To be soooooo mad with OH about this

[73Sunglasslover]

I work for the NHS. Can't currently go to my work place due to my health but am working from home and picking up a lot of extra work to reduce the load on colleagues. OH has not seemed to 'get it' re: the fact that I need not to be interrupted when at work. So we talked about what that actually meant and planned for him to remove anything he needs from the bedroom prior to my working day starting and asked him to send emails which I will respond to if I can whilst I am working (like normally happens and in preference to him coming into the bedroom).

I had a training event via zoom which finished at 7 today. He knew this as we'd discussed it a couple of days ago and I reminded him this morning. 6 pm he starts sending me texts and emails though I didn't notice them at the time. 6:15 he starts knocking on the door, coming in and starting to try to talk to me. I gestured for him to go away and pointed at the computer. He persisted. I gestured to computer more. He did leave but when the course finished I came down and said that he really can't interrupt as we'd already agreed. He wanted to tell me kids hadn't eaten (not sure why as he sorts out their meals every one of my working days) and he wanted to go for a cycle (kids are old enough for him to go out even if I'm working). He's acting all offended and I am feeling hugely disrespected. AIBU?

YANBU OK he was disrespectful. You had told him the timings of your training.

I worked from home before the lock down and no member of my family would willingly interrupt me if they saw an online call going on. A lot of the time they are internal meetings and the appearance of a family member on screen would be no problem. But tonight I hosted an online webinar event - then I have to be 100% professional and no-one would come in the room.

I can see that some people have definitely never been in a workplace where you cannot have your personal phone on (and you cannot check it, have it on vibrate or anything else). If family need to get hold of me in an emergency, they can ring the main office and the office staff will find me. The same if I need to get hold of my sister: I can ring the main switchboard and they can bleep her (I have thankfully never had to do this).

To those saying that interruptions at work are normal, perhaps think about whether you would think multiple interruptions to a GP appointment would be acceptable. No?

OP is not the only NHS employee working from home and doing confidential calls there. Needs must.

I’d be kicking him out of his cosy private study, with built in ‘do not disturb’ family protocols, until he got the message. He needs to check his privilege!

We have a study, laptops, mobiles and wi fi and we then tag team in and out of the study, and book appointments wherever we can. It’s not ideal but we’re in unprecedented times, and everyone - employers, employees and clients, do need to be flexible.
Having said that - your update does change the context of this a bit. If your husband doesn’t do any phone calls and you have a study, why on earth are you in the bedroom? You can have the study and he can work at the kitchen table!
@cathcath2 I’ve had multiple medical appointments that have been interrupted, delayed etc due to more emergent matters, and that was pre - Covid. In these times - yes, even people accessing services need to be a bit more understanding and flexible wherever they are capable of it.

You WNBU. DH has a zoom meeting with his team every morning at 10 and I wouldn't dream of going in until he either shouts through or texts that it's done. He's working in the living room because DD is using the dining room for her school work. I do go and sit in my chair for a coffee when I get up but I'm silent and he just gets on. I nip in and out for things through the day but don't speak to him and I always listen first to see if he's on the phone and I ask for things like will it disturb him if I hoover the hall or will I leave it till later, but again I make sure he's not engrossed in something or on the phone before I ask!

Make a sign on a stick that says Confidential: Working and hold it up if he barges in. Ignore him. He's being really rude and inconsiderate. If your children were trained to leave him alone when he was working from home, even when they were small, he totally gets it and the importance of it and is obviously making some weird point. You need to ask him what he thought he was doing and how he will guarantee never to do it again.

If he has a home office, why not use that when he isn't? He's not a toddler or a fluffy kitten and what he's doing isn't cute, it's intrusive and inappropriate.

You are both being unreasonable.

He is unreasonable if he is interrupting you more than a few times in the day for no reason but YANBU if you think you can’t talk to him at all during the working day. That’s weird. Many people are doing sensitive / confidential jobs at home and are not treating their OHs like shit because of it. He should understand not to interrupt you too much but I’m not surprised hes annoyed given how you’ve come across on here.

Hold on there’s a study? Why don’t you get the study a couple of days a week and he gets it the other days, and the other person uses the bedroom?

I think you both need to adjust. He sounds incredibly painful- I mean interrupting to tell you he hasn’t fed his own kids? But you sound like you expect nothing to change. There are senior people all over the U.K. being interrupted every 20 mins at work right now by their kids at home with them. I would every few hours schedule 20 mins you can’t take calls and go check on the kids and say hi to him. And yes you might miss an important call but did you never even take a toilet break in your work shifts? It is simply not feasible to say I may not be interrupted all day although my kids are home. Ditto on your non working days I would expect him to appear for 20 mins here and there and help out. This is the reality of crisis era home working combined with home schooling.

Do you always work in an office with no interruptions? That seems strange to me, I always worked in busy offices and other people being around wouldn't be an issue.

It can't be that strange. I've never had GP's appointment interrupted because someone wandered in with a cup of tea for the doctor or to ask them what they fancied for dinner. It would be massively unprofessional. I do online teaching which is obviously much more casual but DH and the kids still don't wander in for no reason or to ask unnecessary questions (if one of the kids forgot and wandered in it wouldn't be the end of the world but we avoid it).

Do you have a headset. Or even just headphones? It won't solve the issue but would at least make sure whatever the other person is saying wouldn't be heard by your DH. I'd also be having serious words with him about it. It's not on. I would be furious if my medical information was overheard by someone's husband because he couldn't respect work boundaries.

Lighten up. He was disturbing you for a few minutes at the most. Who doesn’t get disrupted at least that much at work. You were in his bedroom too. Ridiculous that he can’t talk to you at all.

What don't people understand about "confidential patient and colleague information?" Of course he's being unreasonable. I wouldn't want my GP's spouse to hear my info either. She works for the NHS, and her patients/ colleagues deserve the privacy. She could be fired (and rightly so) for not keeping information confidential. Her husband will have to adjust.

He sounds bloody annoying and a prick.
Tell him not to disturb you again under any circumstances, my DH is working from home and I manage to not go in there.

Sounds like he doesn't take your job seriously.

It sounds like your DH was being deliberately awkward OP! And possibly making some kind of point.
There's no reason why your set up shouldn't work. You made everything crystal clear to your DH and kids before starting WFH. I'm at a loss at PPs who feel there's anything wrong with how you've handled this situation. In your position I'd've been fuming.
If there's really no getting through to your DH you may need to consider working from the alternative premises you mentioned up thread, but it really shouldn't be necessary.

It sounds like he had just forgotten about the training event which isn’t unreasonable if you normally get off at 6. I’d have just my mic and told him- presuming you weren’t giving the training. Expecting not to see or hear him all day is a bit much imho.

TBH I think that if discussions are that confidential then you shouldn’t be working from home at all and should probably either work from the other premises or be furlowed for the time being.

My DP works for an organisation which produces confidential information for customers, and when their organisation closed for three weeks their customers refused to go to other organisations who were still doing the same job but doing it from home as confidentiality and security couldn’t be guaranteed.

The mandate states that people should work from home where possible IMO where such confidential information is concerned it isn’t possible, or reasonable to expect to work from home.

@73Sunglasslover
Your anger is more than justified.

You are married to an attention seeking man child

His behaviour is completely unreasonable.

You communicated. You talked about your working requirements. You told him about your training. You gave him a reminder. He still wouldn't listen or respect what you said.

Read him the riot act. Go nuts. Berserk. Screech at him.
Stick a huge notice on your door tomorrow to the effect that there are to be no interruptions.

If there are, put up with it coldly and as soon as you have a minute to speak to him, find him - barge into his office if necessary - and tear strips off him.

Lots of posters here have not read the thread, apparently:

• He works at home all the time. Nobody interrupts him. The children were trained from a young age not go near his closed door.
• Communication is a two way street. Telling someone who has stated her requirements and given reminders to 'communicate better' is insulting.
• He got plenty of reminders.
• He interrupted to say something incredibly trivial and not worthy of an interruption, and the only possible reasons for the interruption were to show disrespect for the OP and her work, to get attention, and to deliberately disrupt what she was doing.
• Confidential patient and colleague information is a real and very important thing.

I think that the suggestion of getting a lock on the door was the best, and using it.

For some people, it's like seeing a big red button that says "Do Not Push" - they just have to.
They've been told NOT to do something, they've been told that it's important NOT to do it but their own wants outweigh that and they just have to do it anyway.

It's totally disrespectful of your job and your position.

Lock him out.

So first thing in the morning you kicked him out of the bedroom, and he took everything he might need during the day with him so that he wouldn't disturb you.

And then he didn't disturb you, all day, until 6pm, when he wanted to tell you that he was going out for a cycle and hadn't made dinner.

It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. Would you normally finish at 6 and he forgot about your training course? Had he got mixed up about when it was finishing? Had the kids interrupted him at all during the day, and he felt like he'd done his fair share already that day? Had something upsetting happened with his work and he just needed to get out?

It doesn't sound like he was really asking you to do anything. He just didn't want to go out without telling you - that he hadn't done dinner yet but was going out for an hour.

Read him the riot act. Go nuts. Berserk. Screech at him. *
Are you serious? I would never accept behaviour like that from my partner regardless of the context. Absolutely disgusting to advocate that as a reasonable response.

Not ok, I have worked from home for 14 years and DH used to do this if he was home occasionally through the day. Now he is also WFH, he shuts himself away and our paths only cross at lunchtime for a couple of minutes.

Funny that.

you are being aBU I think. Nobody expected this scenario to pan out.Millions of others have to turn part of their homes into offices, there is an adjustment period for everyone, and then kids etc.

Should add that I work for the NHS. I get calls as and when needed so can't plan wheN I can be interrupted and some work is highly confidential (v. personal info).

Ultimately unless you are CIA, I doubt your job is that important, that you fall out with your husband over this,

Reads to me you are both adjusting.Kids at that age can make a sandwich so not going to starve to death.Plus if hes had the kids all day,maybe he just wanted 10 minutes to himself.

Plus can you not use the study some days.

TBH I think that if discussions are that confidential then you shouldn’t be working from home at all and should probably either work from the other premises or be furlowed for the time being.

We just can't work that way with the current situation. There will be thousands of members of the workforce with duties of confidentiality - e.g. lawyers, medics, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, etc etc. If none of them are allowed from home either those professions collapse or we make them all key workers, unnecessarily increasing the risk of infection. The reality is that many of them regularly work from home anyway, and can put appropriate arrangements in place to protect confidentiality. There is no reason why OP's husband shouldn't be capable of respecting that necessity, apart from being a bit of a dickhead.