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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be soooooo mad with OH about this

182 replies

73Sunglasslover · 16/04/2020 19:16

I work for the NHS. Can't currently go to my work place due to my health but am working from home and picking up a lot of extra work to reduce the load on colleagues. OH has not seemed to 'get it' re: the fact that I need not to be interrupted when at work. So we talked about what that actually meant and planned for him to remove anything he needs from the bedroom prior to my working day starting and asked him to send emails which I will respond to if I can whilst I am working (like normally happens and in preference to him coming into the bedroom).

I had a training event via zoom which finished at 7 today. He knew this as we'd discussed it a couple of days ago and I reminded him this morning. 6 pm he starts sending me texts and emails though I didn't notice them at the time. 6:15 he starts knocking on the door, coming in and starting to try to talk to me. I gestured for him to go away and pointed at the computer. He persisted. I gestured to computer more. He did leave but when the course finished I came down and said that he really can't interrupt as we'd already agreed. He wanted to tell me kids hadn't eaten (not sure why as he sorts out their meals every one of my working days) and he wanted to go for a cycle (kids are old enough for him to go out even if I'm working). He's acting all offended and I am feeling hugely disrespected. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:25

@Shitsgettingcrazy. In my household we were happy the set yo it works for us, which you're right, might not work for everyone. However, I did say that he could have waited till the end. And when I said I check on my husband because hes my husband. Is exactly what it says on the tin. I check in on him, to ask him if he is ok, do you need a juice or would you like me to help you with anything. Because like i said before he asks my opinion on certain aspects. He often asks me if I am ok and what are me and the kids upto etc. Even if he is working from home I call him to ask him how his day is going. I'm pretty sure I am not the only person who does that. Or to ask when he will be home, he finishes his outside work different times. And if we all go off to the bedrooms whilst he works in the lounge I even text him to say do you want a coffee after you have finished on the phone, let me know and I will bring it through.

It works for us and is good for our set up but obviously not ideal or applicable to other people like you say.

And you also said , how is anything applicable to ths OP. WEll you know what, perhaps it isn't. I was just sharing my view and opinion, like we are all doing.

I said 1, people shouldn't be calling him a knob. At the same time people were calling him a pig etc, he might have even been downstairs in the lounge thinking how lovely and hardworking his wife is. Or planning to make up and apologise for the interrupting yesterday And 2, yes he could have waited . He did disturb his wife during important times which I understood and said he could have waited. I said that he probably wanted his hour of exercise, but could have made the kids supper. 11 and 13 can also do things themselves though. I've told my 12 year old bung on some fish fingers in the oven whilst I am busy with work too. So am sure they can work out something. But op does need the time and privacy if she is in such a demanding job with taking calls from clients on health matters etc. So, she needs to talk to him today to explain what's happening. Again.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:31

My phones predictive text is a bit of a pain. That was meant to say even if he wasn't working from home, I call him and suitable times. And if hes busy he usually declines the call, and texts on phone to client. So I wait for him to ring me back. I dont disturb or interrupt. Hes sitting on the laptop right in front of me 99% of the time in the study corner of the lounge or on the sofa, so if I see hes busy or focussed I leave him to it.

Op, I think you should just talk to your hubby today about how you feel and how yesterday was rough for you and that you're upset. No need for a tow, just Express your views and also say if he wants to do anything he can do it anytime. Just make sure kids are happy and fed and whatever else he does normally that you and him have going on. Wish you all the best.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:31

Call him at suitable times.

I hate predictive text sometimes.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:32

No need for a row ***

Lol not tow Hmm

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:33

Also that was meant to say he texts me hes on phone to client. Not that he texts the client if I call him hahaha. That would be messed up

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 07:33

The point is, she has already explained to him she cant be interrupted. He still did.

Everyone works differently as you say, you will text your husband if you think he is busy. No different to an email.

Nature of ops job is that popping in and out isnt ok.

Your set up doenst work for the OP or her job.

I think OP has said that the kids do cater for themseleves. The kids arent allowed to interrupt him. But he can interrupt the OP?

I didnt call him a knob. But what he did was knobish behaviour. He works uninterrupted. He knew she couldnt be interrupted, but did anyway. Ignored her when she was gesturing that she was on a call. To tell her something that was important and could be done without her input.

He may not be a knob all the time. But its knobish behaviour.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 07:36

It's not a row. It's a discussion.

I just dont see how any of your situation is applicable to the OP. I also can see where she has already done the things you suggest. Like talk to him.

It doesnt really matter if he is sat on the sofa thinking about how hard working she is.

People are working in difficult circumstances. People dont need their husbands making it harder, ignoring their requests.....while expecting everyone else to abide by their requests.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 17/04/2020 07:44

My DH used to have to visit for work somewhere so secure you couldn't wear a digital watch, only an analogue one. There was a central emergency number you could leave a message (such as a child needing to attend hospital or school burning down, not what do you want for dinner). Lots of people can't be disturbed at work for trivial matters. That doesn't change just because someone has to work at home for a while.

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:44

I understand your sides also.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 17/04/2020 07:44

Manchild

Hanamuslim · 17/04/2020 07:46

Lol @Aroundtheworldin80moves I don't message him what do you want for dinner. He eats whatever I make.

billybagpuss · 17/04/2020 07:48

Was he any more contrite when he got back?

Shitsgettingcrazy · 17/04/2020 07:51

@Hanamuslim I actually understand your set up.

I used to own a business with exh. I sold my half to him when we divorced.

It's more fluid and both are involved in all parts. Pretty much know what the other is up to. It's much collaborative.

It had its plus points. But not something I would ever choose to do again, but had its advantages.

But when you are employed to do a job its different.

The man in this situation is different, again. Because he clearly values being uniwtrypted while he is working. He clearly understands that people need to left alone to work. He just isnt applying it to the Op and that the difference.

I am sure if you were the one needing some privacy to work, your husband would apply the same standards you do. He would make you a drink, check on you and you would be happy with that.

The problem here, is the husband is expecting one standard when he is working. But not when it apply to his wife.

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2020 08:06

Banning him from the bedroom for multiple days a week and expecting business as usual when these aren't normal times seems ridiculous to be honest. Personally, I'd also be a bit concerned if my personal and confidential information was being discussed by staff in their homes on platforms that have had some security issues given nobody knows who else is around in each household.

In this situation he's been wrong to interrupt you, but if you had your phone then he could have sent a text saying "kids haven't eaten yet, I'm done with work for the day and just going for a bike ride" and then you all have dinner once your course has ended. You've said yourself the children don't bother him when he's working, that he isn't supervising them so I can't see why other posters are getting wound up about him abandoning his children. Neither the OP not her DH were watching the children.

hepburnmed · 17/04/2020 08:12

OP, what he’s saying with his behaviour is ...

his bike ride his hobby/free time and the fact he’s randomly decided not to cook and expects you to drop work to cook... is more important than your work, your career and your distressed clients or colleagues.

He sounds hard work!

MeridianB · 17/04/2020 08:13

You mention that he works in the study - could you swap with him? Maybe because you’re in the bedroom he thinks you’re in a non-work space?

Whatever this (unreasonable) reasons or shortcomings, it might help?

Or is there a lock on bedroom door?

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2020 08:25

Exactly hepbum I am struggling to understand how this is being interpreted differently.

MollyButton · 17/04/2020 08:37

On the advice of one of my DC I bought one of these www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07QM4CTSG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8 for my office door.

BTW I was shocked that parliament is going to use Zoom, my department is not allowed to use it as its considered not to be secure enough - and there have been some awful trolling cases.

JudyCoolibar · 17/04/2020 08:37

Banning him from the bedroom for multiple days a week and expecting business as usual when these aren't normal times seems ridiculous to be honest.

Given that it's only necessary because he monopolise the study, it's not in the least ridiculous.

isitsummertimeyet · 17/04/2020 08:39

your sooooooo angry over this?

Really...

YABU, it isn't worth kicking off about, id be bemused if my wife told me to email her if I wanted her, how ridiculous..

orangesandlemo · 17/04/2020 08:45

You are both being unreasonable.

Yes you are working but how precious is your job if your husband can't come and talk to you?

Do you work in complete isolation in the office?

Both me and my husband and working from home and with three children and we pop up to see each other and chat and drop of coffees.

My advice would be to grow up and set your kids a good example of a marriage

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2020 08:48

Re-read the OP.
He started sending texts and emails at 6pm, then started banging on the door at 6:15pm because he wasn't getting a response, then came into the room when he got no answer to the banging on the door, then STILL talked at the OP despite her gesturing to her computer to show she was busy.

His need to know that she had heard his totally unimportant information overrode any consideration of her training, her work, her need for a secure place - because he didn't think it mattered more than his bike ride.

If people can't see how pathetic that is, then they've got problems.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2020 08:50

AND there are some jobs where it IS important that they have no one listening in to ANY details - just because YOURS isn't like that, have some imagination!!

I have a friend who is a legal expert in some kinds of medical mismanagement - her work is very confidential, and she is lucky that she has her own office at home in which to keep everything in locked cabinets. If she was on a call about any of that and her husband walked in on it, her job could also be on the line if any information was overheard and the person on the other end of the line knew it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2020 08:51

Luckily for my friend, her husband isn't a puerile dickhead who thinks his bike ride is more important than her work!

LolaSmiles · 17/04/2020 08:52

Given that it's only necessary because he monopolise the study, it's not in the least ridiculous
If he normally works from home then I can see why he'd normally be set up in there.

Personally, there's either some flexibility in using the study, or there has to be some understanding from the OP that it's a bedroom and people may need things from it, but with the understanding that when she says she is in meetings then keep out.

If the nature of the work is so confidential that at no point can she have her personal phone nearby and nobody can enter at any time just in case someone calls, then I'd be inclined to wonder whether that's a role that can be reasonably done from home during a crisis when most people are at home, including children.