one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3879223-DH-doesnt-want-me-to-do-anything-with-my-life

OP, get this moved to Relationships and off AIBU, or you'll have the Cool Wives Club out in force expecting you to put up with loads of sexist shit from your DH

Brooksey5 · 17/04/2020 13:15

Could you get a job as a HCA? For now so that you’re working towards your goal and then once you’ve bought a house go to uni for the full training.

You’ll find it a lot easier to get into a uni course if you have experience

raydeeo · 17/04/2020 13:16

Whilst training join a health care agency and work shifts around your uni schedule. You could easily fit in 20-30 hours a week if you can be flexible and it would be relevant work experience in many ways. So no loss of income, and you can still train??

JasonPollack · 17/04/2020 13:17

Retrain now. You are young, houses aren't going anywhere. Do not sacrifice your future for someone else's financial stability.

BendyLikeBeckham · 17/04/2020 13:18

Why shouldn't you have a fulfilling career? He should support you, as you have supported him by bearing his child and taking mat leave to care for said child. You are a team.

Plus, if the marriage ends one day, you need to have some means of supporting yourself and your child. Financial independence is so so valuable.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 17/04/2020 13:18

@BendyLikeBeckham makes a good point. I think you have every right to follow your dreams and retrain. Do you really want to buy a house with someone who won't let you go to uni and retrain?

Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 13:19

Brooke I have close related experience. I work 1 day a week as what is essentially a counsellor for pregnant women, for British Pregnancy Advisory Service. I work alongside nurses and midwives. Can't do the job as a main role because it doesn't pay well enough

OP posts:
raydeeo · 17/04/2020 13:19

I should also add, your husband needs to see the bigger picture. After a few years your income will go up substantially, you'll be able to work anywhere in the world and you'll have great job security. You can continue saving then.

Oly4 · 17/04/2020 13:19

Your DH is being unreasonable because surely you’ll be better off in the long run on a nursing/advanced partitioner salary? Also, following your dreams is important.

Ylvamoon · 17/04/2020 13:19

I'd say get DH on your side! Its a solid investment into your future and future earning potential! Including a bigger, better house. There should be grants available to help with living and childcare costs

LimpidPools · 17/04/2020 13:20

Sorry, £16,000/year for 2 days per week? So £40,000/year pro rata?

If that's correct, you're not unreasonable to want to be a nurse, but that is not a rubbish admin job.
There's plenty working full time in admin for not much more than that.

Letseatgrandma · 17/04/2020 13:21

And are you expecting him to support you financially while you retrain?

This.
If the answer to this question is yes, then you can’t ‘go against’ him and retrain anyway. It has to be a joint decision.

Starlightstarbright1 · 17/04/2020 13:21

Early twenties . Got a children . I would say yes find a way . If that’s the career you want far too young to be tied into a career you don’t like.

MsFrosty · 17/04/2020 13:22

I would say now is the time to do it, it'll only be harder once you are locked into a mortgage. You have, if your lucky, another 45 years of working life left, do you want to spend that in a job you hate? personally would apply and see what happens

Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 13:22

DH is against it because nurses don't really earn very well and get a lot of shit, with all the other stuff like 12 hour shifts thrown in.

I earn more now than I would as a Band 5 nurse in my area. So he thinks it's madness to drop a secure job on good money for so much stress and poor pay

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 17/04/2020 13:22

The time to study was pre commitments rather than have someone else have to pick up the financial slack and lose what they want.

My ex H said this, point blank, no discussion. Told me I needed to be happy with "a little job" and I should have done all that before I met him. I left him. No point in being married to someone who just wants you to stay exactly where they want you to be, forever.

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2020 13:22

Earning £16,000 for 2 days a week sounds good money. Can’t you up your hours for a short time, save hard, then retrain? You’re young yet.

Waveysnail · 17/04/2020 13:23

You get 16k for two days work. So going back fulltime 5 days a week when DC gets free hours you would earn 40k a year. If that's the case I can see why do doesnt want you to retrain tbh.

Brooksey5 · 17/04/2020 13:23

I think you have to think of this in the reverse and how you’d feel if it was the other way round. If you’re a partnership you should be making these decisions together.

onanothertrain · 17/04/2020 13:23

bendylikebeckham there is no evidence that the OPs DH is sexist and piss off with the cool wives shite. This will have a huge financial implication on them as a family. Just going ahead and doing it would be selfish. If this was a woman saying her husband was going to leave his job and go to uni no matter what she said the replies would be very different.

goingoverground · 17/04/2020 13:25

Have you looked at nursing apprenticeships?

How long do you think it will take you to save for a deposit? It's financially harder to save for a deposit and pay rent than pay a mortgage. Once you have the deposit, might the apprenticeship salary be enough to be able to afford mortgage payments?

Original poster
Trapordo · 17/04/2020 13:25

16k is a lot for 2 (occasionally 3 days if I'm a bit behind). But it is a PA role and I'm so fed up of it all. It isn't a 'crap' job but it's boring me to tears and works me very hard

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 17/04/2020 13:26

At your stage in life I would not be happy if my DH decided he wanted to drop his pay, retrain and then at the end have a job that has more stress, less pay and worse hours.

Sorry but you should put your ambition on hold until you are in a very secure financial situation and your relationship, family life and finances can all take a hit - because that is what you are asking for.

Lockheart · 17/04/2020 13:26

If you're going to change the plan you both made together and expect him to support the family on his own whilst you do this it has to be discussed between both of you.

It's a cliché, but if you were posting on here because your DP had decided he didn't like his job and wanted to jack it in and have you support him whilst he trained for a few years you'd be getting very different responses.

I'm not saying don't do it but you're a family unit now and you need to make these decisions as a family.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 17/04/2020 13:27

Just seen your update.

I also wouldn’t want my DH in a job that he hates. Maybe work together to come up with something that is a better solution all round.

Nurses are worked extremely hard and have a lot of stress.