To go against DH and retrain just because I want to?

[Trapordo]

In short, I'm sick of my rubbish admin based job and want to be a nurse (with a view to becoming a prescribing practitioner).

H says no. It is a lot of financial sacrifice. Most importantly though, it means we couldn't continue to save for a house.

He says I'm really unreasonable and a bit selfish. Because we need the security of a house.

I admit it is a but of a mad thing to come out with. But just think if I don't do it now I never will

AIBU?

What are your local childcare options like? Shift work can cause quite a lot of hassle with school pick ups etc. Also, have you considered signing up to do some HCA work first so you can get a feel for what it’s like working shifts and in that environment.

Because you’ve got a child and this is a big step I’d do those things first. But once you have and if you’re still enthusiastic I’d say go for it!!

Are you renting now? Mortgages are usually cheaper than rent and the earlier you get on the property ladder the better for your long term finances. Honestly I would save, buy a place and then retrain providing you can afford the monthly pymt between you. Makes most sense.

My mum would support any nights etc by taking DC. But she lives 45 minutes away so ideally I'd start before DC has the distruption of school

Is there any progression in your current role? You initially said it was an admin job, but it sounds like more than that from a further update.

essentially a counsellor for pregnant women

This is not an admin job IMO.

A career choice needs ro be what you want, not what your spouse wants .....but how do you feel about the long shifts and the pay?

I think you do need to take your dh opinions into consideration when you are expecting him to support you. You need to come to an agreement re house buying and career change. Neither of you can unilaterally make decisions which affect family finances

It has to be a mutual decision as it has a financial impact on you both, he's being unreasonable to say no if he's refused to discuss it properly and you'd be unreasonable to do it without a proper discussion.

I think you have to look at this as in if it's a deal breaker or not, for both of you.

You should be able to retrain if you want to, but you may have to consider whether he is willing to support you.

I think the issue op is him deciding no, he doesn't like nursing so you aren't allowed.

How much does he earn? What would happen if you went into nursing financially? What about childcare costs? Basically can you even afford to contemplate it?

You're early 20s so you're not right on time, would this be more realistic in a few years time when DC are in school full time?

How long do you think it will take you to get a house?

Could you increase your hours and put most of that extra money into savings? Or even get an additional job on the days your daughter is in nursery?

Agree if a man posted he wanted his wife to support him to retrain to take a lower paid job with more hours and he just expected her to agree and pick up the slack, there would be some very different replies.

Do it now, if you only work two days you could probably still study and work for the first year of your course, year 2 and 3 would be more difficult due to placements but still doable, have you looked into finance etc. If you have a child you generally get a bit more help and there’s the child care grant which covers your childcare which you don’t have to pay back. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a job you hate.

Retrain now. You are young, houses aren't going anywhere. Do not sacrifice your future for someone else's financial stability
I'm sorry this is bad financial advice, rent is usually twice as much as a mortgage where I live. Get yourself on the ladder, reduce your monthly outgoings and then train.
Nurse training isn't going anywhere but if you wait several years to train and try to save for a deposit on a junior nursing salary whilst paying for wraparound childcare (and house prices will undoubtedly have gone up as they always do) you will wish you had just bought something earlier and were sat paying off a reasonable fixed term mortgage.

OK, I think you are young and have time to retrain. I would sit down with your DH and talk to him about why and how much you want this and come to a decision together about a timeline for doing this ... if he wants you to delay doing this now for finance reasons when would it be acceptable.

Also once you are trained you can work in many different roles and continue professional development. You may not always want to be front line - there are plenty management jobs in nursing and opportunities for progression

crazy student nurses and midwives aren't entitled to free hours unless they work 16 or more hours a week. And there is a grant but the cut off is extremely low and most people with a partner won't qualify

@Trapordo the childcare Im referring to is from student finance which covers costs while you study, you may not qualify if you household income is high but it’s worth looking into. The bursary’s for student nurses I think has now finished and it is all funded by student finance. Once you qualify and are working that’s completely different. I may be wrong but it’s worth looking into.

I’d say do it.. or you may put it off forever and regret it, and resent your husband, for the rest of your life.
Find a way that can work for you both. We are all about to cope with less money, so might as well earn it doing something that is fulfilling and meaningful to you .. and helpful to others.

I'm a prescribing nurse practitioner and current lecturer on post- registration courses for health care professionals.
What you aspire to is a rewarding and challenging career, but it's a long slog to get there.
You will need a nursing degree, and a separate Masters level qualification which may have the prescribing module embedded, if not that's another course. You need to decide with your partner if this is a level of student debt you want to take on.
Then you need to look at the support you will need-the finance is only one small part.
How will you manage childcare on placements with 12-13hr shifts plus travelling time? What if your mum gets I'll or says she can't do it? You need always to be able to have plans B & C up your sleeve.
Are you prepared to miss 'important' milestones like leavers assembly and school plays because the rota can't be filled without you? That's often the reality of the job, as is not feeling/being able to leave at the end of your shift because you're the accountable professional and its not safe to delegate.
Then theres the emotional support-as a student for the crises of confidence that you will inevitably face, and once qualified for the things that you dont anticipate knocking you sideways but still do.
Being a nurse is rewarding but physically and mentally exhausting, you often dont have much left to give to your own life at times, and I will be honest and say that my patients have come before my children at times.Being a prescriber means that you have the skills and ability to cause harm as well as help.
I wish you every success if you do go for it, but go in with your eyes wide open. You will need support, not from forums on the internet, but from those who will bear the day to day brunt of your choices, so please-talk it through with him rather than seeing it as a battle.

It's a tricky one but I think if you want this then the urge is unlikely to go away and then you'll resent your dh if you don't do it. There's never really a great time to retrain/ study with a family imo.

FWIW I retrained 6 years ago and left a 40k fte job (worked 30 hours). Had 1 dc similar age. Dh was supportive but at that time I think he'd have been happier me staying put as it was flexible etc etc. But I did it and took the pay cut. No money coming in year 1 (I used all my savings) but then got bursary in year 2&3, and now 3 years qualified I outearn my dh by about 20k and have started my own successful business. We've been able to extend our house due to the increase in income, get new car etc. I think he sees it was worth it now!

I think short term pain for longer term gain, not just financially but in terms of your self-esteem, happiness etc is really important.

If you are early twenties, he is late twenties and your child getting the free hours that you get at 3 then presumably 4 years ago you were in your teens, he was in his mid twenties and getting pregnant messed up your chance of a university education.

I think that if you are a man in your mid twenties and you are going to go around knocking up teenagers then you have to accept that they may want to go back to university at some point.....

Where abouts in the country are you?

I'm voting 'do it now' because once you have the responsibility of a mortgage OH could use that against the idea. You may also get offered a great job somewhere you'd need to move to and if you've bought a house prior it may impact that. If you are hoping for more children you could also qualify before having another and the age gap not be too big.

I think it would be a good idea to do a financial plan with full household budgeting - every tiny bill/cost - for buying a house vs continuing to rent for both your current situation vs doing the nursing course. Once you have the full and clear facts and can show how long you would need to defer a home purchase (if at all, you might be surprised), how long the course is, what financial support you will get and what your starting salary would be once qualified it will help you both come to a decision. I would also include info on the course requirements in terms of hours and placements, and likely shift patterns and show you have a solution for all of that too.

Ultimately though, having been in a really well paid job I hated I can empathise and I think you should go for it. I was so depressed because of work and that had much worse impact on my family than taking a 40% pay cut did. We're worse off financially now and have to watch the pennies, but so, so much happier as a family. My DH actually cut a day and took a 20% pay cut too and he is happier in his work aswell. I hope you can convince him x

I don’t think either of you are being entirely unreasonable. It’s hard to say from what you’ve said who is most reasonable.

In one hand, it is not unreasonable to want to retrain if you have found something you really want to do. Enjoying your job, if at all possible, is important. And if that job comes with a good wage and security, it could be a good investment too- benefitting the whole family. A partner should want their spouse to be happy in their career and support them in their ambitions, when possible.

On the other hand, you and your DH had made financial decisions together- I.e. to save for a house. All of a sudden (from his perspective) you’ve thrown it all up in the air. I honestly think if you are expecting someone else to support you financially, and in addition you have other financial commitments (E.g. a child), then that has to be a joint decision, not a unilateral one.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your DH to baulk a little at suddenly becoming the sole financial provider- and I imagine will have to take up a large proportion of childcare as you progress through the course and need to work shifts. I’m not saying he cannot he asked to do this, merely that he will be shouldering all of the financial responsibility and a high proportion of childcare for the period of your study. As it will impact on him, you have to take his thoughts into account and try to come to a joint decision.

The other thing is- did you just sprung this on him? If he had no inkling you wanted to be a nurse it might appear to be a bit of a whim- even if it isn’t from your perspective. In his position I’d want to be sure you’d thought it through. I would expect you to come with a plan- it will take x long, I will probably be entitled to y support (or tell me that there is nursing if that is the case), prospects are z. If my partner said “ I’ve decided to retrain, so we’re not saving any more” with no plans, no idea of what support is available, not even thought about how we might cope with the loss of their income in the here and now, then I think I’d be a bit unenthusiastic too. Maybe you have gone to him with facts and a plan, it’s not clear from your post.

Frankly, I don’t agree with one poster saying as OP has given birth to his child he should be so grateful that he does whatever she wants. I assume having the child was a joint decision and something OP also wanted.

In summary, you’re not unreasonable to ask and he would be unreasonable to give a flat “no” without sitting down and talking it through. But you would be unreasonable not to consider his concerns too.

After this pandemic is over the government might well be under pressure to being back burseries

They already did that pre-pandemic!

I think having a satisfying, interesting career, which in the long term pays reasonably well and has a pension is waaaaay more important than owning a house in the next few years. In terms of life happiness, the happiest people I know love their jobs and find them satisfying. Some of them live in rental, some have an ok house. I don't know anyone who has a lovely house but a boring admin job and is happy like that.

I think the time to live life is in your twenties, you have presumably missed out on uni and training for a career for life is definitely the thing to do (IMO). I got on the property ladder early, fell off, went back on, fell off and am now back on. That has not been the source of satisfaction or happiness in my life but my very interesting rewarding job has.

I just don't get saying to someone in their twenties, the world their oyster, stick at that boring office job two days a week because...well, I don't even get why?!

I'm voting find a way to do it. An education is something that can never be taken from you and you are young, which is always an advantage. I am getting on a bit now. When I was younger I did a post grad law conversion course paid for by my then employer. I was offered a puplidge at a chambers in London- a rare opportunity given that I come from an ordinary background and didn't go to Oxbridge for my initial degree. My then h treated this like a joke and then said no. Foolishly I accepted this. Now he is no longer my h and even 20 years later I think about that missed chance.

YABVU and incredibly selfish.