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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be soooooo mad with OH about this

182 replies

73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 19:16

I work for the NHS. Can't currently go to my work place due to my health but am working from home and picking up a lot of extra work to reduce the load on colleagues. OH has not seemed to 'get it' re: the fact that I need not to be interrupted when at work. So we talked about what that actually meant and planned for him to remove anything he needs from the bedroom prior to my working day starting and asked him to send emails which I will respond to if I can whilst I am working (like normally happens and in preference to him coming into the bedroom).

I had a training event via zoom which finished at 7 today. He knew this as we'd discussed it a couple of days ago and I reminded him this morning. 6 pm he starts sending me texts and emails though I didn't notice them at the time. 6:15 he starts knocking on the door, coming in and starting to try to talk to me. I gestured for him to go away and pointed at the computer. He persisted. I gestured to computer more. He did leave but when the course finished I came down and said that he really can't interrupt as we'd already agreed. He wanted to tell me kids hadn't eaten (not sure why as he sorts out their meals every one of my working days) and he wanted to go for a cycle (kids are old enough for him to go out even if I'm working). He's acting all offended and I am feeling hugely disrespected. AIBU?

OP posts:
Besom · 17/04/2020 08:52

The OP said was on zoom for training which presumably did not contain confidential info. Zoom should not be being used for anything confidential it is my understanding. But each organisation should check the platforms it is using for security.

Making sure that conversations are not overheard is the responsibility off the employee in question. This is perfectly possible and was already happening all the time in homes before but just not everyday like now. NHS and social work etc are often mobile and have to have confidential conversations in places other than office - their cars for instance. They can't always go running back to the office to make calls.

If people really can't manage this at home then yes they would have to work from a base or not work at all. Can you imagine if the OP had to go to her employer and say that she couldn't work at home anymore because her husband keeps coming in the room when asked not to? That would be quite mortifying.

notacooldad · 17/04/2020 08:55

You’re not in your workplace and you can’t run your day as though you are...not entirely anyway
It’s actually unreasonable to expect you to have a room free in your house to ban your family members from. All day.

I disagree. She is working in her bedroom. It's not generally a communal area so unless Dh particularly needs something from the room there is no reason why he should be popping in.
If op was in an office he wouldnt be going on about bike rides and kids not eating. He is being pathetic. Im working from home. I've taken over the living room by agreement and everyone else has the rest of the house.
Dh will knock lightly on the door and leave a cup of tea and a biscuit throughout the day.
Your Dh is being disruptive.

forrestgreen · 17/04/2020 08:58

Ask him why his office door is more important than your office door.

AlternativePerspective · 17/04/2020 08:58

Well, given mathanxiety’s posts on these types of threads always go to the extreme I would take those with a large bucket of salt. I’m guessing she’s single if that’s how she treats the men in her life.

But for others who are telling the OP that her DH doesn’t think her work is important/just thinks she’s upstairs doing nothing much/and the one suggesting she gets a divorce lawyer are clearly the types of posts which give the relationships board a bad name sometimes.

Fact is, if you’re working from home it takes adjusting on both sides. It’s unreasonable to expect that your home working environment is going to be exactly the same as your work environment when it has never been like that before. It isn’t.

Bear in mind the OP told her DH to email her if there was anything, and he did, several times according to the OP but because she didn’t see them she ignored them, the very way her DH tried to speak to her which she told him she would respond to.

When he walked in and she said she was busy he should have perhaps left then but there has to be middle ground because like it or not the bedroom cannot be commandeered as an office indefinitely. What if the OP were working late? Should he be expected not to want to come to bed until she’d finished however late that was?

And you can’t tell me that the OP stayed in the bedroom for the entire day without any lunch breaks? That’s not even recommended in an office environment so to suggest that she texted the DH early to remind him of her plans for later and then never emerged until gone 6 that evening strikes me as unlikely.

QuestionMarkNow · 17/04/2020 09:15

Well he clearly needs to learn that your work is as important as his.
That’s as simple as that. Atm he doesn’t think that what you do is that important and therefire it will ALWAYS be ok for him to pop round, ask stupid questions whenever he wants etc...

Basically the issue is that he has to learn he isn’t always coming FIRST with everyone bowing to him and his needs. Poor him....

QuestionMarkNow · 17/04/2020 09:19

@AlternativePerspective, I am working from home and so is DH.
We do not have an office so he is sat at the dining table. I am in the conservatory.
NO ONE and I really mean no one in our house would be coming in and disturbing me or DH during a call despite the fact we are both working from communal spaces. Everyone is careful, will lower the voice/noise of one of us is calling. That includes the dcs who are teens too.

It’s asking for too much. Some noise form young children is normal. Someone passing in the background is ok. Coming in (or rather barging in)/to ask stupid questions isn’t.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2020 09:20

If op was in an office he wouldnt be going on about bike rides and kids not eating
True. If they re old enough to be alone then he'd just finish work, go for his bike ride and then come back and do dinner (OP said he normally cooks on her work days).
Being in the same house however I'd say it was courtesy to let your partner know if you're leaving the house, but if the OP had her personal phone then that information could have been relayed by phone rather than interrupting.
He had already emailed and got no response and we all know that there are some people out there who'd complain if their DP left the house without telling them (obviously we don't know if the OP is one of them).

Fact is, if you’re working from home it takes adjusting on both sides. It’s unreasonable to expect that your home working environment is going to be exactly the same as your work environment when it has never been like that before. It isn’t.
That's how I feel

AJPTaylor · 17/04/2020 09:22

Door wedge

champagneandfromage50 · 17/04/2020 09:22

some of the comments on here are very odd, the OP told her DH she was going to be on a call until 7pm and not to disturb her. Its not the same as being in an office at all. Her DH priority was his bike ride, what a surprise to find he is a cyclist who couldn't be arsed to feed his kids and instead started sending texts of urgency.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2020 09:34

I didn't take it like that at all.

I took it as OP was working later and had told her DH not to disturb and to email for contact, he normally does dinner on the OP's working day, had finished his working day, decided to go on a bike ride and wanted to inform the OP that he was going out and the kids haven't eaten yet (presumably because OP was working later so they'd all eat together when she was done). He interrupted as he had already tried email.

Personally he shouldn't have interrupted the OP whilst in training and given the age of the kids he should have just let them know.

LannieDuck · 17/04/2020 09:55

I don't understand why he needed to speak to you? He was responsible for the meal, so no need to speak to you. And the kids are old enough that he can go cycling without telling you (and could have informed you by text if needed), so no need to speak to you.

What exactly did he interrupt you for?

gotaweirdthingtoshowyou · 17/04/2020 10:39

I suppose it depends on what he was saying - "hey, I just wanted you to know that I'm popping out on my bike for a bit, we can eat when I get back". Fine, surely? And if OP responded angrily to that, I don't blame him for being put out tbh.

"Are you still on the fucking phone? Hurry up and get off so you can make dinner. I cba tonight and am going for a bike ride. No idea when I'll be back". Not fine.

It just sounds like two stressed, overworked people rubbing each other up the wrong way while wfh, home schooling and god knows what else.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2020 10:50

gotaweirdthingtoshowyou
Very true.
I took it as the first situation (though really he should have just gone in my opinion and told the kids given the OP's not even having her personal phone with her for a text to come through).

Whether people read it as the first or second situation will probably depend on their relationship experiences. I don't doubt men like example 2 exist, but it wouldn't be my first assumption because DH is like example 1. Neither of us have a problem saying 'hey I'm just going to the gym/on the bike/for a run'.

For people where example 2 is the norm then they'll see it as childish man, what a surprise he wants to abandon all parenting to go play bikes, what a surprise a cyclist wants to neglect their duties.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 17/04/2020 11:00

Bear in mind the OP told her DH to email her if there was anything, and he did, several times according to the OP but because she didn’t see them she ignored them, the very way her DH tried to speak to her which she told him she would respond to.

A lack of response generally suggests that someone is busy, particularly when you've already been forewarned that they're going to be working, not that you should interrupt them to make an unimportant announcement while they're on a call.

Fact is, if you’re working from home it takes adjusting on both sides. It’s unreasonable to expect that your home working environment is going to be exactly the same as your work environment when it has never been like that before. It isn’t.

If you respect each other's space, you can get pretty damn close though.

DP and I both WFH right now. I've successfully managed to not walk into the (normally shared) office uninvited during his work day. If I'm making a drink I'll text him and offer but if he doesn't respond he just has to make his own. Likewise, he doesn't come downstairs and disturb me in my workspace, and will either pop his head around the door very slightly to see whether I invite him in or will send me a message to ask first unless I've expressly said I'm not that busy and I keep the door physically open.

No drama at all. It's really not unreasonable to expect to be undisturbed when you don't have young children in the house. If I'm at work and I don't respond to DP he doesn't start calling me, he assumes I'm busy/in a meeting and am therefore not available. The same should apply at home.

When he walked in and she said she was busy he should have perhaps left then but there has to be middle ground because like it or not the bedroom cannot be commandeered as an office indefinitely.

There really isn't any 'perhaps' about it in my mind. He wasn't coming in because it was very late and he wanted to go to sleep, or quietly collect something he desperately needed which would have been annoying but much more forgivable. It makes no difference that it was the bedroom at all. He was interrupting so he could have Op's attention, and would have done the same anywhere.

His bike ride could have waited if it was absolutely essential to tell Op. At the moment people are very forgiving about interruptions from pets and children (which is definitely a positive). An adult is capable of waiting. I'd be mortified if DP barged in and interrupted a meeting and ignored my protestations because he had to tell me something non-urgent, especially if I had made it clear I wasn't free to talk.

hey, I just wanted you to know that I'm popping out on my bike for a bit, we can eat when I get back". Fine, surely?

I'm not sure it is fine though. I find it really strange that anyone thinks it's acceptable to come in and talk to someone who is in a meeting/on a call, regardless of how nicely they speak. It's still a clear indication that they consider what they have to say to be more important than your work. What if Op missed something important? Unless what you have to say is incredibly urgent ('darling there's a fire in the kitchen, we need to evacuate' springs to mind) I don't understand why it can't just wait until the call ends. I could maybe see it if he opened the door a crack and indicated 'I'm going out' or dropped a note next to her (off camera) so she could read it when she had a second, but even still it would be rude.

If Op hadn't already told him she was busy on a call until 7 I'd have had more sympathy.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 17/04/2020 11:02

Sorry for the essay, I didn't realise I felt so passionately about being undisturbed at work Blush

billy1966 · 17/04/2020 11:05

Another low bar moment on here.

The husband knows the nature of the OP's work and that privacy is critical for her work and clients.

He was warned repeatedly about the meeting, yet still has to interrupt her.

He sounds really dim.
He sounds petulant.
He sounds selfish.

I would want to know why he is doing this.
I wouldn't accept being brushed off by him.

I bet this isn't in isolation.

People as selfish as your husband don't do this type of thing in isolation...it's usually part of a pattern.

I would be very calmly, very upset at his behaviour.

Absolutely no need whatsoever.

I would take this very seriously and tell him so.

But I think you know OP, that he is a selfish arse.

Returning to your office is a good plan.

Telling him and friends and family EXACTLY why you have to put yourself at risk would shine a really bright light on who he is.

You have every right to be annoyed.

Your clients have every right to privacy while they consult with you.

Do not let this go.

He's showing you EXACTLY who he is.
Flowers

MrsCBY · 17/04/2020 11:11

He’s being a complete dick, and clearly has never really grasped or accepted that your work is actually work.

The obvious solution would seem to be that you work in the study, and he works in the bedroom. Is there a reason why you haven’t arrived at that conclusion yourselves?

MrsCBY · 17/04/2020 11:12

Although you working in the study wouldn’t stop him pestering you with irrelevant shite, I suppose.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/04/2020 11:36

All this "time to adjust" .... my daughter and I are both working from home. Neither of us have ever done so before; in fact it's my daughter's first full time job since graduation. She's in her bedroom with the door shut and I'm in the dining room. We come out of those rooms if we need something, otherwise we don't expect the other to come in to what is for the time being our workplace. We both keep our personal mobiles on silent and don't check them apart from lunch breaks.

I don't think the OP was being in the slightest bit unreasonable. I wouldn't divorce over it though!!

NearlyGranny · 17/04/2020 11:48

Hmm, if he sees the study as his domain where his important work goes on and must never be disturbed, he may not be willing to share. As OP is the chief earner, his odd, intrusive behaviour may be - consciously or unconsciously - aimed at denigrating the value and importance of her work in contrast to his. Has anybody yet used the word sabotage? I think it might reasonably be applied here.

He knew what work she was doing, he knew the importance of confidentiality, he knew she would not respond to emails if she was in conference (OP had asked him to use email to communicate and she would reply only if she was able), he knew immediately that his intrusion was inappropriate and unwelcome fron OP's gesture at her computer, he knew his persistence was unreasonable, intrusive and unacceptable, yet he persisted. He risked OP's professional credibility with her colleagues and line managers, he risked the respect and status she has at work. That was not a mistake or an accident: it was a choice and a decision.

When I worked with 6 year olds and had to spend 20 minutes with a group of six while everyone else worked independently, I taught my class that it was okay to interrupt me during those minutes for three reasons: the classroom was on fire and I hadn't noticed; someone was bleeding and the blood was pumping out in spurts; someone had lost consciousness and could not be roused. They were 6, rising 7. We laughed. They got it. It worked.

Why is a grown man incapable of getting it?

OP, when you have the conversation with him, be explicit about what sort of interruptions you find appropriate. I suggest you tell him you expect to hear from him only after he has dialled 999 for the police, ambulance or fire brigade (you could add coastguard if you live on a yacht, barge or houseboat) to deal with the emergency.

I suppose a system of closing the door when you're on a confidential call or video conference and leaving it ajar when you are interruptable has been or would simply be overridden by your DH?

He has a boundary problem! Does he breach other boundaries routinely, too? He sounds as if he might be one of those windy bagfuls of self-importance who talk over everyone and have to know it all.

billy1966 · 17/04/2020 13:50

@NearlyGranny

Good post👍

"Sabotage"is not being the least dramatic.

My husband is WFH.....there hasn't been the slightest issue with 6 of us in the house.

I tap on the window of the door to check occasionally if he would like a coffee...I wouldn't dream of entering.

Our 4 teens didn't need to be told twice that their father is working from home, and needs to be given some space.

Very straightforward .

Not complicated at all for them.

Courtesy and respect are what will make the lockdown bearable in homes.

This sort of unnecessary bullshit and stress will be what will change relationships for ever.

billy1966 · 17/04/2020 13:52

Oh yea, and notice it's NOT her two children that don't understand..... it's her twattish husband.

Sabotage is exactly the word @NearlyGranny

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 17/04/2020 14:03

I can't really understand why everyone is apologizing for the DH so much. She told him she was stressed, he knows her work is confidential, she told him he couldn't come in and he still came in pointlessly for a pointless conversation they didn't need to have.

callmeadoctor · 17/04/2020 14:05

Yes, swop rooms OP, you use the (private) study and he use the bedroom for his email work as it seems to be a less private room, job sorted x

I0NA · 17/04/2020 14:12

@AlternativePerspective
Well, given mathanxiety’s posts on these types of threads always go to the extreme I would take those with a large bucket of salt. I’m guessing she’s single if that’s how she treats the men in her life

What an unpleasant and uncalled for comment! Needless to say it says a lot more about you than anyone else, that you would call someone single as an insult.